tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88642970355985230532024-02-19T01:13:31.852-05:00The LinesmanSerious About SportsThe Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.comBlogger237125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-46739059270340698092009-12-15T12:22:00.008-05:002009-12-15T12:43:44.761-05:00Don Cherry: Advocate of Hockey Violence?<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FnZYcmODj0U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FnZYcmODj0U&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I am a lazy bitch. I don't work for anyone, so this blog gets updated when I feel like it. Well something has recently happened in the media regarding hockey and <span style="font-style: italic;">bullshit</span>. In case you're out of the loop, I've pasted a fragment from a <a href="http://www.thestar.com/sports/article/738157--doctor-calls-for-don-of-a-new-safer-era">news article</a> that will get you up to speed:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">* * *<br /></div><br />Dr. Charles Tator, a Toronto neurosurgeon, made the comment in front of about 150 people at a Hockey Canada concussion seminar being held in Regina.<br /><br />The doctor said there's been too much emphasis on the "sock 'em, kill 'em type of hockey."<p> Tator says Cherry helped with a campaign many years ago to prevent broken necks and it would help if Cherry could now take a strong stand against hits to the head.</p><p> While Cherry is a long-time advocate of physical play in hockey, he's also championed rule and equipment initiatives to improve player safety.</p><p> He has also complained on air about the lack of respect among players as well as some hits that he considers dangerous.</p><p style="text-align: center;">* * *</p><p style="text-align: left;">Cherry, much like his stupid dog, has barked back. His yelps have echoed throughout the Canadian media. Check out the article about that <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/cherry-lashes-out/article1400385/">here</a>.</p><p style="text-align: left;">What does Don Cherry say in response to Tator, the neurosurgeon?</p><p style="text-align: left;">"I don’t give a [expletive] about him, I don’t give a [expletive] about him."</p><p style="text-align: left;">There is an issue of whether or not the "tape was rolling." Well, it was. The clip was recorded and I believe it's available on youtube. Way to go Cherry, very professional of you. Update your 75-year old mind. People are recording things everywhere and stuff gets uploaded onto youtube in minutes.</p><p style="text-align: left;">COME ON!? Do we need to review all of the tapes that clearly show Cherry advocating hockey fighting and violence? Check out the one I embedded in this post. Cherry here rightly criticizes Avery for his stupid instigating behaviour. Okay, fair. Avery is a pest and a problem. That kind of behaviour does not belong in any sport.</p><p style="text-align: left;">Cherry's suggestion for Avery's antics?</p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Dress Wade Belak so that he can beat the shit out of "this midget."<br /><span style="font-style: italic;"></span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;">Again, what ever happened to being professional? Cherry is a clown. It is unacceptable to call someone a midget on prime time Canadian TV. At approximately 1:00 to about 1:15, Cherry emphasizes that Avery should be "wiped out."</p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEY IDIOTS. CHERRY ADVOCATES VIOLENCE AND "LACK OF RESPECT AMONG PLAYERS" IN THIS TV CLIP.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;">It drives me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY to know that Cherry (and his supporters) can't seem to step back and actually realize what his message is.<br /></p>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-43791825610166895782009-07-09T04:28:00.006-04:002009-07-09T05:02:39.224-04:00Response to comment regarding police brutality = fighting in hockey<p>Gawd, I love dialogues. This is what blogs are meant for. Anonymous kindly wrote:</p><p><em>"you obviously have never played or been involved with a competitive hockey team, if so you would know you are completely out of your mind. there is a place for fighting in hockey. read what you just wrote. it is absolutely ridiculous to equate hockey fighting to police brutality. listen to what you saying. you are insane. end of story."</em></p><p>I am often mistaken for an insane person so I consider this a fair criticism. Perhaps I didn't illustrate my argument clearly enough. Mind you, it is an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><em>illustration</em></span>. A metaphor to help <em>illustrate</em> my point. I thought it was kind of clever. But hey, you're more sane than me so you know better.</p><p>But wait, maybe I just wasn't clear enough. Yeah, that's it. I didn't take my pills the morning I wrote that <a href="http://thelinesman.blogspot.com/2009/02/fighting-in-hockey-police-brutality.html">original article</a>. I'm full of drugs right now and my thinking is straight, so let's try it again:</p><p>1. Hockey enforcers, the finest players of all, enforce "the rules" of the game.</p><p>2. The police officers enforce the law. (I'm comparing THE LAW to the RULES OF HOCKEY.)</p><p>3. When someone "breaks the law" in hockey, the enforcers (AKA Goons) use their fists and beat the crap out of the offenders.</p><p>4. When someone breaks the law in society, police officers attend to the scene. They try to detain offenders by causing the least amount of damage to the suspect as possible. It is never acceptable for a police officer to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">unnecessarily</span> beat an offender (IE: Rodney King). This is considered to be an abuse of power. Civilized people look down upon it. They call it <strong>police brutality.</strong></p><p>5. Enforcers, goons - the meanest, stupidest and least skilled hockey players (who also hold the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">responsibility</span> of enforcing the rules) punish offenders in the game of hockey by using <strong>brute force</strong>. Punching is the most acceptable method.</p><p>So... do you see the parallel? <strong>Goons and enforcers are vigilante "heroes" that follow the philosophy of enforcement by brutally beating offenders.</strong></p><p>And that's my argument. Above it is the logical evidence that proves my point. What the hell are you shouting at me?