Liz Oak, Editor-in-chief Interview: Part 2

Approximately two articles earlier The Linesman began a series of interviews with our editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. This is the second part in the series. The first time around Liz introduced herself to the public. What does she say in part 2? Read this exclusive to find out...

Minge: So it was your passion for dogfighting that introduced you to sports, eh?
LO, EIC: And cockfighting.
Minge: Right, and cockfighting. Would you go as far as to say that you like hockey so much because it’s mildly similar to those two fabulous animal-sports?
LO, EIC: No. Dogs don’t normally get upset when they lose. Unlike hockey players, dogs fight because they’re stupid and that’s what they’re trained to do. From what I understand hockey players fight because they get upset and frustrated. The objectives of both sports are also extremely different. In animal sports, the objective is for one player to literally destroy the other. From what I’ve gathered so far, the objective of hockey seems to be “score more goals than the opponent.” Fighting in hockey functions like a subplot in a bad movie.
Minge: So you’re saying fighting is the main plot of dogfighting and cockfighting?
LO, EIC: Right, but I still watch bad movies for their ingenious subplots. Which is why I like hockey so much.
Minge: So what do you like better: bad movies or hockey?
LO, EIC: I like fighting.
Minge: Next question: who’s your favourite hockey player?
LO, EIC: I find there are very few reasons to dislike Chris Simon.
Minge: Why?
LO, EIC: He’s scored goals - 144 of them in 16 seasons. He’s my favourite.
Minge: Yeah he sounds to me like the greatest player to ever play the game.
LO, EIC: I can’t think of anyone better.
Minge: And what’s your favourite hockey injury?
LO, EIC: I like catching a good ol’ broken back once in a while. To my displeasure, there haven’t been enough broken spines since Bertuzzi’s shining moment a few years back. I was really upset that Jonathan Roy didn’t make enough contact with Bobby Nadeau’s spine to effectively break it during the most recent Sagueneens-Remparts game. Sliced necks are also pretty sweet – but only if it’s an intentional attack.
Minge: Speaking of attacks, how do you feel when a hockey fight breaks out?
LO, EIC: I’m normally half-asleep during a hockey game. Making good passes, creating clever plays, shooting sweet goals, making awesome saves... Why do they bother with that bullshit? It bores me. So when I see play stop because of a fight I get so excited. In fact, my first reaction is to stand on my feet. Then I begin hollering and hooting as loud as I can, often breaking out into an unrecognizable chant that goes something like: "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT..."

Minge: Do you do anything else?

LO, EIC: If I see any objects nearby I usually toss them at my television set. And if there are young children in the vicinity I always make sure to yell obscenities. Especially if the kids are between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately though my current restraining order prevents me from coming near a child for the next 2 years.
Minge: How do you feel when the fight ends?
LO, EIC: I change the channel.
Minge: That's not a feeling...
LO, EIC: Well I lose interest as soon as the game begins again. It’s always my favourite when it takes a really long time for the refs to distribute the penalties. I could watch the refs dish out penalties all day long. I’d be happy if every hockey game in the world got cancelled because all the players couldn’t finish the game due to immediate suspensions as a result of uncontrollable brawls.
Minge: But is it really fun to watch all that dead time?
LO, EIC: Of course it’s fun. I enjoy trying to predict how severe or lax the penalties will be. I closely watch all the other players standing around on the ice and wait for the fight to get settled. There’s nothing better than watching people wait – it’s great. And of course, the stoppage time also cues a commercial break. Which is awesome because I love watching commercials.
Minge: Congratulations, you’ve just convinced me that fighting is an integral part of hockey.
LO, EIC: Absolutely. As Don Cherry says, it’s physically impossible to play hockey without fighting.
Minge: Haven't the Europeans discovered a way to play hockey sans fighting?
LO, EIC: Yes and they’re stupid. They suck at hockey. Haven’t you heard? A European captain has never led a team to win the Stanley Cup because Europeans are bad hockey players.
Minge: Who said that?
LO, EIC: Don Cherry! I repeat, remember, believe and do everything he says.
Minge: No kidding! I would do the same if only I was capable of making good choices like you.
LO, EIC: I don’t really make choices, per se.
Minge: What do you mean?
LO, EIC: I use anger to motivate me to fight and then fighting usually solves my problems. I basically don't think before I act so I don't consider myself a choice-making individual.
Minge: Fascinating. Please elaborate.
LO, EIC: Well I get angry really easily because I enter "the heat of action" really often. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a tyrant but I do have a tendency to just look at my writing staff and hate them immediately. And subsequently fire them. I’ve physically attacked a couple of people too, mostly the postman. The only reason The Linesman is doing so well is because of my thirst for fighting. We can’t compete against TSN, The Score and Rogers Sportsnet without my fighting philosophies.

Stay tuned for the off-chance that we might publish the third part of this riveting series of interviews.

Photo Credit: Black's Photography

Hockey Law Makes Pickton Acquittal Inevitable

Defence lawyers of Robert Pickton, British Columbia's pig-farming serial killer, have discovered a loophole in the Canadian justice system that could provide Pickton with a "get out of jail" card.

"Forensic scientists neglected the fact that Pickton, much like every normal Canadian, had a homemade outdoor hockey rink on his property," said defence lawyer Miles Edgeworth.

"Forensic samples of purified ice indicate that a significant number of the murders took place on Pickton's ice rink. This complicates the entire trial because Section 42, article B of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms states that, and I quote, 'the hockey rink is a sanctuary for fighting and violence. Any of the preceding events, as long as committed on a hockey rink, are strictly non punishable by law,'" Edgeworth said.

Family members of the victims of the Pickton murders have rightfully voiced their concern and discomfort with the idea of Pickton receiving a lighter sentence. However, these complaints have been silenced and totally ignored due to the extremely logical arguments put forward by wise critics.

