Reign of Terror Grips Maricopa County

Less than a day after Shaquille O’Neal was fired from his Special Deputy position at Maricopa County a "reign of terror" enveloped much of the area. Pheonix, Paradise Valley, Buckeye, Carefree, Goodyear and Surprise were the towns and cities hardest hit by this devastating flood of lawlessness.

"Now that Shaquille O'Neal isn't around to protect and serve our society, everything is falling apart," said retiree Evans Williams.

O'Neal was stripped of his deputy sherrif badge after America's Toughest Sherrif, Joe Arpaio, saw a recording of the basketball star rapping.

"I hate rap music. I have no tolerance for that garbage. I only accept people who like classical music, opera, Frank Sinatra hits, obscenity-free patriotic music or educational songs," Arpaio said while cocking a gun.

"Rap music is directly related to crime, so it's evil. And it's also very fun. That's something none of my associates are allowed to experience," he finished, afterwhich he resumed beating a paraplegic inmate.

Meanwhile in Pheonix, law-abiding citizens gathered to protest Shaq's termination. If the violence doesn't end soon Arpaio will be forced to re-hire the foul-mouthed Sherrif Shaq.

The picture above was stolen from the extremely evil and socialist organization, The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

Do Basketball Players Golf?

Reports from sources familiar with the matter indicate that North America's population is experiencing an increase in "larger than average" people. Experts hypothesize that this peculiar population trend is attributed to the fact that more and more NBA basketball teams are being eliminated from the NBA playoffs.

Professional basketball players are re-emerging into society. The question remains: where exactly are they going, and what are they doing?

"I'm not going camping, I'll tell you that much," said Chris Bosh, all-star player for the Toronto Raptors.

"And that's all I'm gonna say," he finished and then abruptly jumped away.

Hockey players are famously known to golf in the off-season. In fact, the expression: "so-and-so hockey club will be swinging the clubs early this year" literally translates to "so-and-so club is not making the post-season." They're going golfing as soon as the season is done and done.

But do basketball players follow suite?

"It's an interesting question and the answer isn't all that obvious," said TSN sports scientist, Vladimir Kushnevski.

"To be blunt, basketball players aren't quite normal people. They're bigger than average and have enormous feet. That evidence suggests that they probably won't be riding golf carts or finding suitable clubs."

Our observers will be monitoring the life choices of all NBA players and hope to provide our readers answers.

Linesman Upgrades Basketball Analysis Staff

The Linesman's award-winning basketball coverage department will experience a little bit of a staff upgrade.

We regret to inform you that our previous full-time basketball analyst, Buck Faucet, disappeared last week while on a seal-hunting vacation in Quebec. His body was never recovered so there are no plans for a funeral. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak was kind enough to make plans to stage a brief memorial service in Buck's memory on Thursday, April 24, 2008, at The Linesman's main office in downtown Toronto.

On the brighter side, we are proud to announce our new full-time basketball analyst, Ron Pomegranate (pictured above). He has had plenty of experience in the NBA. In fact, he coached the Boston Celtics for a total of 4 minutes before being permanently ejected from the game (and subsequently from the league - Pomegranate was banned from working for the NBA after he physically assaulted the opposing team's coach in his 4-minute debut with the Celtics).

In addition to his on-court experience, Ron has spent several decades working in the basketball analysis industry. A fervent lover of basketball, he has created several theories that supposedly improve the game. His most famous contribution to basketball theory is "the fighting rule," also commonly known as "the enforcer rule." As extremely logical as this theory is, Pomegranate's idea has yet to be accepted by the NBA. He has spent his whole career trying to convince the NBA to loosen its zero-tolerance opinion of fighting.

"Over the 86 years that I've known him he's changed many of his opinions. In fact, just last year he dropped his belief that black people should ride at the back of the bus. But this 'fighting in the NBA' idea is one that he'll never let go of," said Donald Daffy, Pomegranate's longtime co-anchor.

Because Ron Pomegranate is so old it is physically impossible for him to work without Donald Daffy. Daffy basically helps the decrepit Ron complete many of Ron's voluntary and involuntary actions. Instead of acting as Ron's "straight man," Donald is actually his personal nurse.

These two talented men are sure to become instant fan favourites. Ron dresses in bizarre clothes and hats on a regular basis. His unusual style has already elevated him to the status of "national icon and celebrity." And of course, Ron's pet possum (pictured above) is an unforgettable mascot that you'll soon come to love.

Look forward to their appearances on this esteemed sports media portal, The Linesman.

The Linesman spent millions of dollars to acquire the rights to show the above picture from Todbrilliant.com.

How To Win The NBA: By Kenny Smith

Yahoo! Sports basketball analyst, Kenny Smith, disappeared yesterday afternoon. His disappearance was discovered after he failed to submit his weekly column to his editor. However, during his absence Smith wrote an article for this esteemed sports publication, The Linesman.

As police search our office for Kenny's body please enjoy this Linesman exclusive...

I used to play in the NBA so I guarantee you I know how to play basketball. Moreover, I've been watching the NBA this year and I've noticed that sometimes teams win games, and sometimes teams lose games. What it comes down to is this: when an NBA team starts a game, there is a 50% chance it will lose the game, and a 50% chance it will win. You can't achieve anything in between.

What I've compiled below is a winning formula. I'll be blunt: you need these things in order to win the NBA championship. Does your favourite team got what it takes?

