Hockey Law Makes Pickton Acquittal Inevitable

Defence lawyers of Robert Pickton, British Columbia's pig-farming serial killer, have discovered a loophole in the Canadian justice system that could provide Pickton with a "get out of jail" card.

"Forensic scientists neglected the fact that Pickton, much like every normal Canadian, had a homemade outdoor hockey rink on his property," said defence lawyer Miles Edgeworth.

"Forensic samples of purified ice indicate that a significant number of the murders took place on Pickton's ice rink. This complicates the entire trial because Section 42, article B of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that, and I quote, 'the hockey rink is a sanctuary for fighting and violence. Any of the preceding events, as long as committed on a hockey rink, are strictly non punishable by law,'" Edgeworth said.

Family members of the victims of the Pickton murders have rightfully voiced their concern and discomfort with the idea of Pickton receiving a lighter sentence. However, these complaints have been silenced and totally ignored due to the extremely logical arguments put forward by wise critics.

"If you remove the clause that allows violence on the hockey rink then we're left with no choice but to change hockey. The problem is, however, that physical assault is part of the game! In fact, fighting and violence is so inseparable from hockey that it is completely impossible to play hockey without being allowed to fight," said Don Cherry.

"As awful as violence is, we can't let the government steal our right to commit violent acts on ice. Not letting Canadians fight in hockey is like taking away Americans' guns. We're extremely nice, peace-keeping people but we can only uphold this national identity if we let our violent subconscious loose on ice," Cherry finished.

Pickton's re-trial will commence in six months. In the mean time, serial killers and wife-beaters across the country have flocked to local hockey rinks to go about their business.

Photo Generously Donated by: National Post

Report: Tim Hortons Brier Is Not A Doughnut

Our news organization, much like yourself, was really excited about the Tim Hortons Brier. After all, who doesn't look forward to a new addition to the Tim Hortons menu?

So we sent our reporter Soo Min-ji to the nearby Tim Hortons near our headquarters to pick up a dozen of the new Brier-flavoured doughnuts. She returned empty handed, however. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak nearly fired her until Min-ji explained that the Brier wasn't edible.

"I'm extremely depressed," Liz explained yesterday.

"This now means that we have to take money out of our budget, which frankly doesn't actually exist yet, and charter a reporter to Winnipeg so that we can cover this damn curling tournament. But... we'll probably just not do that and make up some fictious reports," Liz finished.

The Linesman coverage of the Brier begins tomorrow. Soo Min-ji is boarding an airplane bound for Winnipeg right now. In fact, she's probably there already.

Gretzky Becomes American, Breaks Modano's Record

Mike Modano's "Most points by an American" celebration came to an adrupt hault with the news of Wayne Gretzky gaining American citizenship.

"I've finally discovered that I'm actually American," said Gretzky yesterday, just after receiving his citizenship status.

"My wife's American, my children are American... I am American. I can't hide it any more. This is a terrible secret that I can't keep from the public," he said while weeping.

This automatically means that Modano is no longer the American points leader in NHL history.

"I have no regrets," said Modano yesterday as he was funnelling a bottle of Champagne.

"I was gonna get drunk tonight either way. I think everyone should be American. It's the best way to go. Esepcially for Wayne," Mike said.

Timberlake and Jackson Scheduled to Re-enact Nipple Flash At 2007 Grey Cup

“The bottom line is that we need viewers. We need money too,” said Grey Cup manager Brad Watters.

“I think this is the best way to draw in the ratings and the crowd. And of course, whatever the Americans do, that’s always a good model to follow,” finished Watters.

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson have both agreed to reprise their roles as half-time exhibitionists.

“I'm grateful that God is of unconditional love,” said Jackson yesterday, apparently referring to the Grey Cup.

“I think it’s cool that Canada wants to copy America,” stated Justin Timberlake. “It’s actually pretty flattering, you know?”

In addition to stripping, Timberlake and Jackson will be singing a sentimental ballad entitled: “Don’t Forget To Watch The Game.”