Coming Soon: New Liz Oak Book

Our editior-in-chief, Liz Oak, is nearly finished writing a book on parenting. In fact, James Dobson commissioned her to right the Canadian edition of his famous book, Bringing Up Boys (because Canadian culture and American culture are so different from each other). Ms. Oak has stated that this will be a parenting book that "Canadians will finally be able to understand." In order to promote the book we have published an exclusive excerpt. Look out for Liz's book next month in all fine book stores like Wal-Mart and 7-11.

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Bringing up Boys: Canadian Edition

Greetings to all the men and women who have had sexual intercourse with each other. You probably bought this book because you have a new baby boy. I’m going to warn you: the sex you had to conceive the child is not as good as the experience of raising the child. You should have used a condom. It’s too late for an abortion now, but there’s always the option of leaving your child in a dumpster in Quebec.

Still have the kid? Hooray for you. Now comes the important stuff. First, enroll your son in hockey. The second thing you should do is beat your child. Now don’t be stupid about how you beat your son because it’s easy to get carried away. As a rule of thumb, don’t leave any bruises. The purpose is to show the baby what violence is. I recommend that you give this lesson as soon as you know your boy is able to remember.

Next, teach your son about Don Cherry. Show tapes of Rock’em Sock'em in the place of Finding Nemo, Bambi, and other gay movies. Instead of listening to music in the car, listen to audio recordings of Coach’s Corner. Buy Don Cherry's dog. Do Don Cherry impressions in front of your child. I do discourage you, however, to instruct your child to dress like Don Cherry. A child can easily be swayed to the dark side of homosexuality if he mimics that certain style of dress at such an early age.

If you have completed all of these steps, congratulations. Your son is officially not a fag nor a pussy. He is a 2-year old man.

You’re not finished yet, however. There’s still a long way to go. With violence fresh in his mind, torment your son. Call him a fag and a pussy (even though he isn’t one). If your son cries, increase the severity of the insults. Do this until he reacts violently towards you. Don’t fight back. Take the physical abuse and persist in instigating him. The object of this exercise is to teach your child how instigation works and how to properly deal with it. You have done well if your son retaliates and injures you. Celebrate with a beer and get your little boy drunk.

Are you teaching your son hockey skills? It’s good if you are, but not too important. The main thing is to get the message of violence across. When you address your son, don't say: "Hey little buddy, wanna go to the zoo today?" Instead, you have to say: "Hey faggot, wanna go to the zoo? Oh wait, I know, you don't want to because you're a pussy." This kind of language will help your son turn into a respectable, fearless hockey man. It is important that you instruct your son to talk to his friends like this all the time.

When you watch him play hockey at games go "full out." You're not being a good parent unless you yell as loud as you can at his hockey games. Ridicule him if he doesn't produce results and ridicule his teammates even more harshly. Don't be shy to scream obscenities. In fact, if you don't say things like "play better you fucking faggot" or "I'm gonna beat your fucking ass at home if you don't score," you're not trying hard enough. In order to ensure that your son grows up to be the best hockey player he can be you need to go into every little-league hockey game with a clear head of rage.

Our Canadian culture is currently at war with hockey and our youngest, most vulnerable hockey players like your son can be most affected. Irrational messages that promote the removal of fighting from hockey are being spewed out from media sources like vomit. Don't be fooled by this progressive rhetoric, it's far too logical to make any sense to you. Just keep fighting and don't ever turn into a fag. If someone ever tells your son not to fight in a hockey game, punch them in the face and call them a pussy. In fact, this should be your response to every criticism you encounter.

After beating them in a fight, Job Dig gave us the right to use the photo above.

Burke and Lowe Strike Back

NEW YORK – Not even 24 hours after Gary Bettman requested that Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe end their very public feud, Bettman received a message in return.

"There’s plenty of good news. He’s finally in stable condition and, because of several blows to the head, Mr. Bettman might be mentally retarded now." said Dr. Leo Spacemen, certified spinal surgeon,

"Or dead. I’m not actually too sure," he finished.

Suffering the similar fate of many other influential messengers of peace, Bettman was brutally assaulted yesterday by Lowe and Burke. They had some choice words to justify their vicious hate crime.

"This is our right to exercise freedom of speech," said Brian Burke, wiping fresh blood off his wrist.

"Did you know, Snoop Dogg likes the Anaheim Ducks," he added convincingly.

"Hey Gary, if you wanna tell me I can’t do something, you gotta come over to my house and tell me with your fists, motherfucker," said Kevin Lowe, while cradling his 6 Stanley Cup rings.

"I have more Stanley Cup rings than you," Burke snapped.

"Whatever. I have Dustin Penner," said Lowe.

