The Linesman Discovers Deadlines

Dear Legions of Fans,

Despite what you might think, The Linesman is still in business. Our operations have merely been retarded during the past few weeks due to an on-going police investigation at our offices. We sincerely apologize. The Toronto Police Force suspects that our prestigious organization was involved in the gun violence that recently ravaged Toronto. Yes, we too had the same reaction: rubbish!

It seems like the cops won't leave us alone until they plant the evidence find the bodies. That will obviously never happen (because no one at The Linesman is a criminal) so you should expect delays to become as frequent as teenage pregnancy.

There is some good news, however. While I was fake-praying in the shower yesterday I managed to convince God to give me some ideas about how to handle the situation. Guess what, He answered me! I will impose deadlines on my writing staff. I'm reluctant to change my current write-shit-to-avoid-execution system, but I suppose change is necessary sometimes.

The Linesman will be updated sometime every Monday and Thursday. If my incompetent writing staff publishes something in between, consider yourself lucky.

hugs and fellatio,

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief

We have absolutely no reason (or right) to display the picture above.

Linesman Upgrades Basketball Analysis Staff

The Linesman's award-winning basketball coverage department will experience a little bit of a staff upgrade.

We regret to inform you that our previous full-time basketball analyst, Buck Faucet, disappeared last week while on a seal-hunting vacation in Quebec. His body was never recovered so there are no plans for a funeral. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak was kind enough to make plans to stage a brief memorial service in Buck's memory on Thursday, April 24, 2008, at The Linesman's main office in downtown Toronto.

On the brighter side, we are proud to announce our new full-time basketball analyst, Ron Pomegranate (pictured above). He has had plenty of experience in the NBA. In fact, he coached the Boston Celtics for a total of 4 minutes before being permanently ejected from the game (and subsequently from the league - Pomegranate was banned from working for the NBA after he physically assaulted the opposing team's coach in his 4-minute debut with the Celtics).

In addition to his on-court experience, Ron has spent several decades working in the basketball analysis industry. A fervent lover of basketball, he has created several theories that supposedly improve the game. His most famous contribution to basketball theory is "the fighting rule," also commonly known as "the enforcer rule." As extremely logical as this theory is, Pomegranate's idea has yet to be accepted by the NBA. He has spent his whole career trying to convince the NBA to loosen its zero-tolerance opinion of fighting.

"Over the 86 years that I've known him he's changed many of his opinions. In fact, just last year he dropped his belief that black people should ride at the back of the bus. But this 'fighting in the NBA' idea is one that he'll never let go of," said Donald Daffy, Pomegranate's longtime co-anchor.

Because Ron Pomegranate is so old it is physically impossible for him to work without Donald Daffy. Daffy basically helps the decrepit Ron complete many of Ron's voluntary and involuntary actions. Instead of acting as Ron's "straight man," Donald is actually his personal nurse.

These two talented men are sure to become instant fan favourites. Ron dresses in bizarre clothes and hats on a regular basis. His unusual style has already elevated him to the status of "national icon and celebrity." And of course, Ron's pet possum (pictured above) is an unforgettable mascot that you'll soon come to love.

Look forward to their appearances on this esteemed sports media portal, The Linesman.

The Linesman spent millions of dollars to acquire the rights to show the above picture from Todbrilliant.com.

Liz Oak, Editor-in-chief Interview: Part 2

Approximately two articles earlier The Linesman began a series of interviews with our editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. This is the second part in the series. The first time around Liz introduced herself to the public. What does she say in part 2? Read this exclusive to find out...

