Report: NHL Denies Affiliation With "Love Guru"

The plot of comedian Mike Myers' newest comedy, The Love Guru, apparently revolves around the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL. In fact, in the months preceding the release of the film, the NHL proudly boasted how it "provided Myers and Paramount Pictures unprecedented access and rights."

Since then, however, the NHL has changed its tune.

"The Love Guru? I don't know what you're talking about," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

"Get out of my face," he added, while kicking our reporter in the balls.

It is complete mystery as to why the NHL has denied its affiliation with The Love Guru. The NHL, after all, is North America's poorest professional sports league. This is a publicity opportunity that the Arena Football League can only dream of.

"There are always movies being made about football and baseball - even basketball - but this is one of the only hockey movies I can think of. It's unfortunate that the NHL isn't letting The Love Guru do what Space Jam did for the NBA," said Toronto Star movie critic Peter Howell.

In the mean time, The Love Guru has completely dropped out of the box office top ten. It has only been 3 days since being released. Go see it soon before you miss the opportunity!

The picture above is a reproduction of an official movie poster. With the new Canadian copyright law in place, we truly are risking our livelihood in the name of quality journalism.

Linesman Honours Michael Landsberg With Award

Michael Landsberg, the ridiculously talented interviewer on TSN’s Off the Record, is this century’s recipient of The Linesman’s prestigious "Man of the Minute" award. This award is so rare and so next-to-impossible to receive that we have no intention to ever honour any other human being with it.

"Despite the fact that Mr. Landsberg works for our chief sports media rival I want to honour this man for his hard work and inexplicable physical appearance," said Linesman editor-in-chief Liz Oak.

"In fact, I secretly want him to be interviewing athletes on behalf of The Linesman. It's a shame that TSN got him first. Nevertheless, he has inspired us all to talk faster than normal, smile less, gel our hair with tree sap and spray-paint our office walls," she finished.

As Liz Oak explained, "Man of the Minute" is meant to honour a Canadian sports caster/interviewer for his or her hard work displayed over a period of sixty seconds.

"I was watching Off the Record once and noticed that for a combined (not consecutive) fifty nine seconds Michael Landsberg did not speak. I immediately realized the importance of this accomplishment and felt the need to honour it," editor-in-chief Liz Oak said.

Along with the tin-foil trophy, Mr. Landsberg will receive a free gift certificate to a local Toronto botox clinic and a Costco super-package of chapstick.

Toronto City Hall Proposes "Self-policing" Law

In an effort to appease its largest visible minority, Leafs Nation, the City of Toronto has initiated plans to create drafts of potential new laws that respect the rights of citizen hockey fans. Mayor David Miller revealed a pivotal “self-policing” law at a law-making conference last evening.

“Leafs Nation citizens are an important people whose rights will be violated until we update our laws. This is 2008. It is embarrassing that police are the only people who have the right to use physical force to enforce the law,” Mayor Miller said.

After his introductory remarks Miller explained the “self-policing” law in more depth.

According to the new law, citizens, especially large and unintelligent men, have the right to “promote peace and order by beating the shit out of people deemed suspicious or annoying.”

“Is this potentially an invitation for corruption? No. History shows that when the state institutes and promotes violence society thrives,” Miller added in his closing remarks.

It remains unknown whether the proposed “self-policing” law will permit enforcers to carry out their violence with the use of weapons. Policy makers, however, have been informed and subsequently report that hockey sticks might be allowed.

Leafs Nation Threatens To Separate

A representative from Leafs Nation, the official name of the Maple Leafs fan base, visited Metropolitan Toronto City Hall today to announce plans to claim sovereignty.

“Leafs Nation has its own distinct language. It’s called the ‘unspoken code of hockey.’ You probably don’t speak it because you’re not as intelligent as we are,” said Leafs Nation representative, Maximilian Defacto.

It is not quite clear what rank or position Mr. Defacto officially holds.

“The city of Toronto doesn’t respect our rights as citizens. Such as the right to fight. That’s a god-given right that Toronto can’t take away from us. We begin our fight for sovereignty today,” he said.

Reports indicate that Mr. Defacto was escorted out of Toronto City Hall after he attempted to assault the receptionist.

With the exception of the physical effort security guards used in order to physically remove Maximilian Defacto, City Hall responded calmly to the threats.

“If they actually do separate they’ll have to draw the border between Leafs Nation and Toronto with a piece of chalk. This decision won’t go by without a referendum though,” said Toronto Mayor David Miller.

Leaf Fans React To Trade News

TORONTO - Several violent riots erupted all across the Greater Toronto Area yesterday as Maple Leaf fans learned that Cliff Fletcher was unable to gain any significant players via the 2008 NHL Trade Deadline.