"Hey Kevin, you’re so 'low' that you’d give me a five-year, $21.25 million offer sheet for my unrestricted 60 year-old ass," said Burke.

"Where do I start? First of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, you’re a moron. Thirdly, you’re a moron," Kevin said, moronically.

After exchanging a few more insults the two men quickly changed into hockey attire and then traveled to Madison Square Garden to settle the argument physically. According to Isiah Thomas, who happened to witness the fight because he was looking for chicks at the time, reported that neither man had decisively won yet.

The Linesman sincerely hopes that Bettman gets well soon. We do, however, also endorse the continued physical assault of peace-activists, like John McCain. Hopefully Burke and Lowe have a good, injury-riddled fight. They are our beloved saints of hockey's fighting spirit.

In exchange for dinner, Duck Wire gave us the rights to the photo above.

China To World: WE HAVE TANKS

By Ron Pomegranate, Linesman Basketball Department.

As protests erupt everywhere the Olympic torch goes, China prepares its homeland for what could be the best and most exciting protest of the year.

"This is a crisis but it's not as bad as the threat of suicide bombers," said Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olypmic Committee.

"So it could turn out to be really fun to watch. Especially with the way China likes to deal with protestors," he finished.

Political watch-dogs are eagerly anticipating the moment when protestors finally clash with riot squads on Chinese soil. China has recently sent highly ambiguous messages that foreshadow an entertaining matchup. For example, The Chinese Times, China's biggest newspaper, spent the previous week reporting on the award winning design of their newest tank fleet.

Also this past month, CTV (Chinese Television) aired a dozen documentaries that showcased the strength and admirable ability of China's protestor-resisting tanks. In one incredible scene the military demonstrated how their new tanks are perfectly capable of crushing people with little to no bloodshed.

"We can mow people down without leaving stains on the road. Where is your tank man now?" said General Xing Ping Po in the Chinese tank-documentary, Get Outta My Way.

Ron Pomegranate is the head basketball analyst for The Linesman. He is new on staff and loves fighting so much that he wishes for an enjoyable, solid fight between protestors and riot police at the Beijing Olympic Games.

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief snapped the above photograph while on her first journalistic assignment in the late 80's.

Linesman Upgrades Basketball Analysis Staff

The Linesman's award-winning basketball coverage department will experience a little bit of a staff upgrade.

We regret to inform you that our previous full-time basketball analyst, Buck Faucet, disappeared last week while on a seal-hunting vacation in Quebec. His body was never recovered so there are no plans for a funeral. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak was kind enough to make plans to stage a brief memorial service in Buck's memory on Thursday, April 24, 2008, at The Linesman's main office in downtown Toronto.

On the brighter side, we are proud to announce our new full-time basketball analyst, Ron Pomegranate (pictured above). He has had plenty of experience in the NBA. In fact, he coached the Boston Celtics for a total of 4 minutes before being permanently ejected from the game (and subsequently from the league - Pomegranate was banned from working for the NBA after he physically assaulted the opposing team's coach in his 4-minute debut with the Celtics).

In addition to his on-court experience, Ron has spent several decades working in the basketball analysis industry. A fervent lover of basketball, he has created several theories that supposedly improve the game. His most famous contribution to basketball theory is "the fighting rule," also commonly known as "the enforcer rule." As extremely logical as this theory is, Pomegranate's idea has yet to be accepted by the NBA. He has spent his whole career trying to convince the NBA to loosen its zero-tolerance opinion of fighting.

"Over the 86 years that I've known him he's changed many of his opinions. In fact, just last year he dropped his belief that black people should ride at the back of the bus. But this 'fighting in the NBA' idea is one that he'll never let go of," said Donald Daffy, Pomegranate's longtime co-anchor.

Because Ron Pomegranate is so old it is physically impossible for him to work without Donald Daffy. Daffy basically helps the decrepit Ron complete many of Ron's voluntary and involuntary actions. Instead of acting as Ron's "straight man," Donald is actually his personal nurse.

These two talented men are sure to become instant fan favourites. Ron dresses in bizarre clothes and hats on a regular basis. His unusual style has already elevated him to the status of "national icon and celebrity." And of course, Ron's pet possum (pictured above) is an unforgettable mascot that you'll soon come to love.

Look forward to their appearances on this esteemed sports media portal, The Linesman.

The Linesman spent millions of dollars to acquire the rights to show the above picture from Todbrilliant.com.

Roy’s Lawyer: Lawsuit Against Dog “Hopeless”

In the off-chance that you normally consult a less reliable news source, such as TSN, Rogers Sportsnet, or ESPN, you definitely didn’t hear the whole story behind Jonathan Roy. He was unfortunately mauled by a dog a few days ago in a parking lot.