"If you remove the clause that allows violence on the hockey rink then we're left with no choice but to change hockey. The problem is, however, that physical assault is part of the game! In fact, fighting and violence is so inseparable from hockey that it is completely impossible to play hockey without being allowed to fight," said Don Cherry.

"As awful as violence is, we can't let the government steal our right to commit violent acts on ice. Not letting Canadians fight in hockey is like taking away Americans' guns. We're extremely nice, peace-keeping people but we can only uphold this national identity if we let our violent subconscious loose on ice," Cherry finished.

Pickton's re-trial will commence in six months. In the mean time, serial killers and wife-beaters across the country have flocked to local hockey rinks to go about their business.

Photo Generously Donated by: National Post

Linesman Honours Michael Landsberg With Award

Michael Landsberg, the ridiculously talented interviewer on TSN’s Off the Record, is this century’s recipient of The Linesman’s prestigious "Man of the Minute" award. This award is so rare and so next-to-impossible to receive that we have no intention to ever honour any other human being with it.

"Despite the fact that Mr. Landsberg works for our chief sports media rival I want to honour this man for his hard work and inexplicable physical appearance," said Linesman editor-in-chief Liz Oak.

"In fact, I secretly want him to be interviewing athletes on behalf of The Linesman. It's a shame that TSN got him first. Nevertheless, he has inspired us all to talk faster than normal, smile less, gel our hair with tree sap and spray-paint our office walls," she finished.

As Liz Oak explained, "Man of the Minute" is meant to honour a Canadian sports caster/interviewer for his or her hard work displayed over a period of sixty seconds.

"I was watching Off the Record once and noticed that for a combined (not consecutive) fifty nine seconds Michael Landsberg did not speak. I immediately realized the importance of this accomplishment and felt the need to honour it," editor-in-chief Liz Oak said.

Along with the tin-foil trophy, Mr. Landsberg will receive a free gift certificate to a local Toronto botox clinic and a Costco super-package of chapstick.

Chris Simon Visits Young Offenders Prison

The NHL's most respected player, Chris Simon, visited a young offenders prison in Winnipeg last week. He was a special guest lecturer in an anti-violence workshop that strives to prevent youth-at-risk from getting further involved with crime.

"I used to be like you. Drunk, violent and deadbeat," Simon began in his keynote speech.

"But since those days I've accomplished a lot in my life. Aside from a few NHL goals that I've scored I've beatten the shit out of a lot of hockey players. From what I can remember, I once purposely stepped on Jarkko Ruutu's foot. I also put a stick in Ryan Hollweg's face," he said.

"Um... I cross checked Peter Popovic in the throat. Elbowed Anders Eriksson... I jumped Ruslan Fedotenko and kneed Sergei Zubov. I'm also really proud of myself for calling Mike Grier a nigger. Man, it was really awkward when we played on the same team for a while. But anyways," Simon said.

The NHLer spent 40 minutes of his speech drawing attention to his First Nations heritage. He also dedicated ample time to remind everyone that he had a wife and children. By the time Simon's speech was over the audience was in love with him. Some members of the audience went as far as to shower him in rose petals.

A 15 year-old who cannot be identified due to the Canadian Young Offender's Act braved a question for Simon:

"What were you thinking when you slashed Hollweg in the face and stepped on Ruutu's foot?"

Simon responded:

"In the Hollweg incident I was just really mad. I needed to vent my frustration, you know? What does the NHL expect me to do? Deal with my problems in an honourable and responsible way? That's just absurd!"

"As for Ruutu... My whole life, I never liked it when someone got 'picked on.' That's why I'm an enforcer in the NHL. Any time I don't like what's going on, get angry, or even if my team is losing in a bad game, I'll just start beating people up."

"I hope that made sense," he said, and then left the podium.

Unfortunately because Simon took so long the social workers who were supposed to provide inspirational lectures did not have time to speak at the anti-violence workshop.

Leafs Nation Threatens To Separate

A representative from Leafs Nation, the official name of the Maple Leafs fan base, visited Metropolitan Toronto City Hall today to announce plans to claim sovereignty.

“Leafs Nation has its own distinct language. It’s called the ‘unspoken code of hockey.’ You probably don’t speak it because you’re not as intelligent as we are,” said Leafs Nation representative, Maximilian Defacto.

It is not quite clear what rank or position Mr. Defacto officially holds.

“The city of Toronto doesn’t respect our rights as citizens. Such as the right to fight. That’s a god-given right that Toronto can’t take away from us. We begin our fight for sovereignty today,” he said.

Reports indicate that Mr. Defacto was escorted out of Toronto City Hall after he attempted to assault the receptionist.

With the exception of the physical effort security guards used in order to physically remove Maximilian Defacto, City Hall responded calmly to the threats.

“If they actually do separate they’ll have to draw the border between Leafs Nation and Toronto with a piece of chalk. This decision won’t go by without a referendum though,” said Toronto Mayor David Miller.

Timberlake and Jackson Scheduled to Re-enact Nipple Flash At 2007 Grey Cup

“The bottom line is that we need viewers. We need money too,” said Grey Cup manager Brad Watters.

“I think this is the best way to draw in the ratings and the crowd. And of course, whatever the Americans do, that’s always a good model to follow,” finished Watters.

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson have both agreed to reprise their roles as half-time exhibitionists.

“I'm grateful that God is of unconditional love,” said Jackson yesterday, apparently referring to the Grey Cup.

“I think it’s cool that Canada wants to copy America,” stated Justin Timberlake. “It’s actually pretty flattering, you know?”

In addition to stripping, Timberlake and Jackson will be singing a sentimental ballad entitled: “Don’t Forget To Watch The Game.”