Bergeron Steps In For Pronger

In order to stay one step ahead in the playoff race the Anaheim Ducks have asked Marc-Andre Bergeron to step in for the suspended Chris Pronger.

"It's really tough to step into any great players' shoes, especially Pronger's," Bergeron said yesterday at a press conference.

"Since I was only traded a few weeks ago I'm new around here and I'm gonna watch my step, you know. I'll be stepping up a gear in order to make a good impression on my new team and new coach."

"This is definitely a step in the right direction," said Ducks coach Randy Carlyle.

"Bergeron is a man who isn't known to tread on anyone's toes, so you know, our team is now ready to step on the gas and plow through the standings even without Pronger," finished Carlyle.

As a player who has traditionally been a reserve, this is the first time Bergeron has been given the chance to step up to the plate. Ducks fans eagerly await positive results.

And in the meantime Pronger has joined Chris Simon in a rehabilitation program called Step By Step. It is a program designed to teach hockey players how to walk around objects as opposed to trampling them.

Pronger Steps On Baby's Head, Shrugs

IN THE NEAR PAST - A baby was submitted into urgent care yesterday after its head was accidentally flattened in a local park. Luckily doctors were able to reconstruct the baby's face. Unluckily however, the infant's face is now stuck in a permanent grin.

"I personally think we should just kill this child," said Dr. Seminaro Cupalli.

"Babies are stupid but this one is really stupid, especially since all its brain matter was crushed. Is anyone planning any medical experiments soon?" finished Dr. Cupalli.

The man who stepped on the baby's face has been identified as Anaheim Ducks' star defenceman Chris Pronger.

"I'm a physical player," Pronger said in his defence.

"And I'm really sorry that I crushed this baby's dreams of reaching the age of 3."

As a result of his actions Pronger has since been sentenced to eight minutes of community service.

Niedermayer's Fork Collection Gaining Prominence

The whereabouts of former Anaheim Ducks captain, Scott Niedermayer, were unknown until today. He was spotted in a kiosk at the 7th annual Fork Show in Santa Monica.

"This is a three prong... but my favourite, is this single prong fork. It's really controversial because it's hard to classify," said Niedermayer while smiling.

"Oh, in case you didn't know, I have a new hobby."

Niedermayer was making a great impression on festival organizers.

"I've never seen such an impressive collection... A mix of forks from urban and rural centres," said head organizer Matthew Spencer. "It's fantastic to have Scott around this year."

Niedermayer had an interesting story explaining his abrupt career change:

"It was while I was eating a steak one day last summer, while admiring my reflection in the Stanley Cup, that I caught a glimpse of the fork I was holding," said Niedermayer.

"I thought to myself, 'why Scotty-boy, you've never seen a fork so beautiful in your life,' and that was it. I was forked from then on... Hahahaha! Get it? Forked!!"