The vicious pug, "Giselle," is responsible for J. Roy's horrific injuries. She is not difficult to identify because, unlike most of her relatives, she usually dresses in a variety of different dog costumes.

The Roys' lawsuit against Giselle will be a hard-fought battle.

"We were told that it’s practically impossible to sue the owner of a dog because dog owners aren’t responsible for a dog’s actions, especially if the dog in question 'acts in the heat of action.' We’re very upset," said Patrick Roy two days ago.

The violent attack occurred shortly after the completion of the now-infamous Sagueneens-Remparts game.

"Obviously we would have preferred to go after the owner of the dog, especially considering that Giselle's English is a little rough, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, you know," he finished.

Jonathan Roy, who refused to be interviewed, simply stood beside his father and showed reporters the "finger" (using all of his available middle fingers, mind you) in anger. He apparently yelled obscenities but our reporter doesn't understand French. Our interpreter was unavailable to help cover the story because he was fired last week.

Things have turned worse for the Roys. Their lawyer, Rusty Hardin, has refused to defend them. Unfortunately the family could not be reached for comment because they are currently enjoying a pleasant seal-hunting trip.

"Dog culture is deeply engrained. Dog-eats-dog, simple as that. You can change people culture, but not dog culture. Everyone knows it's impossible to convince a dog to act rationally. Dogs unfortunately don't have the rationale to control emotions (especially emotions that are 'charged') or instincts the way we humans do," Rusty Hardin said.

"Besides, there's a clause in Quebec law that allows dog violence in hockey arena parking lots... I've lost enough cases while representing athletes. This one looks hopeless so I can't risk losing another," he finished before hopping onto his ATV and driving away.

It is presumed that the Roys will be searching for another lawyer to represent them in court.

We traded some rare hockey POGs in order to acquire the rights from Costume Dogs to display the photo above.

IOC Promotes Hockey Out of Olympics

The International Olympic Committee announced today that ice hockey will no longer be played in all future winter Olympics, including the Vancouver 2010 Games. Hockey analysts reported the event as a positive thing for the game of hockey.

"After years of watching the sport and trying to figure it out, I've realized that hockey is a different game. It can't be compared to anything else and therefore does not deserve the injustice of being played amongst the other average sports in the Olympics," said Jacob Brackish, head of the now-defunct Olympic Hockey Operations Association.

"It's not fair for elite hockey players to play their sacred game alongside all these other pussy games that don't allow fighting. Hockey shouldn't degrade itself to the level of a non-fighting sport."

Perhaps the biggest applause came from Hockey Nation's loudest mouthpiece, Don "fight-or-be-gay" Cherry.

"Hockey is about justice just as much as it's about winning," said Don Cherry in response to the news.

"In fact, it's more about justice. There is no other sport that has the kind of 'self sacrifice' that you see in hockey. In no other game do you ever need to 'take a beating for your boy.' It's more than a sport. So I'm happy that our hockey players won't be wasting their time in the fucking Olympics," finished Cherry.

Hockey experts gathered yesterday in a building in downtown Toronto to reclassify hockey. At the end of the meeting, the unanimous verdict was to re-classify hockey as an unpronounceable symbol. Thereby, it retains distinction as the only "game" - not sport - that tolerates fighting and stupid behaviour.

We reproduced the Olympic logo under the assumption that it is free. The Linesman accomplishes a lot by assuming things, eh?

The Roys Join Seal Hunt

Jonathan Roy and Patrick Roy suddenly have lots of free time because of their involvement in a recent on-ice brawl. They have both acquired lengthy suspensions from the Quebec Junior Hockey League. The timing couldn't be any better, however, because the Great Canadian Seal Hunt is about to begin in a few days.

"As you've witnessed in the video on Youtube, I love beating the shit out of things. Woohoo," said Jonathan Roy.

"Over the next few days I'll be deprived of fighting hockey players so I'm counting on this seal hunt to quench my thirst for punching," he said.

"I'm so proud of my son for taking fighting to the next level. I've packed my favourite club, the same one I used to beat my wife with. I might even bring some of my old goalie equipment so that I can startle the seals," Patrick Roy said.

The Roys left for their seal-clobbering road trip this morning. They are the only pair of hunters who will be dressed in facemasks and goalie pads.

The Grean Diary kindly gave us the above photo as a late Valentine's gift.

Liz Oak, Editor-in-chief Interview: Part 2

Approximately two articles earlier The Linesman began a series of interviews with our editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. This is the second part in the series. The first time around Liz introduced herself to the public. What does she say in part 2? Read this exclusive to find out...

