Report: NHL Denies Affiliation With "Love Guru"

The plot of comedian Mike Myers' newest comedy, The Love Guru, apparently revolves around the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL. In fact, in the months preceding the release of the film, the NHL proudly boasted how it "provided Myers and Paramount Pictures unprecedented access and rights."

Since then, however, the NHL has changed its tune.

"The Love Guru? I don't know what you're talking about," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.

"Get out of my face," he added, while kicking our reporter in the balls.

It is complete mystery as to why the NHL has denied its affiliation with The Love Guru. The NHL, after all, is North America's poorest professional sports league. This is a publicity opportunity that the Arena Football League can only dream of.

"There are always movies being made about football and baseball - even basketball - but this is one of the only hockey movies I can think of. It's unfortunate that the NHL isn't letting The Love Guru do what Space Jam did for the NBA," said Toronto Star movie critic Peter Howell.

In the mean time, The Love Guru has completely dropped out of the box office top ten. It has only been 3 days since being released. Go see it soon before you miss the opportunity!

The picture above is a reproduction of an official movie poster. With the new Canadian copyright law in place, we truly are risking our livelihood in the name of quality journalism.

Leafs Nation Threatens To Separate

A representative from Leafs Nation, the official name of the Maple Leafs fan base, visited Metropolitan Toronto City Hall today to announce plans to claim sovereignty.

“Leafs Nation has its own distinct language. It’s called the ‘unspoken code of hockey.’ You probably don’t speak it because you’re not as intelligent as we are,” said Leafs Nation representative, Maximilian Defacto.

It is not quite clear what rank or position Mr. Defacto officially holds.

“The city of Toronto doesn’t respect our rights as citizens. Such as the right to fight. That’s a god-given right that Toronto can’t take away from us. We begin our fight for sovereignty today,” he said.

Reports indicate that Mr. Defacto was escorted out of Toronto City Hall after he attempted to assault the receptionist.

With the exception of the physical effort security guards used in order to physically remove Maximilian Defacto, City Hall responded calmly to the threats.

“If they actually do separate they’ll have to draw the border between Leafs Nation and Toronto with a piece of chalk. This decision won’t go by without a referendum though,” said Toronto Mayor David Miller.

Leaf Fans React To Trade News

TORONTO - Several violent riots erupted all across the Greater Toronto Area yesterday as Maple Leaf fans learned that Cliff Fletcher was unable to gain any significant players via the 2008 NHL Trade Deadline.

"I'm really angry. Sundin, McCabe, all of those guys should have waived their no trade clauses," said an anonymous Leaf fan.

"This gives me a great reason to start fighting right now so I'm happy about that," he said and then punched our reporter Ted Sanders in the nose.

Before losing consciousness, Sanders was busy interviewing rioting Leaf fans in front of the Air Canada Centre. A particular sect of Leafs Nation gathered in downtown Toronto to express emotions and to burn money. This counts as the second Leafs Nation money-burning bondfire of the year.

Several local pedestrians and tourists, who were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, were physically assaulted by the fans. Reports also indicate that a handful of pigeons were captured and then later grilled in the money-bond fire. Both Amnesty International and PETA dispatched officials in response to the violence.

"I'm mad at the Leafs organization for doing shit-all in the trade," said Northern Ontario lumberjack James Hundy. He had commuted four and a half hours from Littleshack, Ontario, to join the protest.

"This is what we call retaliation!" he yelled and then swung an axe around in the air, beheading three fellow fans.

After the riot began to calm down (due to the fact that numerous people were either beheaded or injured by this point), a new Leafs riot crew arrived from Scarborough. Dropped off in a city bus, the Scarborough fans regained the momentum of the brawl by throwing knives at each other. Despite being unarmed, the few survivors of the original riot joined in too.

As the violence continued the Toronto Police parked their cruisers and cheered the fighters on from a safe distance. The cops finally intervened when they realized that the axe-bearing lumberjack, the only person left standing, was in mid charge towards the police squad. Before clashing with a cruiser the police tasered the man until he died of electrocution.