1. A basketball: If you're going to win an NBA championship the first thing you need is a basketball. A basketball, in case you didn't know, is a ball shaped like most other balls: round. It is not to be confused with testicles. You need a durable, round ball and it also helps immensely if the basketball bounces.

2. Two nets: You could still play a basketball game with one net but it would make things a lot easier if you had two nets. By the way, each team should have their own respective net. A basketball net looks like a hoop except it's nailed to a backboard. You know what I'm saying?

3. Jerseys: You can avoid confusion by dressing two opposing teams in different colour jerseys. If you don't have different jerseys, one team can play shirtless while the other plays with shirts. A logo - also known as a visual representation of a team and its identity - further helps increase the odds of winning an NBA championship by distinguishing one opposing team from another.

4. A corrupt official: It's quite common these days and it really makes a winning difference.

5. A great bench: If you want to win you have to treat your players fairly. Not only should they be paid millions, but they should have a very comfortable seat when they're not playing. Don't buy your bench from IKEA. Get it from a quality furniture company. And remember, basketball players are normally larger than most people so don't buy a bench made for dwarves.

6. Basketball Players: Your roster should comprise of people who are capable of bouncing a ball and shooting it into the hoop. Animals don't count. Your human beings should be physically fit enough to jump and run for about two hours straight. It helps if your roster is populated by (preferably black) males that are between 6 to 8 feet tall.

7. H2O: H2O, commonly referred to as "water," is a colourless and tasteless liquid that helps "quench" thirst. You see, once a basketball player starts playing, running around, shooting etc. he or she will sweat. A basketball player must replenish the lost "sweat" by drinking water. You know what I mean? Without water your basketball players will pass out and you will have to forfeit the championship.

8. Magic: This crucial building block in my winning formula is often the least understood.

-Kenny Smith is an ex-NBA player who can write. If you type in "Kenny Smith" on a Google images search you can see pictures of him. Due to extreme circumstances it is currently impossible to contact him.

Jason Kiddnapped Overnight

First Deavon George used veto power to block a trade that would have landed Jason Kidd back in Dallas. Then, after things were re-sorted, Jerry Stackhouse said some things that once again haulted the trade. Then Jason Kidd just disappeared.

In fact, he went missing last night at approximately 12:30 am. His wife had called 911 and notified the police that she managed to go to bed without acquiring any bruises. The police frantically searched the area around his mansion but failed to identify any suspects.

"Even though Mr. Kidd isn't available to go about his nightly routine with his wife, we generously provided a prison inmate to temporarily accompany the missus to bed," said Kidnapping Unit Head Officer #2, Rance Clayton.

"We've got a serious kiddnapping on our hands. Mark Cuban isn't a suspect either because he owns this police force," finished Clayton.

From what the media has been told, no other NBA players have gone missing yet. If anyone notices any sudden roster changes in either the New Jersey Nets or Dallas Mavericks, please contact an organization not owned by a Mark Cuban.

Marbury Serves Detention With 5th Graders

It has been revealed that Stephon Marbury did not in fact have permission from the Knicks to leave New York. So not only has Marbury been fined, but, he has also been sentenced to detention at Willem Dafoe Middle School in Queens, New York.

"100 lines, no talking," said a stern Mrs. Butterfield, grade five teacher.

Marbury's troubles do not end there. The principal of Dafoe Middle School phoned his parents last night.

"We're very disappointed with Stephon - just going where he wants without permission. We didn't raise him like that," said Mrs. Marbury.

Because this is the same school at which Michael Vick took animal empathy classes, Dafoe Middle School is equipped with a desk that can accomodate a large black man. He serves his detention tomorrow as soon as the school bell rings at 3pm sharp.

With the exception of school bullies, no other people (including reporters) will be allowed on the school premises during, before or after the detention.

Celtics Clinch Playoff Spot

"Give up" was the only comment the Celtics released. The NBA followed up by stating: "Now."

Kobe Unhappy, Removes Some Items From Locker

The Kobe Bryant saga continues.

Not only has he missed three practices already, but, he has also removed an old sandwich, a picture of his dog, a poster of Sting and a stash of one million dollars from his locker.

“I just felt that I should keep this shit at home, yo,” Bryant said yesterday.

“I made this sandwich last year during the playoffs, and I figured, I might as well finish it now,” said Bryant, while chewing through some moldy bread.

“Just 'cause I'm taking this home don't mean I'm leaving the Lakers, god,” he said, talking with his mouth full.

Hopefully Bryant's future with the Lakers will be determined before he finishes eating his old sandwich.

Thomas Cock-Blocks Kobe Trade

Isiah Thomas has aborted a trade that would have brought Kobe Bryant to the New York Knicks. Fans of the Knicks are deeply saddened.

"We can't have that many sex offenders on one team," Isiah said yesterday.

"I know our fans would have appreciated another star player, but, it would make me feel nervous for the Madison Square Garden staff with both me and Kobe present."

Apparently though, Kobe Bryant has misunderstood the whole situation and is planning to move to New York without having anyone's consent.

"I'm going to New York, man," Bryant said. "I love juicy tits," he added.

Linesman reporters tried to get Anucha Browne Sanders to comment on the events but were not very successful. Before she drove off in her new Porsche, she was heard yelling: "Yeah baby! Lawsuit money is sweet!"