Minge: So it was your passion for dogfighting that introduced you to sports, eh?
LO, EIC: And cockfighting.
Minge: Right, and cockfighting. Would you go as far as to say that you like hockey so much because it’s mildly similar to those two fabulous animal-sports?
LO, EIC: No. Dogs don’t normally get upset when they lose. Unlike hockey players, dogs fight because they’re stupid and that’s what they’re trained to do. From what I understand hockey players fight because they get upset and frustrated. The objectives of both sports are also extremely different. In animal sports, the objective is for one player to literally destroy the other. From what I’ve gathered so far, the objective of hockey seems to be “score more goals than the opponent.” Fighting in hockey functions like a subplot in a bad movie.
Minge: So you’re saying fighting is the main plot of dogfighting and cockfighting?
LO, EIC: Right, but I still watch bad movies for their ingenious subplots. Which is why I like hockey so much.
Minge: So what do you like better: bad movies or hockey?
LO, EIC: I like fighting.
Minge: Next question: who’s your favourite hockey player?
LO, EIC: I find there are very few reasons to dislike Chris Simon.
Minge: Why?
LO, EIC: He’s scored goals - 144 of them in 16 seasons. He’s my favourite.
Minge: Yeah he sounds to me like the greatest player to ever play the game.
LO, EIC: I can’t think of anyone better.
Minge: And what’s your favourite hockey injury?
LO, EIC: I like catching a good ol’ broken back once in a while. To my displeasure, there haven’t been enough broken spines since Bertuzzi’s shining moment a few years back. I was really upset that Jonathan Roy didn’t make enough contact with Bobby Nadeau’s spine to effectively break it during the most recent Sagueneens-Remparts game. Sliced necks are also pretty sweet – but only if it’s an intentional attack.
Minge: Speaking of attacks, how do you feel when a hockey fight breaks out?
LO, EIC: I’m normally half-asleep during a hockey game. Making good passes, creating clever plays, shooting sweet goals, making awesome saves... Why do they bother with that bullshit? It bores me. So when I see play stop because of a fight I get so excited. In fact, my first reaction is to stand on my feet. Then I begin hollering and hooting as loud as I can, often breaking out into an unrecognizable chant that goes something like: "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT..."

Minge: Do you do anything else?

LO, EIC: If I see any objects nearby I usually toss them at my television set. And if there are young children in the vicinity I always make sure to yell obscenities. Especially if the kids are between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately though my current restraining order prevents me from coming near a child for the next 2 years.
Minge: How do you feel when the fight ends?
LO, EIC: I change the channel.
Minge: That's not a feeling...
LO, EIC: Well I lose interest as soon as the game begins again. It’s always my favourite when it takes a really long time for the refs to distribute the penalties. I could watch the refs dish out penalties all day long. I’d be happy if every hockey game in the world got cancelled because all the players couldn’t finish the game due to immediate suspensions as a result of uncontrollable brawls.
Minge: But is it really fun to watch all that dead time?
LO, EIC: Of course it’s fun. I enjoy trying to predict how severe or lax the penalties will be. I closely watch all the other players standing around on the ice and wait for the fight to get settled. There’s nothing better than watching people wait – it’s great. And of course, the stoppage time also cues a commercial break. Which is awesome because I love watching commercials.
Minge: Congratulations, you’ve just convinced me that fighting is an integral part of hockey.
LO, EIC: Absolutely. As Don Cherry says, it’s physically impossible to play hockey without fighting.
Minge: Haven't the Europeans discovered a way to play hockey sans fighting?
LO, EIC: Yes and they’re stupid. They suck at hockey. Haven’t you heard? A European captain has never led a team to win the Stanley Cup because Europeans are bad hockey players.
Minge: Who said that?
LO, EIC: Don Cherry! I repeat, remember, believe and do everything he says.
Minge: No kidding! I would do the same if only I was capable of making good choices like you.
LO, EIC: I don’t really make choices, per se.
Minge: What do you mean?
LO, EIC: I use anger to motivate me to fight and then fighting usually solves my problems. I basically don't think before I act so I don't consider myself a choice-making individual.
Minge: Fascinating. Please elaborate.
LO, EIC: Well I get angry really easily because I enter "the heat of action" really often. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a tyrant but I do have a tendency to just look at my writing staff and hate them immediately. And subsequently fire them. I’ve physically attacked a couple of people too, mostly the postman. The only reason The Linesman is doing so well is because of my thirst for fighting. We can’t compete against TSN, The Score and Rogers Sportsnet without my fighting philosophies.

Stay tuned for the off-chance that we might publish the third part of this riveting series of interviews.