Ferguson Misses "Top Prospects" Game

This year the NHL's incoming talent of the future will showcase their skill over two days in Edmonton. The first day will feature a skills competition and the second day will feature an actual game. Scouts and GMs from every team will watch and secretly decide which players to choose come their draft pick.

GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, John Ferguson Jr., missed the entire event.

"The Edmonton Dog Show only happens once a year," said Ferguson in his defence.

"My personal advisor of hockey affairs, who just happens to be a dog, suggested that I see the show. I can't make a good decision for myself so why should I go against my advisor's advice?"

"Woof," said Fletcher the pooch.

According to Ferguson, the dog's ruffs and woofs roughly translated to: "I have a boner."

As soon as members of the media began asking further questions Ferguson summoned a boom box and hit the play button. While cradling the radio between his head and his right shoulder he walked out of the room to the tune of "Fergalicious."

Reportedly, Ferguson can shake his hips quite well.

Toronto Athlete Nude Photos On Internet

YESTERDAY - Nude photos of a female professional hockey player from Europe surfaced on the internet last night. Janiri Tuluski, a member of the Toronto Trapezoids of the WNHL, is the person identified in the photos.

One photo shows Ms. Tuluski “touching tongues” with another woman. The next three photos show her standing completely naked in an empty hotel room. Her breasts and vagina are clearly visible. It has been confirmed that she has a fire crotch.

Tuluski’s General Manager, Turd Ferguson, has released an official statement on behalf of the hockey player:

“Photographs were posted recently on the internet without Janiri's knowledge or consent. Posing naked is a harmless rite of passage that every female athlete goes through during her career. I congratulate her.”

Janiri also released a personal statement: “Unfortunately the pictures were candid and I didn't make any money off them. I have learned a valuable lesson and will approach a publication like Playboy before taking naked pictures of myself again.”

The public and media have gone bananas. The words scandal, horny, hot and sexy have all dominated the headlines relating to this incident. The Linesman contacted Tuluski's agent and negotiated a deal to show studio-quality nude photos of her next month.

Belak Cast In High School Musical 3

Wade Belak, whose acting credits include his own fabulous reality TV show Wade A Minute, has earned a part in the final chapter of the High School Musical trilogy.

"Wade's fighting experience and boyish looks make him the perfect actor for this role," said casting director Donna Summers.

Wade will play the role of Chip, the most fearsome bully in the movie.

"We've been losing a lot of fans since the 2nd High School Musical so we're changing our image by adding fighting scenes in the upcoming installment," said Ron Buttnick, producer.

"I think that my fighting sequences in the movie will bring respect back to the High School Musical franchise," Belak said yesterday.

"Fighting solves everything. In an argument with someone? Start a fight. Losing a hockey game? Start a fight. Don't have any money? Just go outside and fight. Your movie sucks? Add some fight scenes. Personally I wouldn't watch High School Musical unless it had fighting in it," Belak said.

Not surprisingly, Wade's presence in the upcoming High School Musical movie has drawn criticism. In fact, many unhappy fans have assembled in front of Disney studios to protest.

"Fighting is not what High School Musical is about. It's about the music. It's about the high school. It's about love," said Kim Cherry, webmaster of the official Hgih School Musical website.

In response, Wade Belak arrived at the protest to solve the problem. He beat up 21 girls (4 of which he raped) and 3 gay men. No complaints have been filed since the brawl.

Ferguson: Fighting Is The Answer

As witnessed in the recent Coyotes-Leafs matchup, Toronto has a lot of attitude and very little skill.

"That's why we're going to just beat each other up. Tomorrow," said John Ferguson Jr.

"I figure we'll just vent out all of our frustrations by giving ourselves the message. I think fighting will solve the problem," finished Ferguson.

"I like Ferguson's idea," said Darcy Tucker as he punched our reporter in the nose.