</p><p><em>A. That I didn't play competitive hockey.</em></p><p>You're right, I didn't. So what? I have played hockey before. In fact, I went to a hockey skills camp. Did they teach me how to fight? Nope. Hmmm... funny, they called it a hockey <em>skills</em> camp for a reason.</p><p><em>B. That I'm apparently "insane."</em></p><p>Just because I never played in a league doesn't mean that you can write off all of my arguments as "insane." Hey, I'm the one who's arguing that violence is bad. I actually think <em>you're</em> insane, Anonymous. I'm pretty sure most people agree that violence is bad. For some reason you seem to think otherwise. Check your head, idiot.</p><p>-liz</p>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-59939674495040272982009-03-29T05:06:00.003-04:002009-03-30T04:02:57.661-04:00One comment! Yay! And here's my rebuttal..."Anonymous" kindly wrote a comment on the blog. Here's what he/she said:<br /><br /><em>If you don't want your son to see fighting why the hell did you bring him to a hockey game?That's like complaining that a fight broke out at a boxing match you took your son too<br /></em>March 28, 2009 1:21 AM<a title="Delete Comment" style="BORDER-TOP-STYLE: none; BORDER-RIGHT-STYLE: none; BORDER-LEFT-STYLE: none; BORDER-BOTTOM-STYLE: none" onclick="" href="https://www.blogger.com/delete-comment.g?blogID=8864297035598523053&postID=690698611153999926"></a><br /><br />I'm sorry, but you are arguing a lost cause. Reason, and critical thinking is on my side of the argument. Here's what our very reasonable writing staff had to say in response:<br /><br /><a onclick="" href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474" rel="nofollow">The Writing Staff</a> said...<br /><br />Dear reader,Thanks for visiting and taking the time to comment.<br /><br />Your analogy, "That's like complaing that a fight broke out at a boxing match," proves nothing.<br /><br />First, I know what to expect out of boxing. Fighting. Punches, blows, blood, bruises. Some ugly stuff. A boxing fan watches boxing because fighting IS the game of boxing.<br /><br />Hockey is about skating, shooting, passing, etc. This is acceptable for young children to watch. But then these idiotic, unexplainable fights break out and that is not acceptable for kids to see (Just as that one father on the Toronto Star website pointed out).<br /><br />Fighting has unfortunately become "a part of the game" of hockey because a culture of violence has been tolerated for many decades. People like you accept fighting in hockey because hockey fans have turned their brains off and failed to evaluate this idiotic culture of violence critically.<br /><br />You believe it is essential to the game of hockey only because it is a tradition. My mission is to show you that fighting is not necessary in hockey. Traditions needs to be evaluated all the time to make sure that society isn't doing or tolerating something stupid when it shouldn't<br /><br />I won't take my kid to a boxing match or an MMA match because it's not kids entertainment. It's meant for adults who have the capacity to understand that the sport involves fighting and blood. And you know what? I have no problem with that. You don't have an argument. Boxing is different than hockey because it is all about fighting. Currently, the NHL accepts fighting and my whole argument is that it's a very big problem.<br /><br />Ok, now my turn to give you some advice:If you love fighting so much, why do you bother watching hockey? Shouldn't you be a boxing fan instead? You must be really bored during hockey games because fighting only happens about 10% of the time, if not less. How do you tolerate 90% of quality skill and play, and anxiously await for a brawl to erupt?<br /><br />Try really hard to look at this logical argument:<br /><br />A. Fighting is not acceptable for children to watch.<br />B. Boxing involves fighting.<br />C. Children should not be allowed to watch boxing.<br /><br /><div align="center">* * *</div><br />Now change B and C so that it looks like this:<br /><br />B. Hockey involves fighting.<br />C. Children should not be allowed to watch hockey.<br /><br />Franky, that is the truth. As long as violence is tolerated, I will not let me children play or watch hockey. And if they do want to watch it, I will take a lot of time to explain that the fighting part is very, very, very stupid.<br /><br />I'm ready for a rebuttal any time. Thanks for commenting, and if you're a visitor and you have something to say, please, comment!!!! I'd love to hear what you think. No matter what side of the argument you're on.The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-59255350871782762742009-02-08T21:24:00.000-05:002009-02-08T21:36:17.233-05:00Through The Eyes Of A Small ChildSometimes I can't articulate the argument well enough. I was reading some comments on Damien Cox's blog, "The Spin," and stumbled upon a <A HREF="http://thestar.blogs.com/thespin/2009/02/now-well-bring-some-more-heat/comments/page/2/#comments">fantastic posting</A>. Here it is:<br /><br />"I never had a problem with fighting in hockey and used to cheer a good donnybrook as much as the next guy. Then, I became a dad and took my 3 year old son to a Jr. B game. When a fight broke out, he became very quiet and concerned and asked me why they were hitting each other. I didn't have a good answer.<br /><br />"Try justifying violence against another individual to a child - you simply can't. I know that there are nuances to the game in its current incarnation that support compelling arguments for why it's necessary to protect one's teammates by dropping the gloves, but surely the rules can be enforced in a manner that make fighting unnecessary. Certainly, seeing a hockey fight occur through the eyes of a small child changed my perspective. <br /><br />Hockey is an absolutely great game, and would still be so if fighting was banned outright."<br /><br />The author's name is James and that's just about all the credit I can give. Can you disagree with him? I would be interested to see someone even try. His story is clear example of why fighting is stupid. Inappropriate behaviour doesn't have a place in a sport that children typically play and watch. The NHL has to choose whether it's a top-4 professional sports league, or a pay-per-view fighting league like MMA. The half time fighting show needs to end now.The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-45717624634568220832009-02-04T22:03:00.001-05:002009-02-04T22:29:09.656-05:00Fighting In Hockey = Police BrutalityI'm not done with Paul Kelly. I respect him for re-evaluating some of the aspects of fighting in hockey, but I still think he's an idiot. He's missing the big picture, along with the rest of the goon army of dog-brained fighting fuckers.