China To World: WE HAVE TANKS

By Ron Pomegranate, Linesman Basketball Department.

As protests erupt everywhere the Olympic torch goes, China prepares its homeland for what could be the best and most exciting protest of the year.

"This is a crisis but it's not as bad as the threat of suicide bombers," said Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olypmic Committee.

"So it could turn out to be really fun to watch. Especially with the way China likes to deal with protestors," he finished.

Political watch-dogs are eagerly anticipating the moment when protestors finally clash with riot squads on Chinese soil. China has recently sent highly ambiguous messages that foreshadow an entertaining matchup. For example, The Chinese Times, China's biggest newspaper, spent the previous week reporting on the award winning design of their newest tank fleet.

Also this past month, CTV (Chinese Television) aired a dozen documentaries that showcased the strength and admirable ability of China's protestor-resisting tanks. In one incredible scene the military demonstrated how their new tanks are perfectly capable of crushing people with little to no bloodshed.

"We can mow people down without leaving stains on the road. Where is your tank man now?" said General Xing Ping Po in the Chinese tank-documentary, Get Outta My Way.

Ron Pomegranate is the head basketball analyst for The Linesman. He is new on staff and loves fighting so much that he wishes for an enjoyable, solid fight between protestors and riot police at the Beijing Olympic Games.

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief snapped the above photograph while on her first journalistic assignment in the late 80's.

Spielberg Fired, Beijing Searches for Replacement Director

For majority of the world that wasn't aware, Steven Spielberg was actually (yes, actually) slated to direct the opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That plan changed yesterday, however, when the Beijing Olympic committee unanimously decided to terminate Spielberg's contract and schedule a private execution.

"God damnit, where's my jet, I want to go home -" said Spielberg over the phone to his wife in the 15 seconds he was allowed with his one phone call.

Reportedly, Chinese guards beat Spielberg over the back of the neck with batons before he could finish his message. The phone dangled by its cord as the director was taken back to the Great Wall of China, the location of his imprisonment.

The Chinese government claims that they were justified in firing and imprisoning Spielberg because his directorial vision for the opening ceremony was "nothing but a self-absorbed tribute to his legacy and trashy American ideals of capitalism."

The US embassy was notified of the arrest.

"We heard about the incident so naturally we felt a sense of alarm," said US embassy diplomat Steven McFarlen.

"But after we saw the storyboards that Mr. Spielberg created we sided with the Chinese and ignored the issue," finished McFarlen.

The storyboards, which were on display at Tiananmen Square until they were trampled over by military tanks moments ago, called for a gymnastics performance by ET replica robots. The story boards also indicated for the creation of an aquarium full of acrobatic jumping sharks, and a re-creation of the Munich Olympic bombings. The closing of the ceremony was scheduled to end with velociraptors chasing the athletes out of the stadium.

It is still unknown whether Beijing has found a replacement director. However, sources do indicate that Michael Bay was kidnapped from his home yesterday evening.