China To World: WE HAVE TANKS

By Ron Pomegranate, Linesman Basketball Department.

As protests erupt everywhere the Olympic torch goes, China prepares its homeland for what could be the best and most exciting protest of the year.

"This is a crisis but it's not as bad as the threat of suicide bombers," said Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olypmic Committee.

"So it could turn out to be really fun to watch. Especially with the way China likes to deal with protestors," he finished.

Political watch-dogs are eagerly anticipating the moment when protestors finally clash with riot squads on Chinese soil. China has recently sent highly ambiguous messages that foreshadow an entertaining matchup. For example, The Chinese Times, China's biggest newspaper, spent the previous week reporting on the award winning design of their newest tank fleet.

Also this past month, CTV (Chinese Television) aired a dozen documentaries that showcased the strength and admirable ability of China's protestor-resisting tanks. In one incredible scene the military demonstrated how their new tanks are perfectly capable of crushing people with little to no bloodshed.

"We can mow people down without leaving stains on the road. Where is your tank man now?" said General Xing Ping Po in the Chinese tank-documentary, Get Outta My Way.

Ron Pomegranate is the head basketball analyst for The Linesman. He is new on staff and loves fighting so much that he wishes for an enjoyable, solid fight between protestors and riot police at the Beijing Olympic Games.

Liz Oak, editor-in-chief snapped the above photograph while on her first journalistic assignment in the late 80's.

IOC Promotes Hockey Out of Olympics

The International Olympic Committee announced today that ice hockey will no longer be played in all future winter Olympics, including the Vancouver 2010 Games. Hockey analysts reported the event as a positive thing for the game of hockey.

"After years of watching the sport and trying to figure it out, I've realized that hockey is a different game. It can't be compared to anything else and therefore does not deserve the injustice of being played amongst the other average sports in the Olympics," said Jacob Brackish, head of the now-defunct Olympic Hockey Operations Association.

"It's not fair for elite hockey players to play their sacred game alongside all these other pussy games that don't allow fighting. Hockey shouldn't degrade itself to the level of a non-fighting sport."

Perhaps the biggest applause came from Hockey Nation's loudest mouthpiece, Don "fight-or-be-gay" Cherry.

"Hockey is about justice just as much as it's about winning," said Don Cherry in response to the news.

"In fact, it's more about justice. There is no other sport that has the kind of 'self sacrifice' that you see in hockey. In no other game do you ever need to 'take a beating for your boy.' It's more than a sport. So I'm happy that our hockey players won't be wasting their time in the fucking Olympics," finished Cherry.

Hockey experts gathered yesterday in a building in downtown Toronto to reclassify hockey. At the end of the meeting, the unanimous verdict was to re-classify hockey as an unpronounceable symbol. Thereby, it retains distinction as the only "game" - not sport - that tolerates fighting and stupid behaviour.

We reproduced the Olympic logo under the assumption that it is free. The Linesman accomplishes a lot by assuming things, eh?

Spielberg Fired, Beijing Searches for Replacement Director

For majority of the world that wasn't aware, Steven Spielberg was actually (yes, actually) slated to direct the opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That plan changed yesterday, however, when the Beijing Olympic committee unanimously decided to terminate Spielberg's contract and schedule a private execution.

"God damnit, where's my jet, I want to go home -" said Spielberg over the phone to his wife in the 15 seconds he was allowed with his one phone call.

Reportedly, Chinese guards beat Spielberg over the back of the neck with batons before he could finish his message. The phone dangled by its cord as the director was taken back to the Great Wall of China, the location of his imprisonment.

The Chinese government claims that they were justified in firing and imprisoning Spielberg because his directorial vision for the opening ceremony was "nothing but a self-absorbed tribute to his legacy and trashy American ideals of capitalism."

The US embassy was notified of the arrest.

"We heard about the incident so naturally we felt a sense of alarm," said US embassy diplomat Steven McFarlen.

"But after we saw the storyboards that Mr. Spielberg created we sided with the Chinese and ignored the issue," finished McFarlen.

The storyboards, which were on display at Tiananmen Square until they were trampled over by military tanks moments ago, called for a gymnastics performance by ET replica robots. The story boards also indicated for the creation of an aquarium full of acrobatic jumping sharks, and a re-creation of the Munich Olympic bombings. The closing of the ceremony was scheduled to end with velociraptors chasing the athletes out of the stadium.

It is still unknown whether Beijing has found a replacement director. However, sources do indicate that Michael Bay was kidnapped from his home yesterday evening.

Jones Sprints Away from IOC Medal-Stripping Crew

Marion Jones is more than just the former sprinter who won 5 medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Within the past two months she has shot to fame in the Montreal sex industry. Her past history of using growth hormones had doubled the size and capacity of her vagina, making her a huge attraction in the “Bangkok West” of Canada.

Although The Linesman was unable to acquire an interview with Miss Jones, we have sources that say she credits her “double vulva” as her career-saviour. Ironically, drugs have once again helped her get by in life. This is proof as to why everyone should do drugs.

Anyways, her career as an entertainer has been abruptly put on hiatus. Some have claimed creative differences between her original vulva and her new vulva have caused her to take time off and let her vagina resolve itself. These claims have been proved false, however.

The IOC came looking for Jones at her new home in Montreal yesterday. Because of her steroids confession, they asked her politely to return her five Sydney 2000 medals but she refused. The IOC didn’t have a medal-stripping warrant so they were forced to wait outside the Jones residence for five hours before the warrant issuing authority gave them the permission they needed.

It was too late.

Jones grabbed her medals and fled the scene. She had been running as the IOC medal-stripping crew waited for a medal-stripping warrant.To pass the time, The IOC committee visited Club Super Sex.

Even though Jones has been off steroids and growth hormones for the past couple of months, her super vagina allowed her to super queaf which in turn allowed her to gain super distance away from Montreal. In other words, her incredible queafing skills allowed her to run as if assisted by a jet pack.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but the stench of vagina still lingers in the Montreal suburbs. It is unknown whether she will surrender the medals or forsake her career in adult entertainment forever.

Wanted posters displaying Jones’ face and mutated pussy have been posted all over Quebec. Not that anyone actually cares to catch her. Her genitalia is just so awe-inspiring.

“We were looking for an excuse to show pictures of pussy in our store,” said 7-11 owner Louis Francois in St Leonard, Montreal.

Nevertheless, we’re obligated to say this: call 519-555-6661 if you have any tips.

Marion Jones Grows A Second Vulva

Marion Jones, a former superstar sprinter, has recently developed a supervagina due to the amount of growth hormones she took during her running career.

"I was on the treadmill one day while I had my period, and I leaked red all over my pants," she started saying at a press conference yesterday.

"I was like, 'yo girl, what gives?' I had a tampon in... And then I realized that I had two bleeding holes, not just one."

After visiting her doctor, Jones quickly learned that her past use of growth hormones had triggered the mutation.

"I'm not quite certain where the birth canal is any more," said Phillip Recouver, Jones' doctor.

"The bad news is that she might confuse a man in the act of sexual intercourse. The good news: she can still function normally. And besides, Marion makes a desirable three-some partner now."

Reportedly, in effort to rebuild her reputation, Jones accepted a position at Club Super Sex in Montreal.