<br /><br />I wish I had an audio recording of him speaking this. I wonder whether he talks as loud as Don Cherry. Here's some more of Kelly's wisdom:<br /><br />"... when you have guys in there to protect the star players, the skill players, the people fans pay good money to go watch, it deters that type of conduct, it protects those star players... It actually, in many respects, reduce[s] the amount of violence in our sport."<br /><br />BULL SHIT!<br /><br />First of all, why are there unskilled players in the league? How did they get there? Why is the system so demented that we need mediocre players who are only useful because they're stupid enough to love to fight? GMs actually bypass skilled players in the draft in order to recruit <i>less skilled players?</i> The system stinks of irrationality.<br /><br />Under Kelly's logic, "fans pay good money to [watch skilled players]." So then why doesn't the league comprise 100% of skilled players? Why must 20% of players in the NHL be enforcers, when they could all be good play makers and scorers? If the NHL was all talent, then according to Kelly's logic, there would be more fans. Because after all, NHL fans pay good money to watch skilled players. I can speak for myself. I tend to not watch hockey when the goons take the ice and shit on it.<br /><br />Kelly has absolutely no evidence that fighting in hockey = less violence. The NHL has never experimented. The Olympics doesn't allow fighting, and things seem to be going on fine there. What about all the other leagues around the world? They seem to get along fine, too. I would be interested to see an investigation about whether Kelly's hypothesis, enforcing/self-policing/fighting = less violence in hockey. I don't buy it. It's a load of crap and he's just shitting out of his mouth when he says it.<br /><br />I'm going to end this post with a thought: <b>If fighting in hockey serves the "crucial" purpose of "self policing," then Kelly is a supporter of police brutality.</b> Since when do the police have a right to beat the shit out of offenders? Jail criminals, punish criminals, educate criminals, but don't physically harm them. What good does that do, other than fulfil a thirst for inflicting pain? Violence is not the answer to curbing violence or crime. The day our police force is allowed to beat criminals, that's when I'll accept fighting in hockey.<br /><br />suck my tits,<br />Liz OakThe Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-41273596294591892582009-02-04T21:28:00.000-05:002009-02-04T22:00:54.920-05:00Straight TalkHi. The format of this blog is changing. It was a satire, but now it's going straight. No more of "I'm trying to be clever, funny and critical at the same time." That didn't seem to make an impact and I feel like it's time to be more forward.<br /><br />I still think fighting in hockey is extremely stupid so I'm not closing up shop. If you want to revisit some of the articles in this blog, please do. I sincerely believe some of them stand out as good satirical pieces.<br /><br />ANYWAYS.<br /><br />Don Sanderson is dead. He played for the Whitby Dunlops. Google his name to find out more if you don't know. This event has re-energized the fighting debate in such a powerful way that the NHLPA is wants to <A HREF="http://www.thestar.com/Sports/article/582493">evaluate some of the fighting rules.</A> I won't stop arguing until fighting is completely abolished so I'm not that excited yet.<br /><br />I want to quote the head of the NHL Player's Association, Paul Kelly, because he makes an unbelievable amount of sense:<br /><br />"Fighting isn't just there for some gratuitous reason. It's there because there's a need to self police, there's a need to protect those kinds of players in our sport. And I think that if you get rid of fighting, you're going to have some consequences that are very unfortunate."<br /><br />Gratuitous, eh? That's a word that doesn't get tossed around enough in this debate, because it should! Of course fighting is gratuitous. Let's look at his first reason:<br /><br />"there's a need to self police"<br /><br />Why? Aren't refs, technically, police? And why is there a need to have a "self-police"? Shouldn't the players have enough sense not to hurt each other in the first place? Is hockey so bankrupt of sportsmanship that players cannot resist making "dirty plays" and "dirty hits?"<br /><br />Here's an argument: <b>The culture of fighting encourages dirty plays.</B><br /><br />Digest that thought for a moment.<br /><br />For instance, let's pretend I'm a solid player who makes a "questionable" hit on a superstar. The result is that the superstar is out with a broken bone or some other wonderful ailment for more than a month. The same two teams meet again and some kind of fight breaks out. Fight ends, people get excited and that's the end of the whole cycle.<br /><br />Unless the league punishes dirty hits, foul play will continue because THE ONLY PUNISHMENT IS A BRAWL. And brawls, apparently, are entertaining. So brawls will never end, and dirty plays will never end.<br /><br />This, by definition, is what the NHL's brilliant policy of "self-policing" is. I've got a better idea, why not just cut to the chase and call it BULLYING. That's what it is, really. An endless, idiotic, time wasting cycle of adult men bullying and hurting each other. If you're lucky, sometimes you'll see a game without the childishness.The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-16391424725704311772008-11-12T02:56:00.003-05:002008-11-12T03:12:39.964-05:00NHL Creates Death Penalty<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDw6O3UWmZwr0_wWl6TBKYYW7suyOKVaKKwBVktEt4g6_ppJJzsDUkz3kPshs6bCiV7YL3ubR4COK7NZq4msO5kwc98SoYsAen8w7JUfBgUdRaOEuNdPZLi-31IJUI-kPjikLeyIpu59WE/s1600-h/electric_chair.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5267680247703214802" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 255px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDw6O3UWmZwr0_wWl6TBKYYW7suyOKVaKKwBVktEt4g6_ppJJzsDUkz3kPshs6bCiV7YL3ubR4COK7NZq4msO5kwc98SoYsAen8w7JUfBgUdRaOEuNdPZLi-31IJUI-kPjikLeyIpu59WE/s320/electric_chair.