"I'm really angry. Sundin, McCabe, all of those guys should have waived their no trade clauses," said an anonymous Leaf fan.

"This gives me a great reason to start fighting right now so I'm happy about that," he said and then punched our reporter Ted Sanders in the nose.

Before losing consciousness, Sanders was busy interviewing rioting Leaf fans in front of the Air Canada Centre. A particular sect of Leafs Nation gathered in downtown Toronto to express emotions and to burn money. This counts as the second Leafs Nation money-burning bondfire of the year.

Several local pedestrians and tourists, who were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, were physically assaulted by the fans. Reports also indicate that a handful of pigeons were captured and then later grilled in the money-bond fire. Both Amnesty International and PETA dispatched officials in response to the violence.

"I'm mad at the Leafs organization for doing shit-all in the trade," said Northern Ontario lumberjack James Hundy. He had commuted four and a half hours from Littleshack, Ontario, to join the protest.

"This is what we call retaliation!" he yelled and then swung an axe around in the air, beheading three fellow fans.

After the riot began to calm down (due to the fact that numerous people were either beheaded or injured by this point), a new Leafs riot crew arrived from Scarborough. Dropped off in a city bus, the Scarborough fans regained the momentum of the brawl by throwing knives at each other. Despite being unarmed, the few survivors of the original riot joined in too.

As the violence continued the Toronto Police parked their cruisers and cheered the fighters on from a safe distance. The cops finally intervened when they realized that the axe-bearing lumberjack, the only person left standing, was in mid charge towards the police squad. Before clashing with a cruiser the police tasered the man until he died of electrocution.

Zaun Offers Steroids Denial Advice

Inspired by Paul Byrd's example, Gregg Zaun entered the book industry last week by publishing a self-help guide geared towards MLB players. The publisher, Random Syringe Ltd., expects the book to surge in sales as soon as 98% of MLB drug users re-grow the size of their balls and prepare to speak out publicly.

The book comes in a box set. The contents of the box are as follows:

- 1 self-help guide

- 30 vials of truth juice

- 70 syringes

- 55 guaze pads

- 80 band-aids

- FREE six pack of Miller Lite

After violently threatening the publishers the Linesman eventually acquired the rights to publish excerpts from this genre-bending book. We are so proud to deliver another award-winning Linesman exclusive:

Are you in the Mitchell Report? Has your name been linked to steroids? Do you like hot dogs? If you answered yes to these three questions then this book is for you. Think back and ask yourself: did I really take steroids or HGH? Now before you panic just breathe deeply and say: "No, I didn't." You know why? Because it's not true. You and I are professional baseball players. Why should we have anything to do with steroids? My name is Gregg Zaun and allow me to inject you with the knowledge...

Only approach the media when you're ready. When you do, you'll probably be asked the following question: "Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?"

This question will probably catch you off guard so you have to prepare yourself in answering it. Although extremely straighforward, the question is very deceptive. The answer could be yes, no, maybe, probably, sometimes, etc. So you want to make sure that you don't give the wrong answer. Below are a list of suggestions that advise you on how to tackle this complicated question:

Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?

Naaaawwwwww.

- Accentuate the nasal "aw" sound when you give your answer. Draw it out, preferably 5 to 8 seconds long. If you want to appear confident, follow this suggestion.

Uh, Nope.

- If you're "a man of small words," then this method is for you. Give this answer quickly and only in one breath. No more than a second long. Make the "uh" sound like you're saying: "uh, you're stupid."

Hmmm... I don't ever remember taking steroids, so I guess the answer is no.

- This is the most lawful way to respond. If you demonstrate that you don't remember then that means that you didn't do it, period. Great way to convince anyone of anything.

Never, I swear I never did 'em.

- This is a great way to deny steroid allegations if you're from the South. Say it in your best southern drawl. Show a lot of pride in your tone. If you see a leg of fried chicken around you, grab it and wave it in the air as you speak.

Isn't it obvious? No.

- If you want to look pissed off use this answer. Appearing angry will work in your favour because it'll show that you care about the truth. To add even more anger in your tone sigh deeply before beginning this answer.

Negator.

- If you like science fiction or building models then this answer is for you. Wear glasses during the interview, especially if you're not seen in glasses often. If you don't need glasses then buy fake ones. Play up your geeky personality in order to gain the public's sympathy and then say this answer like you "really mean it."

I have never violated MLB's drug policy or failed any drug tests.

- This is my preferred way to answer the question but by no means is it the best. I chose to use this method because it gets right to the point: that I never failed a drug test.

In conclusion, don't say "no" when asked the question. It sounds dishonest...

The Linesman graciously thanks Random Syringe Ltd. for the rights to re-distribute the excerpts seen above.

