Belak Cast In High School Musical 3

Wade Belak, whose acting credits include his own fabulous reality TV show Wade A Minute, has earned a part in the final chapter of the High School Musical trilogy.

"Wade's fighting experience and boyish looks make him the perfect actor for this role," said casting director Donna Summers.

Wade will play the role of Chip, the most fearsome bully in the movie.

"We've been losing a lot of fans since the 2nd High School Musical so we're changing our image by adding fighting scenes in the upcoming installment," said Ron Buttnick, producer.

"I think that my fighting sequences in the movie will bring respect back to the High School Musical franchise," Belak said yesterday.

"Fighting solves everything. In an argument with someone? Start a fight. Losing a hockey game? Start a fight. Don't have any money? Just go outside and fight. Your movie sucks? Add some fight scenes. Personally I wouldn't watch High School Musical unless it had fighting in it," Belak said.

Not surprisingly, Wade's presence in the upcoming High School Musical movie has drawn criticism. In fact, many unhappy fans have assembled in front of Disney studios to protest.

"Fighting is not what High School Musical is about. It's about the music. It's about the high school. It's about love," said Kim Cherry, webmaster of the official Hgih School Musical website.

In response, Wade Belak arrived at the protest to solve the problem. He beat up 21 girls (4 of which he raped) and 3 gay men. No complaints have been filed since the brawl.

Ferguson: Fighting Is The Answer

As witnessed in the recent Coyotes-Leafs matchup, Toronto has a lot of attitude and very little skill.

"That's why we're going to just beat each other up. Tomorrow," said John Ferguson Jr.

"I figure we'll just vent out all of our frustrations by giving ourselves the message. I think fighting will solve the problem," finished Ferguson.

"I like Ferguson's idea," said Darcy Tucker as he punched our reporter in the nose.

"Fighting is sweet. When you're losing badly in a game, why not just start some fights? Fighting answers all of your problems," Darcy said. He then went on to kick Jason Blake in the testicles.

"Fuck you Darcy! I have cancer!" yelled Blake.

"Shut up Jason. I'm trying to help you. You have to fight your cancer or die!"

Our Linesman Reporter, Ted Sanders, fled the locker room in the midst of the apparent "therapy" session.

Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Marbury Serves Detention With 5th Graders

It has been revealed that Stephon Marbury did not in fact have permission from the Knicks to leave New York. So not only has Marbury been fined, but, he has also been sentenced to detention at Willem Dafoe Middle School in Queens, New York.

"100 lines, no talking," said a stern Mrs. Butterfield, grade five teacher.

Marbury's troubles do not end there. The principal of Dafoe Middle School phoned his parents last night.

"We're very disappointed with Stephon - just going where he wants without permission. We didn't raise him like that," said Mrs. Marbury.

Because this is the same school at which Michael Vick took animal empathy classes, Dafoe Middle School is equipped with a desk that can accomodate a large black man. He serves his detention tomorrow as soon as the school bell rings at 3pm sharp.

With the exception of school bullies, no other people (including reporters) will be allowed on the school premises during, before or after the detention.

Celtics Clinch Playoff Spot

"Give up" was the only comment the Celtics released. The NBA followed up by stating: "Now."

MLS Season Ends In Mystery

David Beckham was not present at the 2007 MLS Championship game so, of course, no one was there to watch.

Unluckily the camera-men representing NBC Sports also forgot to tape the event all together. There was no other media coverage to report the game.

"I got high," said a disgraced NBC camera man Steve Curson. "It just slipped my mind," he said with a big smile on his face.

Despite the fact that we don't know which teams played in the final or who won, we do know one thing: the game had to be stopped for 15 minutes in the first half.

Apparently clean up crews had to remove a mound of tumble weed that began to collect on the field.

Rumour has it that there will be a new MLS season in 2008.

God Interested In Acquiring A-Rod

God, the supreme being who created us all, sent Scott Boras a message through the angel Gabriel last night.

"It happened while I was having a money fight with Alex Rodriguez," began Boras.

"I was so close to winning the fight. I just needed to cover Alex with a few more million in cash, when all of a sudden, a burst of light appeared in the corner of the room. It was an angel. It was beautiful," he said.

According to Boras the angel said that Jesus' baseball team in heaven, the "Nazareth Apostles," was in desperate need of a hitter who is on the verge of becoming a baseball legend.

"We can't lose to Satan's team two years in a row. It's embarrassing. Half the saints on our team are too busy answering prayers," God said in the message.

Boras' decision is still unknown at this point. What we do know, though, is that Mariano Rivera has grown extremely jealous that God hasn't asked him to play on Jesus' baseball team.

"Does Alex quote scripture on his baseball glove? No. I do. It should be me," stated Rivera yesterday in a convincing accent.