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Last Saturday, the Montreal-Toronto hockey game featured a friendly hit by Tom Kostopolous on Toronto's Mike Van Ryn. Van Ryn suffered a concussion (as-yet unknown grade), a broken nose, a broken bone in his hand, a gash to the forehead and damage to his teeth and gums.<br /><br />"I love hospitals so I really don't mind," Van Ryn said yesterday.<br /><br />"There's nothing better than blanking out. It's really fun and trippy, you know? After all, doctor's say that concussions are good for the brain. I can't say how much I appreciate what Tom did to me," Van Ryn finished, before falling unconscious on his hospital bed.<br /><br />Tom Kostopoulos suffered a three game suspension.<br /><br />"Three games? That's ridiculous. I only gave him a concussion, and a couple of other broken things, you know. What ever happened to giving players NO suspensions after hits like that? This pussy NHL of today sucks," Kostopoulos said, while eating a gyro.<br /><br />To the surprise of many, the NHL has also begun investigating the possibility of an even more severe punishment system to punish players who deal "hits to the head."<br /><br />"We call it the <em>hits to the head incurring death</em> suspension. Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" said league disciplinarian Collin Campbell.<br /><br />The ultra-severe punishment is meant to punish players whose hits to the head cause death.<br /><br />"If a player dies during a game as a result of a hit to the head, the aggressor will receive a five game suspension and a $500 US fine. We're hoping this threat will send a message to the players of the league."<br /><br />"Whatever, punishing players severely for hits to the head is still really stupid," said a defiant Kostopoulos.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">We are not giving any credit to the <a href="http://www.dc.state.fl.us/oth/timeline/images/1900/electric_chair.jpg">Florida Department of Corrections </a>for that photo.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-89716688693911033272008-11-04T05:19:00.005-05:002008-11-04T06:14:53.572-05:00Hockey Group Sex Is Hot<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikmGsxq9zpzj5HRhCwrj4RUrxR7G1S8WxZe3ZIhyphenhyphen0lIEbW1VQu7RxXi2pScffbevNLJCBZ9Fb6GdOeMlE3kwLZqwTNnvvuZgxJ55W93SL5rXNxdLerLKwmFXRQTv-xJJ8qneCkYmSyjP5H/s1600-h/jack+frost.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5264758527731840450" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 238px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikmGsxq9zpzj5HRhCwrj4RUrxR7G1S8WxZe3ZIhyphenhyphen0lIEbW1VQu7RxXi2pScffbevNLJCBZ9Fb6GdOeMlE3kwLZqwTNnvvuZgxJ55W93SL5rXNxdLerLKwmFXRQTv-xJJ8qneCkYmSyjP5H/s320/jack+frost.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>It seems like every sports web site of this nature (this is not a blog) is eventually due for this cliche statement: <em>whew, it's been a long while since our last post</em>. It doesn't mean that it's over. Professionals are still playing sports. Reporters are reporting. And we here at <em>The Linesman</em> are still not in jail.</div><div></div><br /><div>So that's why we'd like to grace you with this newsflash: hockey players have <a href="http://canadianpress.google.com/article/ALeqM5ixVgMYAM5oRL4YOFYxxOmdlBnFrw">sexually adventurous girlfriends</a>. And there are some hockey coaches who like to take advantage of this.</div><div></div><br /><div>"In earnest, I probably should have been a producer in the pornography industry," said David Frost, who we will refer to as Jack Frost because it sounds cooler.</div><div></div><br /><div>Jack Frost is currently on trial because he allegedley organized several group sex sessions that involved players that he coached and their girlfriends. We have a collective staff boner at the moment.</div><div></div><br /><div>"I grew up during the sex revolution in the 60's. We invented this stuff. Kids these days don't know what they're doing. I felt it was my duty as a coach to get myself involved in the lives of my young players," said Frost.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Girls are just sexually adventurous, you know? I was a chaperon. It's best for me to watch and direct rather than have the parents there - that would just be downright incestuous! I promote safe sex, by the way. By being in the room with teenagers fucking," said Frost.</div><div></div><br /><div>It seemed like the defence was doing a great job defending Jack.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Sex involving, three, four or even five people <a href="http://www.thestar.com/News/Ontario/article/529633">happens in hockey </a>and these events weren't unique to Mr. Frost's hockey team. The coach's involvement in the group sex is a little new, however, but it still seems perfectly un-creepy to us. And hopefully to you too," said the defence lawyer.</div><div></div><br /><div>As with every newstory, one always asks the question: what is there to learn out of these events? Well, first of all, if you're looking for some action on a lonely Friday night, just join a hockey team. Secondly, if your coach ever invites himself over to your sex party, tell him to fuck off. No, scratch that. Tell him to stay - as long as he is four times your age.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">That photo above. We <a href="http://www.thestar.com/News/Ontario/article/529633">found it on the internet</a>. Is it yours?</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-71406088471479953582008-09-27T02:02:00.006-04:002008-09-27T08:28:40.529-04:00Sundin Finally Decides Future<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1DfDlQQsIOyGQ8RBodHirzqF1Kf4bLn_9naqk9JVAzZkbYCBjdnrzJpcpbG0C_xAK_tujC_ggwN_DiFPKE1_Guc5nWUK5FUYj_6uiuxjLlwUwlp12MI4zUgiD7OSDrRR3B-7QBUFQdwqH/s1600-h/land.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5250586866231161282" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1DfDlQQsIOyGQ8RBodHirzqF1Kf4bLn_9naqk9JVAzZkbYCBjdnrzJpcpbG0C_xAK_tujC_ggwN_DiFPKE1_Guc5nWUK5FUYj_6uiuxjLlwUwlp12MI4zUgiD7OSDrRR3B-7QBUFQdwqH/s320/land.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>In case you haven't noticed, Mats Sundin has been a question mark since the conclusion of the 07-08 NHL season. Fans and journalists have been anticipating Sundin's decision more than the season itself. He announced his decision yesterday in front of a packed press conference.