Toronto Athlete Nude Photos On Internet

YESTERDAY - Nude photos of a female professional hockey player from Europe surfaced on the internet last night. Janiri Tuluski, a member of the Toronto Trapezoids of the WNHL, is the person identified in the photos.

One photo shows Ms. Tuluski “touching tongues” with another woman. The next three photos show her standing completely naked in an empty hotel room. Her breasts and vagina are clearly visible. It has been confirmed that she has a fire crotch.

Tuluski’s General Manager, Turd Ferguson, has released an official statement on behalf of the hockey player:

“Photographs were posted recently on the internet without Janiri's knowledge or consent. Posing naked is a harmless rite of passage that every female athlete goes through during her career. I congratulate her.”

Janiri also released a personal statement: “Unfortunately the pictures were candid and I didn't make any money off them. I have learned a valuable lesson and will approach a publication like Playboy before taking naked pictures of myself again.”

The public and media have gone bananas. The words scandal, horny, hot and sexy have all dominated the headlines relating to this incident. The Linesman contacted Tuluski's agent and negotiated a deal to show studio-quality nude photos of her next month.

Belak Cast In High School Musical 3

Wade Belak, whose acting credits include his own fabulous reality TV show Wade A Minute, has earned a part in the final chapter of the High School Musical trilogy.

"Wade's fighting experience and boyish looks make him the perfect actor for this role," said casting director Donna Summers.

Wade will play the role of Chip, the most fearsome bully in the movie.

"We've been losing a lot of fans since the 2nd High School Musical so we're changing our image by adding fighting scenes in the upcoming installment," said Ron Buttnick, producer.

"I think that my fighting sequences in the movie will bring respect back to the High School Musical franchise," Belak said yesterday.

"Fighting solves everything. In an argument with someone? Start a fight. Losing a hockey game? Start a fight. Don't have any money? Just go outside and fight. Your movie sucks? Add some fight scenes. Personally I wouldn't watch High School Musical unless it had fighting in it," Belak said.

Not surprisingly, Wade's presence in the upcoming High School Musical movie has drawn criticism. In fact, many unhappy fans have assembled in front of Disney studios to protest.

"Fighting is not what High School Musical is about. It's about the music. It's about the high school. It's about love," said Kim Cherry, webmaster of the official Hgih School Musical website.

In response, Wade Belak arrived at the protest to solve the problem. He beat up 21 girls (4 of which he raped) and 3 gay men. No complaints have been filed since the brawl.

Ferguson: Fighting Is The Answer

As witnessed in the recent Coyotes-Leafs matchup, Toronto has a lot of attitude and very little skill.

"That's why we're going to just beat each other up. Tomorrow," said John Ferguson Jr.

"I figure we'll just vent out all of our frustrations by giving ourselves the message. I think fighting will solve the problem," finished Ferguson.

"I like Ferguson's idea," said Darcy Tucker as he punched our reporter in the nose.

"Fighting is sweet. When you're losing badly in a game, why not just start some fights? Fighting answers all of your problems," Darcy said. He then went on to kick Jason Blake in the testicles.

"Fuck you Darcy! I have cancer!" yelled Blake.

"Shut up Jason. I'm trying to help you. You have to fight your cancer or die!"

Our Linesman Reporter, Ted Sanders, fled the locker room in the midst of the apparent "therapy" session.

Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Timberlake and Jackson Scheduled to Re-enact Nipple Flash At 2007 Grey Cup

“The bottom line is that we need viewers. We need money too,” said Grey Cup manager Brad Watters.

“I think this is the best way to draw in the ratings and the crowd. And of course, whatever the Americans do, that’s always a good model to follow,” finished Watters.

Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson have both agreed to reprise their roles as half-time exhibitionists.

“I'm grateful that God is of unconditional love,” said Jackson yesterday, apparently referring to the Grey Cup.

“I think it’s cool that Canada wants to copy America,” stated Justin Timberlake. “It’s actually pretty flattering, you know?”

In addition to stripping, Timberlake and Jackson will be singing a sentimental ballad entitled: “Don’t Forget To Watch The Game.”

Bryan McCabe's Wikipedia Article Vandalized

Because Bryan McCabe is the Leafs' highest paid player, he can afford a gated home that is totally unreachable by vandals. His Wikipedia article, however, is extremely vulnerable.

"I don't understand why the Leaf fans are so hard on me," said McCabe in response to the recent event of virtual vandalism.

"I don't see how my recurring turnovers and 'own-goals' make me a target of this hatred, you know... I obviously didn't want to score on my own net! I honestly don't suck."

Reportedly, before McCabe's article became protected by Wikipedia, it read: "MCCABE SUCKS BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

All of his credible information was erased, and the whole article only displayed pictures and videos of the thousands of mistakes he has made on ice.

Senior Advisor Appointed To Assist Leafs GM

John Ferguson Jr. (JFJ) has been walking the tight rope lately.