Photo Credit: Black's Photography

Hockey Law Makes Pickton Acquittal Inevitable

Defence lawyers of Robert Pickton, British Columbia's pig-farming serial killer, have discovered a loophole in the Canadian justice system that could provide Pickton with a "get out of jail" card.

"Forensic scientists neglected the fact that Pickton, much like every normal Canadian, had a homemade outdoor hockey rink on his property," said defence lawyer Miles Edgeworth.

"Forensic samples of purified ice indicate that a significant number of the murders took place on Pickton's ice rink. This complicates the entire trial because Section 42, article B of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that, and I quote, 'the hockey rink is a sanctuary for fighting and violence. Any of the preceding events, as long as committed on a hockey rink, are strictly non punishable by law,'" Edgeworth said.

Family members of the victims of the Pickton murders have rightfully voiced their concern and discomfort with the idea of Pickton receiving a lighter sentence. However, these complaints have been silenced and totally ignored due to the extremely logical arguments put forward by wise critics.

"If you remove the clause that allows violence on the hockey rink then we're left with no choice but to change hockey. The problem is, however, that physical assault is part of the game! In fact, fighting and violence is so inseparable from hockey that it is completely impossible to play hockey without being allowed to fight," said Don Cherry.

"As awful as violence is, we can't let the government steal our right to commit violent acts on ice. Not letting Canadians fight in hockey is like taking away Americans' guns. We're extremely nice, peace-keeping people but we can only uphold this national identity if we let our violent subconscious loose on ice," Cherry finished.

Pickton's re-trial will commence in six months. In the mean time, serial killers and wife-beaters across the country have flocked to local hockey rinks to go about their business.

Photo Generously Donated by: National Post

Meet Liz Oak, editor-in-chief: Part 1

As our readership hits the one-million mark we felt the need to perhaps explain ourselves. Where did we come from? Why are we so good? How does The Linesman get the truth right when every other sports channel doesn't? It's all here in a short series of interviews with The Linesman founder and editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. Enjoy as our best interviewer, Soo Min-ji, invites you into the head of our great leader.

Soo Min-ji: Hi, nice to meet you. My name’s Soo Min-ji but you can just call me Minge.
Liz Oak, Editor-In-Chief: Hi Minge, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Minge: It’s good to meet you too. So tell me something about yourself… You’re generally pretty elusive about your identity and our millions of readers want to get to know their favourite editor-in-chief a little better.
LO, E-I-C: Well I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’m a criminal.
Minge: Really? That’s fascinating. What have you done?
LO, E-I-C: I’m fairly confident that I’ve broken some labour laws.
Minge: How so?
LO, E-I-C: Overworking our writers, firing employees based on their physical appearance, how they smell – stuff like that. I basically fire people when I’m bored, you know?
Minge: That’s not so bad.
LO, E-I-C: I’ve killed a man.
Minge: Murder… Seriously?
LO, E-I-C: Of course, I wouldn’t joke about murder. I’m a very serious person.
Minge: If you don’t mind me asking, who did you kill?
LO, E-I-C: I couldn’t possibly damage my reputation by sharing this information with you so I don’t mind at all! I mean, it’s unlikely anyone can prove that we sent Ted Sanders to cover a particular story that I was absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back alive from. I personally don’t really consider that murder, however.
Minge: Aside from your criminal record, what else should we know about you?
LO, E-I-C: I’m a woman.
Minge: Yeah, I’m shocked! I normally assume that all sports editors are men.
LO, E-I-C: Ahem, I’m an editor-in-chief.
Minge: Oh, my apologies. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak, right?
LO, E-I-C: Right. Anyways, it just goes to show that stereotypes are so wrong.
Minge: Would you say that The Linesman aims to break stereotypes and spread the message of love?
LO, E-I-C: That sounds about right, yes. We also try our best to publish unbiased and truthful material. However, I don’t believe ethnic minorities are good enough to be reading The Linesman.
Minge: What is your target audience?
LO, E-I-C: Anyone cool enough to wear Tommy Hilfiger clothing. In fact, if it was possible, I’d make it mandatory to wear Hilfiger clothing while visiting The Linesman. Hilfiger is actually what my employees are expected to wear to work everyday.
Minge: Going back to the subject of race, what’s your opinion of affirmative action?
LO, E-I-C: You.
Minge: Hahaha, you’re hilarious!
LO, E-I-C: Not really. [Takes a sip of coffee]
Minge: So what’s your favourite sport?
LO, E-I-C: Hockey.
Minge: Why so?
LO, E-I-C: I love the fighting. I watch whenever I can, usually in anticipation of concussions, comas, sliced necks, broken spines, severed limbs, blood, loose teeth, extruding eyeballs, etc. I love that shit. Oh! Excuse my language.
Minge: That’s ok – Do you like any other sports?
LO, E-I-C: Not really. I actually hate sports.
Minge: Why do you then act as editor-in-chief of The Linesman?
LO, E-I-C: Well I’ve always been a huge fan of cockfighting and dog fighting – I originally intended to only write about those two activities. But then I discovered that Michael Vick was a famous NFL QB and so I got mildly interested in sports. I was really impressed that an athlete was affiliated with dog fighting. So I wrote a couple of articles on sports - about Vick and whatever, and then the readers started flooding in and eventually everything just spun out of control. This is where we are now and we continue to grow, even beyond my own expectations.

