Ferguson Misses "Top Prospects" Game

This year the NHL's incoming talent of the future will showcase their skill over two days in Edmonton. The first day will feature a skills competition and the second day will feature an actual game. Scouts and GMs from every team will watch and secretly decide which players to choose come their draft pick.

GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs, John Ferguson Jr., missed the entire event.

"The Edmonton Dog Show only happens once a year," said Ferguson in his defence.

"My personal advisor of hockey affairs, who just happens to be a dog, suggested that I see the show. I can't make a good decision for myself so why should I go against my advisor's advice?"

"Woof," said Fletcher the pooch.

According to Ferguson, the dog's ruffs and woofs roughly translated to: "I have a boner."

As soon as members of the media began asking further questions Ferguson summoned a boom box and hit the play button. While cradling the radio between his head and his right shoulder he walked out of the room to the tune of "Fergalicious."

Reportedly, Ferguson can shake his hips quite well.

Ferguson: Fighting Is The Answer

As witnessed in the recent Coyotes-Leafs matchup, Toronto has a lot of attitude and very little skill.

"That's why we're going to just beat each other up. Tomorrow," said John Ferguson Jr.

"I figure we'll just vent out all of our frustrations by giving ourselves the message. I think fighting will solve the problem," finished Ferguson.

"I like Ferguson's idea," said Darcy Tucker as he punched our reporter in the nose.

"Fighting is sweet. When you're losing badly in a game, why not just start some fights? Fighting answers all of your problems," Darcy said. He then went on to kick Jason Blake in the testicles.

"Fuck you Darcy! I have cancer!" yelled Blake.

"Shut up Jason. I'm trying to help you. You have to fight your cancer or die!"

Our Linesman Reporter, Ted Sanders, fled the locker room in the midst of the apparent "therapy" session.

Senior Advisor Appointed To Assist Leafs GM

John Ferguson Jr. (JFJ) has been walking the tight rope lately.

The Leafs aren't winning. Team mates are hurting each other during practice. Some players are even developing terminal illnesses.

To prevent the ship from completely tipping over, MLSE has hired a personal "senior assistant" to JFJ.

"I think this dog will help me steer this team in the right direction," JFJ said yesterday. "I clearly can't do this on my own."

"Woof, woof, woof!" said the dog, JFJ's new assistant.

Although the dog has never played hockey, it was found in a local Toronto Pound. It is rumoured that the dog belonged to hockey hall-of-famer Paul Coffey.

"I am very confident that Ferguson will benefit from this esteemed assistant," said the MLSE president.

Sabres Rape Leafs Without Briere, Drury

After the free agent frenzy this past summer, the Buffalo Sabres must have felt like Britney Spears losing her kids to Kevin Federline. The Sabres lost their two best players, Chris Drury and Daniel Briere.

However, the big hole in their roster didn't prevent them from beating the Maple Leafs 7-2.

"So much for trying to hype up our team," said Leafs Captain Sundin. "I think this is a pretty good indication that we suck."

"The pre-season normally hypes up the new team and the upcoming season," said GM John Ferguson Jr. "I think our pre-season is doing the exact opposite."

"I'm not gonna lie, it was my birthday wish that, you know, we wouldn't suck this bad," said newly acquired Jason Blake.

"I'm beginning to think birthday wishes don't come true," he finished.