The Leafs aren't winning. Team mates are hurting each other during practice. Some players are even developing terminal illnesses.

To prevent the ship from completely tipping over, MLSE has hired a personal "senior assistant" to JFJ.

"I think this dog will help me steer this team in the right direction," JFJ said yesterday. "I clearly can't do this on my own."

"Woof, woof, woof!" said the dog, JFJ's new assistant.

Although the dog has never played hockey, it was found in a local Toronto Pound. It is rumoured that the dog belonged to hockey hall-of-famer Paul Coffey.

"I am very confident that Ferguson will benefit from this esteemed assistant," said the MLSE president.

Leafs Coach Maurice Plans To Use "Empty Net" Strategy

In light of the execution rumours currently swirling around Toronto, Leafs coach Paul Maurice has been busily creating new strategic plans for his team.

"Since our two goalies are as useless as an asshole on your elbow, I think we're just going to play without them," said Maurice at a press conference yesterday.

"If they're going to allow 7 goals per game, then we might as well pull the goalie the whole time and use the man-advantage instead," he finished.

Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala were both unavailable for comment.

Rumour: Leafs Coach May Also Be Fired To Death

Being the coach or manager of the most financially powerful team in any sports league is a really stressful job. Your life is literally on the line sometimes.

For instance, Joe Torre was officially pronounced dead this morning after a New York Yankees firing squad opened fire on the failed manager. Seeing as how the NHL's richest team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, is sucking balls so far in this 2007 season, head coach Paul Maurice might also face a similar demise.

"To be fair, I don't understand why the Leafs organization hasn't shot John Ferguson Jr. yet," said an evidently stressed out Maurice yesterday.

"He doesn't manage the team well, gives me shitty players and zero chemistry to work with... I'm a proud coach though, and I would die for the Leafs," finished Maurice, while clutching his heart with his fist.

Reportedly, Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment has printed a "wanted ad" in the Toronto Star calling for "seasoned rifle and/or gun hobbyists."

Mitchell: I Have Junk In My Trunk

The Toronto Raptors are doing a unique tour of Italy and Spain this upcoming week to promote their team and league in Europe. Normally, people get excited about having the opportunity to shop in a foreign country. Head coach Sam Mitchell is an exception though.

"I don't buy any European-cut suits. I've got junk in my trunk, what can I say, man?" said a vehement Mitchell. "I feel restricted in European suits. I've got a hot ass."

"I also have a really large black penis too, so, you know, I can't fit that into any ordinary white man's suit," Mitchell added.

Immediately following our interview, Sam Mitchell went on a shopping spree at the local FUBU and Sean John outlet store. Reportedly, his shopping experience was filmed and will appear in an upcoming reality TV show called Coaches: Taming the NBA.

MLSE Buys Curling Club

In a move that has shocked sports fans everywhere, Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment, the sports empire of Toronto, has purchased a local curling club.

"I think this move represents MLSE's grand goal: to take over the entire sports market in Canada," said MLSE president Larry Tanenbaum.

"Our new curling team, the Toronto Trumpets, will surely be the worst team in the National Curling League. We'll over-charge for our games, purchase the oldest and most useless players, and of course, make all the games only available in an unfair Leafs-TV-like package."

In the meantime, curling teams around the NCL are scratching their heads.

Frank Thomas Offended by Linesman Post

It isn't everyday that you're contacted by one of the greatest baseball players of our time.

Yesterday, Frank Thomas sent The Linesman an email. It was a slightly angry email, but, we were still happy to receive it because our inbox tends to be perpetually empty.

"Fuck you Linesman, you fucking piece of shit blog," wrote an angry Thomas. "Don't make shit up about my stats, bitches. I take that shit way too seriously, you know. I have no sense of humour so I will fuck you up. With my baseball bat," he said.

"I read any more false shit about me, I'll wrip your spine out," he added in his post script.

In reaction to the complaint, the staff writers of the The Linesman held an emergency meeting.

Nothing was resolved.

Sabres Rape Leafs Without Briere, Drury

After the free agent frenzy this past summer, the Buffalo Sabres must have felt like Britney Spears losing her kids to Kevin Federline. The Sabres lost their two best players, Chris Drury and Daniel Briere.

However, the big hole in their roster didn't prevent them from beating the Maple Leafs 7-2.

"So much for trying to hype up our team," said Leafs Captain Sundin. "I think this is a pretty good indication that we suck."

"The pre-season normally hypes up the new team and the upcoming season," said GM John Ferguson Jr. "I think our pre-season is doing the exact opposite."

"I'm not gonna lie, it was my birthday wish that, you know, we wouldn't suck this bad," said newly acquired Jason Blake.

"I'm beginning to think birthday wishes don't come true," he finished.