Please stay tuned for the inevitable continuation of this interview.

Dog Mauls Patrick Roy's Son

Jonathan Roy, goalie for the Quebec Remparts of the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League, was mauled yesterday by a pug in a parking lot. He was quickly hospitalized and remains in stable condition. The violent maul was a bitter end to an already bad day as Roy's team lost 7-1 in a game that ended approximately an hour before the dog attack.

Roy received 17 stitches on his skull. His arms were torn apart and subsequently lost (the dog had dragged his limbs into a nearby ravine). The pug, who happened to be dressed in a tuxedo during the attack, also castrated the young goalie. Police have given up on the search for Roy's penis. By the time they file a warrant to surgically inspect the dog's stomach the goalie's dick is expected to be reduced to liquid.

"I was just on my way to my Dad's SUV with my hockey bag. I didn't even see it coming," Jonathan Roy said from his hospital bed.

The owner of the dog was identified as Simon Christienson. He was taken into custody for a few minutes but was shortly released. Police have also freed the vicious pug, Giselle.

"I can't control the reaction of my dog in the heat of action," Christienson told reporters in his defence.

"It's part of the game and unfortunately some dogs forget that humans aren't actually part of the food chain," finished Christienson.

Reporters flooded the local police station in response to the controversial dealing of the dog and its owner.

"I'm afraid Mr. Christienson is right. Getting mauled is just part of life, you know? Anything is permissible as long as you, or any animal for that matter, is 'in the heat of action,'" said constable Smith.

After the constable finished his sentence he drew his gun and fired three reporters, including our very own reporter Ted Sanders.

"Nevermind me, I'm just in the heat of action," he said.

"Carry on."

After the three shooting victims were officially pronounced dead by an intern the Grim Reaper arrived to collect the dead bodies and dispose of them. The Linesman is now hiring. Please email us with your resume.

Bergeron Steps In For Pronger

In order to stay one step ahead in the playoff race the Anaheim Ducks have asked Marc-Andre Bergeron to step in for the suspended Chris Pronger.

"It's really tough to step into any great players' shoes, especially Pronger's," Bergeron said yesterday at a press conference.

"Since I was only traded a few weeks ago I'm new around here and I'm gonna watch my step, you know. I'll be stepping up a gear in order to make a good impression on my new team and new coach."

"This is definitely a step in the right direction," said Ducks coach Randy Carlyle.

"Bergeron is a man who isn't known to tread on anyone's toes, so you know, our team is now ready to step on the gas and plow through the standings even without Pronger," finished Carlyle.

As a player who has traditionally been a reserve, this is the first time Bergeron has been given the chance to step up to the plate. Ducks fans eagerly await positive results.

And in the meantime Pronger has joined Chris Simon in a rehabilitation program called Step By Step. It is a program designed to teach hockey players how to walk around objects as opposed to trampling them.

Pronger Steps On Baby's Head, Shrugs

IN THE NEAR PAST - A baby was submitted into urgent care yesterday after its head was accidentally flattened in a local park. Luckily doctors were able to reconstruct the baby's face. Unluckily however, the infant's face is now stuck in a permanent grin.

"I personally think we should just kill this child," said Dr. Seminaro Cupalli.

"Babies are stupid but this one is really stupid, especially since all its brain matter was crushed. Is anyone planning any medical experiments soon?" finished Dr. Cupalli.

The man who stepped on the baby's face has been identified as Anaheim Ducks' star defenceman Chris Pronger.

"I'm a physical player," Pronger said in his defence.

"And I'm really sorry that I crushed this baby's dreams of reaching the age of 3."

As a result of his actions Pronger has since been sentenced to eight minutes of community service.

Chris Simon Visits Young Offenders Prison

The NHL's most respected player, Chris Simon, visited a young offenders prison in Winnipeg last week. He was a special guest lecturer in an anti-violence workshop that strives to prevent youth-at-risk from getting further involved with crime.

"I used to be like you. Drunk, violent and deadbeat," Simon began in his keynote speech.