Minge: So it was your passion for dogfighting that introduced you to sports, eh?
LO, EIC: And cockfighting.
Minge: Right, and cockfighting. Would you go as far as to say that you like hockey so much because it’s mildly similar to those two fabulous animal-sports?
LO, EIC: No. Dogs don’t normally get upset when they lose. Unlike hockey players, dogs fight because they’re stupid and that’s what they’re trained to do. From what I understand hockey players fight because they get upset and frustrated. The objectives of both sports are also extremely different. In animal sports, the objective is for one player to literally destroy the other. From what I’ve gathered so far, the objective of hockey seems to be “score more goals than the opponent.” Fighting in hockey functions like a subplot in a bad movie.
Minge: So you’re saying fighting is the main plot of dogfighting and cockfighting?
LO, EIC: Right, but I still watch bad movies for their ingenious subplots. Which is why I like hockey so much.
Minge: So what do you like better: bad movies or hockey?
LO, EIC: I like fighting.
Minge: Next question: who’s your favourite hockey player?
LO, EIC: I find there are very few reasons to dislike Chris Simon.
Minge: Why?
LO, EIC: He’s scored goals - 144 of them in 16 seasons. He’s my favourite.
Minge: Yeah he sounds to me like the greatest player to ever play the game.
LO, EIC: I can’t think of anyone better.
Minge: And what’s your favourite hockey injury?
LO, EIC: I like catching a good ol’ broken back once in a while. To my displeasure, there haven’t been enough broken spines since Bertuzzi’s shining moment a few years back. I was really upset that Jonathan Roy didn’t make enough contact with Bobby Nadeau’s spine to effectively break it during the most recent Sagueneens-Remparts game. Sliced necks are also pretty sweet – but only if it’s an intentional attack.
Minge: Speaking of attacks, how do you feel when a hockey fight breaks out?
LO, EIC: I’m normally half-asleep during a hockey game. Making good passes, creating clever plays, shooting sweet goals, making awesome saves... Why do they bother with that bullshit? It bores me. So when I see play stop because of a fight I get so excited. In fact, my first reaction is to stand on my feet. Then I begin hollering and hooting as loud as I can, often breaking out into an unrecognizable chant that goes something like: "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT..."

Minge: Do you do anything else?

LO, EIC: If I see any objects nearby I usually toss them at my television set. And if there are young children in the vicinity I always make sure to yell obscenities. Especially if the kids are between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately though my current restraining order prevents me from coming near a child for the next 2 years.
Minge: How do you feel when the fight ends?
LO, EIC: I change the channel.
Minge: That's not a feeling...
LO, EIC: Well I lose interest as soon as the game begins again. It’s always my favourite when it takes a really long time for the refs to distribute the penalties. I could watch the refs dish out penalties all day long. I’d be happy if every hockey game in the world got cancelled because all the players couldn’t finish the game due to immediate suspensions as a result of uncontrollable brawls.
Minge: But is it really fun to watch all that dead time?
LO, EIC: Of course it’s fun. I enjoy trying to predict how severe or lax the penalties will be. I closely watch all the other players standing around on the ice and wait for the fight to get settled. There’s nothing better than watching people wait – it’s great. And of course, the stoppage time also cues a commercial break. Which is awesome because I love watching commercials.
Minge: Congratulations, you’ve just convinced me that fighting is an integral part of hockey.
LO, EIC: Absolutely. As Don Cherry says, it’s physically impossible to play hockey without fighting.
Minge: Haven't the Europeans discovered a way to play hockey sans fighting?
LO, EIC: Yes and they’re stupid. They suck at hockey. Haven’t you heard? A European captain has never led a team to win the Stanley Cup because Europeans are bad hockey players.
Minge: Who said that?
LO, EIC: Don Cherry! I repeat, remember, believe and do everything he says.
Minge: No kidding! I would do the same if only I was capable of making good choices like you.
LO, EIC: I don’t really make choices, per se.
Minge: What do you mean?
LO, EIC: I use anger to motivate me to fight and then fighting usually solves my problems. I basically don't think before I act so I don't consider myself a choice-making individual.
Minge: Fascinating. Please elaborate.
LO, EIC: Well I get angry really easily because I enter "the heat of action" really often. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a tyrant but I do have a tendency to just look at my writing staff and hate them immediately. And subsequently fire them. I’ve physically attacked a couple of people too, mostly the postman. The only reason The Linesman is doing so well is because of my thirst for fighting. We can’t compete against TSN, The Score and Rogers Sportsnet without my fighting philosophies.