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Over the summer, while fishing in Sweden, I had an important revelation. People are interested in what I do. What I say," Sundin began. After a pause he continued.</div><div></div><br /><div>"I want to be a reality TV actor. That is all," Sundin finished and exited the stage.</div><div></div><br /><div>The Swedish hockey superstar did not entertain questions. Instead, he broadcasted the pilot episode of his new TV show, <em>Wait a Minute, Mats</em>. According to eye witnesses the pilot episode featured a lot of close-up shots with a wide angle lens of Mats Sundin thinking in silence.</div><div></div><br /><div>"There were a lot of great scenes of him sitting on his fishing boat with the beautiful Swedish horizon in the background. I think this new show is a great way for fans to get a glimpse of how professional hockey players live. I'm looking forward to the next episode," said Damien Cox, hockey reporter for the Toronto Star.</div><div></div><br /><div>According to the distributor, Toronto's Showcase television channel, Sundin's reality show will follow a very similar format to Wade Belak's hit reality show, <em>Wade a Minute.</em></div><div><em></em></div><br /><div>"Since Mats Sundin's favourite activity is waiting we decided to build on the concept of the first Maple Leafs-related reality TV show with Mr. Belak," said Steven Tonka, executive producer of Showcase.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Mats' revelation is indeed startling, to say the least. No matter how little he says, how uninteresting he is, no matter how many times he repeats himself with the most boring and uneventful news about his life, people are always interested in him. Seeing as how he attracted 68% of all sports headlines this past summer he is a serious candidate for Maclean's Magazine's 'Newsmaker of the Year' award," Tonka said.</div><div></div><br /><div>At the end of the press conference Steven Tonka revealed some details of the special edition version of the DVD release of <em>Wait a Minute, Mats</em>. Apparently the DVD box set will feature a limited edition of a short story written by Sundin entitled: <em>Wait: Think About It Longer</em>. According to a source familiar with the matter, the book is loosely based upon Sundin's experience of waiting to make a career decision in the summer of 2008.</div><div></div><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>We have no idea where these anti-land mine photos of Mats Sundin are coming from. Sorry, we cannot give any credit to the author of the photo.</em></span></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-24248927529280639012008-08-28T01:40:00.003-04:002008-08-28T01:55:49.298-04:00Top Ten Moments of Beijing<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5X4PxTUi0JLolmYksGkG3UCqkvSqXAq8PCqz9_Sfa1BlU7TNcXGAwu_B7eloRmCLM3XucdI3ZvUeYpoKvKZhyphenhyphenrEjzq4uCau3KhCPHwObEa7B_vT2EMx1NsHKOhZX3LI10SjulCbgiypv/s1600-h/beijing1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5239443069594657378" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5X4PxTUi0JLolmYksGkG3UCqkvSqXAq8PCqz9_Sfa1BlU7TNcXGAwu_B7eloRmCLM3XucdI3ZvUeYpoKvKZhyphenhyphenrEjzq4uCau3KhCPHwObEa7B_vT2EMx1NsHKOhZX3LI10SjulCbgiypv/s320/beijing1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>The 2008 Beijing Olympics were full of unforgettable moments. There were some low points of course, like that <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,400786,00.html">random stabbing</a>, but other than that, the games operated as smoothly as a state-run economy. Because the writers behind <em>The Linesman</em> are the most incredible journalists on the internet, we decided to compile a list of these moments. Behold, here is a list. Replace your memories of the 2008 Olympics with it.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>1.</strong> Michael Phelps arrives in Bejing<strong>.</strong></div><div><strong></strong></div><br /><div><strong>2.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his first gold medal<strong>.</strong></div><div></div><br /><div><strong>3.</strong> Michael Phelps eat 36,000 calories worth of Chinese dumplings.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>4.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his third gold medal.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>5.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his fourth gold medal, by a hand - mind you.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>6.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his fifth gold medal.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>7.</strong> Michael Phelps wins another gold medal.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>8.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his seventh gold medal.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>9.</strong> Michael Phelps wins his eighth gold medal.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>10.</strong> Michael Phelps leaves Beijing, setting a world record for flying the longest distance by flapping one's arms.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">We stole the above photo from <a href="http://www.archidose.org/Jun03/beijing1.jpg">Adal Voice of Eritreans </a>(yeah, we're probably the only people who would steal from the Eritreans)</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-42649693654722490812008-08-22T04:26:00.003-04:002008-08-28T01:31:20.229-04:00LeBron James Interview<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1kCHqoWOBoGgbxUOSzG6MzqTuUuK8FgfomQhvqj_yoq7x1nyyHPq0C_-hkOIm-u4Pp2ZvoQmvELmARBcVZxYGrpZ_oZq-5ZzBwo4_RbX9wC1Zt2ZEzXwETYMN0OOT9apsGSHzPejCMMUc/s1600-h/lebron.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5239436900961412130" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1kCHqoWOBoGgbxUOSzG6MzqTuUuK8FgfomQhvqj_yoq7x1nyyHPq0C_-hkOIm-u4Pp2ZvoQmvELmARBcVZxYGrpZ_oZq-5ZzBwo4_RbX9wC1Zt2ZEzXwETYMN0OOT9apsGSHzPejCMMUc/s320/lebron.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>The United States basketball team has been demoted from being a "dream team" to the "redeem team." Nevertheless, the promonent NBA stars that make up the roster are sought-after celebrities in Beijing. We were able to nab one of them, LeBron James, for an intimate interview with our chief-of-interviews, Su Minji. Find out what you've always wanted to know about this superiorly talented person.</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>Minge: </strong>Hi, my name is Su Minji but you can just call me Minge.<br /><strong>LeBron: </strong>Hello, Minge.