Billy Crystal's 1-Day Yankees Contract Terminated

It was announced today that Billy Crystal would join the New York Yankees roster for a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on March 13, 2008. Those plans have since been cancelled.

"We promised America that we'd be harsher on steroid users in the MLB and as funny as Mr. Crystal is we simply cannot make exceptions," said Bud Selig.

Billy Crystal failed a random drug test conducted before the game. He tested positive for horse testosterone, HGH, crack, an epidural anesthestic, and the vitamin B-12. The doctors, who were in disbelief, even conducted a testicle examination to confirm the results of the drug test. Billy's "crystal" balls were smaller than they should be.

"I'm almost numb to some of these suggestions that I took steroids," said Billy Crystal in an intimate Youtube video he released last night.

Before giving "the finger" to reporters he gave them high-fives and free autographs of the DVD When Harry Met Sally.

The Cleveland Indians, who were interested in signing Crystal to a one year minor-league contract, have abandoned their idea of pursuing the aging comedian.

God Interested In Acquiring A-Rod

God, the supreme being who created us all, sent Scott Boras a message through the angel Gabriel last night.

"It happened while I was having a money fight with Alex Rodriguez," began Boras.

"I was so close to winning the fight. I just needed to cover Alex with a few more million in cash, when all of a sudden, a burst of light appeared in the corner of the room. It was an angel. It was beautiful," he said.

According to Boras the angel said that Jesus' baseball team in heaven, the "Nazareth Apostles," was in desperate need of a hitter who is on the verge of becoming a baseball legend.

"We can't lose to Satan's team two years in a row. It's embarrassing. Half the saints on our team are too busy answering prayers," God said in the message.

Boras' decision is still unknown at this point. What we do know, though, is that Mariano Rivera has grown extremely jealous that God hasn't asked him to play on Jesus' baseball team.

"Does Alex quote scripture on his baseball glove? No. I do. It should be me," stated Rivera yesterday in a convincing accent.

Joe Torre Will Be Fired By Yankees Firing Squad

Joe Torre will be shot to death. Tomorrow.

He has failed his obligation, as Yankees manager, to bring another World Series win to the city of New York. And nobody likes him any more.

"Because we have so much money, we're also covering the cost of the funeral. His family doesn't have to worry about that," said Yankees president George Steinbrenner.

"Yankees nation will not sleep until his blood stains New York soil."

Torre was mostly speechless at his last press conference.

"I have no regrets. Just get it over with," Torre said.

Mother Nature Cheers For Cleveland

Once in a while, people come into contact with God, the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and other supernatural individuals. Last night at the Indians-Yankees game, Mother Nature roared loudly in support of Cleveland.

As a result of cheering enthusiastically for her favourite baseball team, Mother Nature involuntarily released a swarm of bugs that bothered the players for approximately 40 minutes. Some argue that this event altered the eventual outcome of the game.

"Bull shit," said Yankees GM Joe Torre at a post-game conference. "This is absolute bull shit. We would have won if it wasn't for Mother Nature's so-called bug reaction," he finished.

"I really like Ohio," said Mother Nature yesterday. "Especially Cleveland. It's a nice, green place where I really thrive."

"Those bugs didn't swarm the field on purpose. That's just how I am when I watch baseball. Because I'm the mother of nature, I get excited in different ways than normal people."

"Please understand. If you were as epic as I am, you would understand my situation. It's not easy trying to cover up your farts when you shoot wind out of your ass that is strong enough to knock down trees."