Stay tuned for the off-chance that we might publish the third part of this riveting series of interviews.

Photo Credit: Black's Photography

Meet Liz Oak, editor-in-chief: Part 1

As our readership hits the one-million mark we felt the need to perhaps explain ourselves. Where did we come from? Why are we so good? How does The Linesman get the truth right when every other sports channel doesn't? It's all here in a short series of interviews with The Linesman founder and editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. Enjoy as our best interviewer, Soo Min-ji, invites you into the head of our great leader.

Soo Min-ji: Hi, nice to meet you. My name’s Soo Min-ji but you can just call me Minge.
Liz Oak, Editor-In-Chief: Hi Minge, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Minge: It’s good to meet you too. So tell me something about yourself… You’re generally pretty elusive about your identity and our millions of readers want to get to know their favourite editor-in-chief a little better.
LO, E-I-C: Well I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’m a criminal.
Minge: Really? That’s fascinating. What have you done?
LO, E-I-C: I’m fairly confident that I’ve broken some labour laws.
Minge: How so?
LO, E-I-C: Overworking our writers, firing employees based on their physical appearance, how they smell – stuff like that. I basically fire people when I’m bored, you know?
Minge: That’s not so bad.
LO, E-I-C: I’ve killed a man.
Minge: Murder… Seriously?
LO, E-I-C: Of course, I wouldn’t joke about murder. I’m a very serious person.
Minge: If you don’t mind me asking, who did you kill?
LO, E-I-C: I couldn’t possibly damage my reputation by sharing this information with you so I don’t mind at all! I mean, it’s unlikely anyone can prove that we sent Ted Sanders to cover a particular story that I was absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back alive from. I personally don’t really consider that murder, however.
Minge: Aside from your criminal record, what else should we know about you?
LO, E-I-C: I’m a woman.
Minge: Yeah, I’m shocked! I normally assume that all sports editors are men.
LO, E-I-C: Ahem, I’m an editor-in-chief.
Minge: Oh, my apologies. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak, right?
LO, E-I-C: Right. Anyways, it just goes to show that stereotypes are so wrong.
Minge: Would you say that The Linesman aims to break stereotypes and spread the message of love?
LO, E-I-C: That sounds about right, yes. We also try our best to publish unbiased and truthful material. However, I don’t believe ethnic minorities are good enough to be reading The Linesman.
Minge: What is your target audience?
LO, E-I-C: Anyone cool enough to wear Tommy Hilfiger clothing. In fact, if it was possible, I’d make it mandatory to wear Hilfiger clothing while visiting The Linesman. Hilfiger is actually what my employees are expected to wear to work everyday.
Minge: Going back to the subject of race, what’s your opinion of affirmative action?
LO, E-I-C: You.
Minge: Hahaha, you’re hilarious!
LO, E-I-C: Not really. [Takes a sip of coffee]
Minge: So what’s your favourite sport?
LO, E-I-C: Hockey.
Minge: Why so?
LO, E-I-C: I love the fighting. I watch whenever I can, usually in anticipation of concussions, comas, sliced necks, broken spines, severed limbs, blood, loose teeth, extruding eyeballs, etc. I love that shit. Oh! Excuse my language.
Minge: That’s ok – Do you like any other sports?
LO, E-I-C: Not really. I actually hate sports.
Minge: Why do you then act as editor-in-chief of The Linesman?
LO, E-I-C: Well I’ve always been a huge fan of cockfighting and dog fighting – I originally intended to only write about those two activities. But then I discovered that Michael Vick was a famous NFL QB and so I got mildly interested in sports. I was really impressed that an athlete was affiliated with dog fighting. So I wrote a couple of articles on sports - about Vick and whatever, and then the readers started flooding in and eventually everything just spun out of control. This is where we are now and we continue to grow, even beyond my own expectations.

Please stay tuned for the inevitable continuation of this interview.