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Nice to meet you. So is it true: is your name LeBron James?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> It’s true.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Now is that French?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> No, no, it’s black.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Oh. Ok. But, if that’s your name, why do people call you “King James?”<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Well that’s my nickname.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> But it’s not your real name, right?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> That’s right, it’s just a fake name.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> So when someone says, “Hey King James,” you don’t turn your head?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Sure I turn my head.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> But I thought you said it wasn’t your name.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> I said it’s a fake name.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> A pretend name that you answer to?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Yes. A nickname.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Fascinating.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Indeed.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Now, our readers are really anxious to know the truth: are you actually a King?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> No, it’s just part of my nickname.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Which isn’t your real name.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Yes, you got it.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> So you’re like the King Crab.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> What do you mean?<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Well, king crabs aren’t kings but we call them kings anyway. King Crab, you know those big crabs that we eat at Chinese restaurant buffets?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> I suppose you could look at it that way.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Great. I feel like we’re covering a lot of important points.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> This is a fantastic interview, Minge.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Ok, next question: What would you do if you were the king of USA?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> The United States doesn’t have a king.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Whatever, just pretend that you were the king of USA. What would you do?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> I honestly don’t know how to answer that question.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Well would you own any slaves?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> I don’t really agree with the concept of slavery so, no.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Why not?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> It’s a pretty complicated issue that I won’t get into, thanks.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Fair enough. Here’s one that I’ve always wondered about: do you own a crown?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but, I thought we agreed to talk about the Beijing Olympics and the “Redeem Team?”<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Oh, I’m sorry. Hahaha, I guess I’ve spent too much time with the warm-up questions. The rest of the interview will be about basketball.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Great, go ahead. Just wanted to make sure we were on track.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Here we go: do you own a fancy stable?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> No, I hate animals. Can I ask you a question?<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> No. You’re the one being interviewed so you can be quiet and wait for the next question.<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> But –<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Would you ever cut a baby in half?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> What?!<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> King Solomon didn’t, but would you?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Listen Minji, you’re a very nice woman and I like your questions, but unless you talk about the “Redeem Team,” I have no interest in continuing.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Oh but I only had one more question left!<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> Fine. One more. Only if it’s basketball related.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> It is: Because you’re a king, do you own a really nice basketball court?<br /><strong>LeBron:</strong> First of all, I’m not a king. Second, yes, I own a basketball court. It’s on the roof of my mansion in Orlando.<br /><strong>Minge: </strong>Great. Thanks for doing this interview. I had a great time… not really.<br /><strong>LeBron: </strong>It was a pleasure.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Good luck and I hope you redeem yourself at the Olympics.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">In the spirit of defiance, the above photo was hastily stolen from The <a href="http://clevelandsports.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/lebron-james.jpg">Cleveland Sports Authority</a>.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-41050429520420961412008-08-10T05:48:00.001-04:002008-08-10T05:49:56.614-04:00On VacationThe Linesman has been temporarily closed. It will open back up in about a week. Expect a post on Monday, August 18th.The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-78499893693590376762008-07-22T01:35:00.003-04:002008-12-10T01:00:23.824-05:00Mats Sundin Interview<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1P8rcgizY_cH10MgZJXw6jSTvAkQXG1zt69a7ng7LS1Q2RNl9A42SiuUl9NqrmudZN7fccRKM44buu-WZqEaPVDAmlX_00G4QfejQMWikLftyymhI0r34c0tn54MgfUjfxrmJo7iw9QYH/s1600-h/mats-sundin.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5225713844905877986" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1P8rcgizY_cH10MgZJXw6jSTvAkQXG1zt69a7ng7LS1Q2RNl9A42SiuUl9NqrmudZN7fccRKM44buu-WZqEaPVDAmlX_00G4QfejQMWikLftyymhI0r34c0tn54MgfUjfxrmJo7iw9QYH/s320/mats-sundin.