"But since those days I've accomplished a lot in my life. Aside from a few NHL goals that I've scored I've beatten the shit out of a lot of hockey players. From what I can remember, I once purposely stepped on Jarkko Ruutu's foot. I also put a stick in Ryan Hollweg's face," he said.

"Um... I cross checked Peter Popovic in the throat. Elbowed Anders Eriksson... I jumped Ruslan Fedotenko and kneed Sergei Zubov. I'm also really proud of myself for calling Mike Grier a nigger. Man, it was really awkward when we played on the same team for a while. But anyways," Simon said.

The NHLer spent 40 minutes of his speech drawing attention to his First Nations heritage. He also dedicated ample time to remind everyone that he had a wife and children. By the time Simon's speech was over the audience was in love with him. Some members of the audience went as far as to shower him in rose petals.

A 15 year-old who cannot be identified due to the Canadian Young Offender's Act braved a question for Simon:

"What were you thinking when you slashed Hollweg in the face and stepped on Ruutu's foot?"

Simon responded:

"In the Hollweg incident I was just really mad. I needed to vent my frustration, you know? What does the NHL expect me to do? Deal with my problems in an honourable and responsible way? That's just absurd!"

"As for Ruutu... My whole life, I never liked it when someone got 'picked on.' That's why I'm an enforcer in the NHL. Any time I don't like what's going on, get angry, or even if my team is losing in a bad game, I'll just start beating people up."

"I hope that made sense," he said, and then left the podium.

Unfortunately because Simon took so long the social workers who were supposed to provide inspirational lectures did not have time to speak at the anti-violence workshop.

Toronto City Hall Proposes "Self-policing" Law

In an effort to appease its largest visible minority, Leafs Nation, the City of Toronto has initiated plans to create drafts of potential new laws that respect the rights of citizen hockey fans. Mayor David Miller revealed a pivotal “self-policing” law at a law-making conference last evening.

“Leafs Nation citizens are an important people whose rights will be violated until we update our laws. This is 2008. It is embarrassing that police are the only people who have the right to use physical force to enforce the law,” Mayor Miller said.

After his introductory remarks Miller explained the “self-policing” law in more depth.

According to the new law, citizens, especially large and unintelligent men, have the right to “promote peace and order by beating the shit out of people deemed suspicious or annoying.”

“Is this potentially an invitation for corruption? No. History shows that when the state institutes and promotes violence society thrives,” Miller added in his closing remarks.

It remains unknown whether the proposed “self-policing” law will permit enforcers to carry out their violence with the use of weapons. Policy makers, however, have been informed and subsequently report that hockey sticks might be allowed.

Leafs Nation Threatens To Separate

A representative from Leafs Nation, the official name of the Maple Leafs fan base, visited Metropolitan Toronto City Hall today to announce plans to claim sovereignty.

“Leafs Nation has its own distinct language. It’s called the ‘unspoken code of hockey.’ You probably don’t speak it because you’re not as intelligent as we are,” said Leafs Nation representative, Maximilian Defacto.

It is not quite clear what rank or position Mr. Defacto officially holds.

“The city of Toronto doesn’t respect our rights as citizens. Such as the right to fight. That’s a god-given right that Toronto can’t take away from us. We begin our fight for sovereignty today,” he said.

Reports indicate that Mr. Defacto was escorted out of Toronto City Hall after he attempted to assault the receptionist.

With the exception of the physical effort security guards used in order to physically remove Maximilian Defacto, City Hall responded calmly to the threats.

“If they actually do separate they’ll have to draw the border between Leafs Nation and Toronto with a piece of chalk. This decision won’t go by without a referendum though,” said Toronto Mayor David Miller.

Leaf Fans React To Trade News

TORONTO - Several violent riots erupted all across the Greater Toronto Area yesterday as Maple Leaf fans learned that Cliff Fletcher was unable to gain any significant players via the 2008 NHL Trade Deadline.

"I'm really angry. Sundin, McCabe, all of those guys should have waived their no trade clauses," said an anonymous Leaf fan.

"This gives me a great reason to start fighting right now so I'm happy about that," he said and then punched our reporter Ted Sanders in the nose.

Before losing consciousness, Sanders was busy interviewing rioting Leaf fans in front of the Air Canada Centre. A particular sect of Leafs Nation gathered in downtown Toronto to express emotions and to burn money. This counts as the second Leafs Nation money-burning bondfire of the year.

Several local pedestrians and tourists, who were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, were physically assaulted by the fans. Reports also indicate that a handful of pigeons were captured and then later grilled in the money-bond fire. Both Amnesty International and PETA dispatched officials in response to the violence.

"I'm mad at the Leafs organization for doing shit-all in the trade," said Northern Ontario lumberjack James Hundy. He had commuted four and a half hours from Littleshack, Ontario, to join the protest.

