Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Cherry Quits CBC, Begins "Hockey Fight In Canada"

Don Cherry has announced his resignation from CBC's Hockey Night In Canada.

"I'm tired of hearing fags tell me that fighting in hockey is stupid," said Cherry yesterday.

"You're stupid," he added, before hopping onto his black slave Quami and trotting off.

In reaction to his resignation, thousands of die-hard Cherry fans assembled in front of the CBC headquarters in downtown Toronto. They all began fighting each other in what appeared to be a sign of protest. Witnesses said that after most of the supporters were either knocked unconscious or sent to the hospital, the more aggressive and stupider Cherry fans began beating the shit out of local pedestrians.

The police of course, clearly imitating NHL referees, just watched the brawl. Asian tourists were also heard cheering from a safe distance.

The rally slowly ended, thankfully, shortly after Cherry made a national public service announcement:

"Fuck Hockey Night In Canada. If you like my brand of hockey, then you'll watch ‘Hockey Fight In Canada.’ The league for real men. No pussies allowed."

According to Cherry, it will be a new league comprised of low-skilled players that all possess size, anger management problems, and low intelligence. Women are not allowed to watch the broadcasts, nor are females allowed to attend games.

"This will be Gladiator. Pure masculine," he added.

Darcy Tucker, Sean Avery, Steve Downie, Chris Neil and Wade Belak are the top agents that have been signed so far. It has been reported that Marty McSorley will come out of retirement to join the league as well.

The rules for the new league are still currently being written. Even though observers speculate that players will be permitted to carry weapons in addition to their hockey stick, Samurai swords will not be allowed because such weapons cannot be used by idiots.

Avs Apparently Acquire Goalie From Blues

YESTERDAY - The Colorado Avalanche have traded some draft picks for an unknown goalie from the St. Louis Blues.

"We don't know who this goalie is, nor do we know if he's good, but, you know, we figured that you can never have enough goalies," said Avalanche GM Francois Giguere.

"I'm really excited to meet him," said Avs Captain Joe Sakic.

"I like making new friends," he added.

Upon his first arrival in Colorado, the mayor of Denver plans to even give this unknown goalie the key to the city.

"I hope that we find out who this goalie is before he makes his ice debut," said the Mayor.