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>So we were scheduled to interview Mats Sundin on July 6th but, of course, he never showed up. He emailed us an excuse only three days ago. Apparently he's been busy "<a href="http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=243977&lid=sublink02&lpos=headlines_main">thinking</a>" about his future. Then he finally did show up - on a day that he wasn't scheduled. We had to squeeze him in between Ray Emery and Tyson the Skateboarding Dog. We hope you appreciate all the effort that went into making this happen.<br /><br /><strong>Soo Min-ji:</strong> Nice to meet you Mats, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.</div><div><strong>Mats: </strong>Hello, Minge.</div><div><strong>Minge:</strong> Hi Mats. So tell me, what do you do for a living?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> [<em>stares</em>]<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Hello? Mats Sundin?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> [<em>stares</em>]<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> ... Labia majora?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> Shhh – give me some time to answer the question.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Sure, go ahead. You have until the end of August to respond.<br /><br /><em>50 minutes later</em><br /><br /><strong>Mats:</strong> I’m sorry, what did you ask?<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> I believe I asked you for permission to go down on you.<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> Damnit, why did I get married?<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Funny, A-rod is asking himself the same question these days. Anyways, so tell me, why did you ever settle down?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> I remember putting a lot of thought into the decision but I don't remember what my reasoning was any more.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> So you thought about it long?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> And hard, yes.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> What do you actually do when you think?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> It's hard to explain. First of all, I don't talk to anyone. I just sit on my porch with my mouth shut. I pet the cat. I might play some ABBA in the background to keep myself focused but I often get distracted anyways.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> What do you eat while you think about your future?<br /><strong>Mats:</strong> Almonds and rice. If I'm extra hungry I'll steal some of the cat's food.<br /><strong>Minge:</strong> Why haven't you decided your future yet?</div><div><strong>Mats:</strong> I've been fishing, you know. And thinking. It takes a lot of time.</div><div><strong>Minge:</strong> What kind of fish have you caught recently?</div><div><strong>Mats:</strong> [<em>stares</em>]</div><div><strong>Minge:</strong> Are you thinking about your answer?</div><div><strong>Mats:</strong> Yes, please, I need a more time.</div><div><strong>Minge: </strong>No problem. This isn't awkward at all.</div><div></div><br /><div><em>2 hours later</em></div><br /><div></div><div><strong>Mats:</strong> I'm sorry, what was the question again?</div><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>Photo stolen from </em></span><a href="http://jthockey.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/mats-sundin.jpg"><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>JT Hockey</em></span></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>. Yeah.</em></span></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-21638929016816436052008-07-18T04:32:00.004-04:002008-12-10T01:00:24.007-05:00Coming Soon: New Liz Oak Book<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm1BrCt0EkkQt6lKwngBnndObyLKZBcuwru9osUlkI5_b70sfAuKRBeLQ029zNNLUNO9ihUcKgIHyp2xclICiDzOoDvA7gKCEDMF59xIrSGJJdVLJHCRBjTwcjxQdc6fuVlmkOlzjmy1Uq/s1600-h/hockey.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5224274430212301986" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm1BrCt0EkkQt6lKwngBnndObyLKZBcuwru9osUlkI5_b70sfAuKRBeLQ029zNNLUNO9ihUcKgIHyp2xclICiDzOoDvA7gKCEDMF59xIrSGJJdVLJHCRBjTwcjxQdc6fuVlmkOlzjmy1Uq/s320/hockey.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><br /><div>Our editior-in-chief, Liz Oak, is nearly finished writing a book on parenting. In fact, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Dobson">James Dobson</a> commissioned her to right the Canadian edition of his famous book, <em><a href="http://www2.focusonthefamily.com/docstudy/bookshelf/a000000388.cfm">Bringing Up Boys </a></em>(because Canadian culture and American culture are so different from each other). Ms. Oak has stated that this will be a parenting book that "Canadians will finally be able to understand." In order to promote the book we have published an exclusive excerpt. Look out for Liz's book next month in all fine book stores like Wal-Mart and 7-11.</div><div></div><br /><div align="center">...</div><div></div><br /><div><em>Bringing up Boys</em><em>: Canadian Edition</em><br /><br />Greetings to all the men and women who have had sexual intercourse with each other. You probably bought this book because you have a new baby boy. I’m going to warn you: the sex you had to conceive the child is not as good as the experience of raising the child. You should have used a condom. It’s too late for an abortion now, but there’s always the option of leaving your child in a <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2008/07/15/baby-found.html">dumpster in Quebec</a>.<br /><br />Still have the kid? Hooray for you. Now comes the important stuff. First, enroll your son in hockey. The second thing you should do is beat your child. Now don’t be stupid about how you beat your son because it’s easy to get carried away. As a rule of thumb, don’t leave any bruises. The purpose is to show the baby what violence is. I recommend that you give this lesson as soon as you know your boy is able to remember.<br /><br />Next, teach your son about Don Cherry. Show tapes of <a href="http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/dvd/Don-Cherrys-Rock-em-Sock-Don-Cherry/056327172890-item.html?pticket=hb53qnzjk23wykr5licjp5bg3Oc9GSFwbcfZHRHncx7AsVpdIEs%3d"><em>Rock’em Sock'em</em> </a>in the place of <em>Finding Nemo</em>, <em>Bambi</em>, and other gay movies. Instead of listening to music in the car, listen to audio recordings of <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hnic/coach.html">Coach’s Corner</a>. Buy Don Cherry's dog. Do Don Cherry impressions in front of your child. I do discourage you, however, to instruct your child to dress like Don Cherry. A child can easily be swayed to the dark side of homosexuality if he mimics that certain style of dress at such an early age.