Monday, March 24, 2008

Dog Mauls Patrick Roy's Son

Jonathan Roy, goalie for the Quebec Remparts of the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League, was mauled yesterday by a pug in a parking lot. He was quickly hospitalized and remains in stable condition. The violent maul was a bitter end to an already bad day as Roy's team lost 7-1 in a game that ended approximately an hour before the dog attack.

Roy received 17 stitches on his skull. His arms were torn apart and subsequently lost (the dog had dragged his limbs into a nearby ravine). The pug, who happened to be dressed in a tuxedo during the attack, also castrated the young goalie. Police have given up on the search for Roy's penis. By the time they file a warrant to surgically inspect the dog's stomach the goalie's dick is expected to be reduced to liquid.

"I was just on my way to my Dad's SUV with my hockey bag. I didn't even see it coming," Jonathan Roy said from his hospital bed.

The owner of the dog was identified as Simon Christienson. He was taken into custody for a few minutes but was shortly released. Police have also freed the vicious pug, Giselle.

"I can't control the reaction of my dog in the heat of action," Christienson told reporters in his defence.

"It's part of the game and unfortunately some dogs forget that humans aren't actually part of the food chain," finished Christienson.

Reporters flooded the local police station in response to the controversial dealing of the dog and its owner.

"I'm afraid Mr. Christienson is right. Getting mauled is just part of life, you know? Anything is permissible as long as you, or any animal for that matter, is 'in the heat of action,'" said constable Smith.

After the constable finished his sentence he drew his gun and fired three reporters, including our very own reporter Ted Sanders.

"Nevermind me, I'm just in the heat of action," he said.

"Carry on."

After the three shooting victims were officially pronounced dead by an intern the Grim Reaper arrived to collect the dead bodies and dispose of them. The Linesman is now hiring. Please email us with your resume.

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