"Fighting is sweet. When you're losing badly in a game, why not just start some fights? Fighting answers all of your problems," Darcy said. He then went on to kick Jason Blake in the testicles.

"Fuck you Darcy! I have cancer!" yelled Blake.

"Shut up Jason. I'm trying to help you. You have to fight your cancer or die!"

Our Linesman Reporter, Ted Sanders, fled the locker room in the midst of the apparent "therapy" session.

Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Bryan McCabe's Wikipedia Article Vandalized

Because Bryan McCabe is the Leafs' highest paid player, he can afford a gated home that is totally unreachable by vandals. His Wikipedia article, however, is extremely vulnerable.

"I don't understand why the Leaf fans are so hard on me," said McCabe in response to the recent event of virtual vandalism.

"I don't see how my recurring turnovers and 'own-goals' make me a target of this hatred, you know... I obviously didn't want to score on my own net! I honestly don't suck."

Reportedly, before McCabe's article became protected by Wikipedia, it read: "MCCABE SUCKS BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

All of his credible information was erased, and the whole article only displayed pictures and videos of the thousands of mistakes he has made on ice.

Senior Advisor Appointed To Assist Leafs GM

John Ferguson Jr. (JFJ) has been walking the tight rope lately.

The Leafs aren't winning. Team mates are hurting each other during practice. Some players are even developing terminal illnesses.

To prevent the ship from completely tipping over, MLSE has hired a personal "senior assistant" to JFJ.

"I think this dog will help me steer this team in the right direction," JFJ said yesterday. "I clearly can't do this on my own."

"Woof, woof, woof!" said the dog, JFJ's new assistant.

Although the dog has never played hockey, it was found in a local Toronto Pound. It is rumoured that the dog belonged to hockey hall-of-famer Paul Coffey.

"I am very confident that Ferguson will benefit from this esteemed assistant," said the MLSE president.

Leafs Coach Maurice Plans To Use "Empty Net" Strategy

In light of the execution rumours currently swirling around Toronto, Leafs coach Paul Maurice has been busily creating new strategic plans for his team.

"Since our two goalies are as useless as an asshole on your elbow, I think we're just going to play without them," said Maurice at a press conference yesterday.

"If they're going to allow 7 goals per game, then we might as well pull the goalie the whole time and use the man-advantage instead," he finished.

Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala were both unavailable for comment.

Rumour: Leafs Coach May Also Be Fired To Death

Being the coach or manager of the most financially powerful team in any sports league is a really stressful job. Your life is literally on the line sometimes.

For instance, Joe Torre was officially pronounced dead this morning after a New York Yankees firing squad opened fire on the failed manager. Seeing as how the NHL's richest team, the Toronto Maple Leafs, is sucking balls so far in this 2007 season, head coach Paul Maurice might also face a similar demise.

"To be fair, I don't understand why the Leafs organization hasn't shot John Ferguson Jr. yet," said an evidently stressed out Maurice yesterday.

"He doesn't manage the team well, gives me shitty players and zero chemistry to work with... I'm a proud coach though, and I would die for the Leafs," finished Maurice, while clutching his heart with his fist.

Reportedly, Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment has printed a "wanted ad" in the Toronto Star calling for "seasoned rifle and/or gun hobbyists."

Sabres Rape Leafs Without Briere, Drury

After the free agent frenzy this past summer, the Buffalo Sabres must have felt like Britney Spears losing her kids to Kevin Federline. The Sabres lost their two best players, Chris Drury and Daniel Briere.

However, the big hole in their roster didn't prevent them from beating the Maple Leafs 7-2.

"So much for trying to hype up our team," said Leafs Captain Sundin. "I think this is a pretty good indication that we suck."

"The pre-season normally hypes up the new team and the upcoming season," said GM John Ferguson Jr. "I think our pre-season is doing the exact opposite."

"I'm not gonna lie, it was my birthday wish that, you know, we wouldn't suck this bad," said newly acquired Jason Blake.

"I'm beginning to think birthday wishes don't come true," he finished.