"This is what we call retaliation!" he yelled and then swung an axe around in the air, beheading three fellow fans.

After the riot began to calm down (due to the fact that numerous people were either beheaded or injured by this point), a new Leafs riot crew arrived from Scarborough. Dropped off in a city bus, the Scarborough fans regained the momentum of the brawl by throwing knives at each other. Despite being unarmed, the few survivors of the original riot joined in too.

As the violence continued the Toronto Police parked their cruisers and cheered the fighters on from a safe distance. The cops finally intervened when they realized that the axe-bearing lumberjack, the only person left standing, was in mid charge towards the police squad. Before clashing with a cruiser the police tasered the man until he died of electrocution.

Report: Fighting Solves Domestic Conflict

In a staggering report released today researchers at Queen's University have announced that physical violence is the most efficient method to help solve marital disputes.

"Communication, tolerance, mediation and therapy are things of the past. If you have a problem with your wife, beat her." said Professor Renee Liebel.

"If you happen to be a wife you naturally won't be able to physically outdo your husband. In this case just shut your trap, accept what your husband says and submit," finished Dr. Liebel.

The NHL was very quick to pick up on the report because the league is currently under fire from the Canadian government. Parliament Hill began an investigation of the NHL's fighting rules when it realized that violence potentially contradicts Canadian values.

"Like normal people, our players and teams usually carry grudges against a handful of opponents. This report justifies our rules that permit our grown men to vent out their frustration and anger with the use of brute force," said disciplinarian Colin Campbell from his yacht in Florida.

"If violence can solve a marital dispute, then violence can solve inter-team feuds as well," finished Campbell.

Before we could ask Campbell to further explain his logic he proceeded to repeatedly punch our reporter in the face. Thankfully, Soo Min-ji safely returned to our headquarters having only lost blood from her vagina.

NHL GMs Discuss Potential Rule Changes

General Managers from across the National Hockey League are currently meeting for three days in Naples, Florida, to determine if the league needs any rules changed. They will obviously discuss the subject of fighting, along with the subjects of women and the literary works of Lord Alfred Tennyson.

"The NHL does not need to change. We're the only professional sports league in North America that still allows its own players to voluntarily injure opponents with the use of brute force. But that doesn't make us look outdated. It makes us look really classy," said Anaheim GM Brian Burke.

Overall game-length has also become an issue lately because some games are beginning to drag out to as long as 4 hours in length.

"I think the most logical solution to this problem is to increase the amount of fighting," said hockey operations co-ordinator Collin Campbell.

All of the GMs showed signs of agreement towards Campbell's wise advice.

"But how do we increase fighting?" asked a confused Anaheim GM Brian Burke.

"Well, I was thinking... In light of Richard Zednik's recent 'ah there's blood spurting everywhere' neck injury, we should encourage the players to cut each others' necks with their skate blades," Campbell said.

"But how?" said Oilers GM Kevin Lowe while scratching his neck.

"Teach them all how to do handstands! Just aim for the neck. The crowd will go nuts for the blood. Our games will also finally be included in ESPN's highlight reels."

"But wasn't Zednik's injury undesirable and tragic?" asked Toronto's Cliff Fletcher.

"Well you see, it's only tragic because he got 'zednecked' by accident. If it was done on purpose the crowd would have loved it. Besides, blood and force is the NHL's philosophy," Campbell finished.

Sylvester Stallone was contacted the following day and hired to instruct all the goons in the NHL, one by one, on how to perform a handstand on ice.

Photo credit: About.com

Bertuzzi Beats Unsuspecting Grandma To Death

While traveling on the subway home from court, Todd Bertuzzi physically assaulted an old woman to the point of death.

In questioning, the police asked Bertuzzi if Marc Crawford told him to carry out this heinous crime.

“Not even in the form of a telepathic message?” asked the police.

“No. I am 100% sure that Marc Crawford did not tell me to beat that old hag…”

“There's a difference between sending players out and knowing that once in awhile you have a job to do and whether it's your description to do it,” Bertuzzi said.

“I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice but to challenge this old woman to a fight,” he finished.

Following the questioning period, Paul Kukla, an NHL hockey blogger, was summoned to help translate Bertuzzi’s thoughts.

“NHLers speak a different language. You have to be an old-timer like me in order to understand. I have a lot of experience with the unwritten rules of the game,” said Kukla.

“You also have to bring yourself down to the level of a child when speaking to an NHLer. In order to see what he’s saying… Actually, give me a minute to figure this out,” Kukla said.

Bertuzzi was released on a $4000 bail. Shortly thereafter, he returned to the police station because he was caught mugging a 46-year old woman walking her dog.