<br /><br />If you have completed all of these steps, congratulations. Your son is officially not a fag nor a pussy. He is a 2-year old man.<br /><br />You’re not finished yet, however. There’s still a long way to go. With violence fresh in his mind, torment your son. Call him a fag and a pussy (even though he isn’t one). If your son cries, increase the severity of the insults. Do this until he reacts violently towards you. Don’t fight back. Take the physical abuse and persist in instigating him. The object of this exercise is to teach your child how instigation works and how to properly deal with it. You have done well if your son retaliates and injures you. Celebrate with a beer and get your little boy drunk.<br /><br />Are you teaching your son hockey skills? It’s good if you are, but not too important. The main thing is to get the message of violence across. When you address your son, don't say: "Hey little buddy, wanna go to the zoo today?" Instead, you have to say: "Hey faggot, wanna go to the zoo? Oh wait, I know, you don't want to because you're a pussy." This kind of language will help your son turn into a respectable, fearless hockey man. It is important that you instruct your son to talk to his friends like this all the time.<br /><br />When you watch him play hockey at games go "full out." You're not being a good parent unless you yell as loud as you can at his hockey games. Ridicule him if he doesn't produce results and ridicule his teammates even more harshly. Don't be shy to scream obscenities. In fact, if you don't say things like "play better you fucking faggot" or "I'm gonna beat your fucking ass at home if you don't score," you're not trying hard enough. In order to ensure that your son grows up to be the best hockey player he can be you need to go into every little-league hockey game with a clear head of rage.<br /><br />Our Canadian culture is currently at war with hockey and our youngest, most vulnerable hockey players like your son can be most affected. Irrational messages that promote the removal of fighting from hockey are being spewed out from media sources like vomit. Don't be fooled by this progressive rhetoric, it's far too logical to make any sense to you. Just keep fighting and don't ever turn into a fag. If someone ever tells your son not to fight in a hockey game, punch them in the face and call them a pussy. In fact, this should be your response to every criticism you encounter.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">After beating them in a fight, <a href="http://blogs.jobdig.com/wwds/files/2007/07/hockey.jpg">Job Dig </a>gave us the right to use the photo above.</span></em></div></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-85987993373162995352008-07-14T01:50:00.007-04:002008-12-10T01:00:24.133-05:00Burke and Lowe Strike Back<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpipsWYw4CF9bAt6wXUjNKGsyan9PXsjS6P_tRcnmKBZhYJJ8kVzepB9UmHQmL_5aIl06MZ5stw6eekpBaC_2-UQS0xiZS5VjdLCXHowoyGtjvnethN8rquI0VdMrcgLWqCCa2Uw_9LENO/s1600-h/burke.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5222746449322728386" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpipsWYw4CF9bAt6wXUjNKGsyan9PXsjS6P_tRcnmKBZhYJJ8kVzepB9UmHQmL_5aIl06MZ5stw6eekpBaC_2-UQS0xiZS5VjdLCXHowoyGtjvnethN8rquI0VdMrcgLWqCCa2Uw_9LENO/s320/burke.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>NEW YORK – Not even 24 hours after Gary Bettman <a href="http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=242742&lid=headline&lpos=secStory_nhl#">requested</a> that Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe end their <a href="http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=242347">very public feud</a>, Bettman received a message in return.<br /><br />"There’s plenty of good news. He’s finally in stable condition and, because of several blows to the head, Mr. Bettman might be mentally retarded now." said Dr. Leo Spacemen, certified spinal surgeon,<br /><br />"Or dead. I’m not actually too sure," he finished.<br /><br />Suffering the similar fate of many <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_luther_king">other</a> influential messengers of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_lennon">peace</a>, Bettman was brutally assaulted yesterday by Lowe and Burke. They had some choice words to justify their vicious hate crime.<br /><br />"This is our right to exercise freedom of speech," said Brian Burke, wiping fresh blood off his wrist.<br /><br />"Did you know, Snoop Dogg likes the Anaheim Ducks," he added convincingly.<br /><br />"Hey Gary, if you wanna tell me I can’t do something, you gotta come over to my house and tell me with your fists, motherfucker," said Kevin Lowe, while cradling his 6 Stanley Cup rings.<br /><br />"I have more Stanley Cup rings than you," Burke snapped.<br /><br />"Whatever. I have Dustin Penner," said Lowe.<br /><br />"Hey Kevin, you’re so 'low' that you’d give me a five-year, $21.25 million offer sheet for my unrestricted 60 year-old ass," said Burke.<br /><br />"<a href="http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=242532">Where do I start?</a> First of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, you’re a moron. Thirdly, you’re a moron," Kevin said, moronically.<br /><br />After exchanging a few more insults the two men quickly changed into hockey attire and then traveled to Madison Square Garden to settle the argument physically. According to Isiah Thomas, who happened to witness the fight because he was looking for chicks at the time, reported that neither man had decisively won yet.<br /><br />The Linesman sincerely hopes that Bettman gets well soon. We do, however, also endorse the continued physical assault of peace-activists, like John McCain. Hopefully Burke and Lowe have a good, injury-riddled fight. They are our beloved saints of hockey's fighting spirit.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">In exchange for dinner, </span></em><a href="http://media.canada.com/8975269b-0529-4353-a446-596d133824d2/sun0430s-duxpractice1.jpg"><em><span style="font-size:78%;">Duck Wire</span></em></a><em><span style="font-size:78%;"> gave us the rights to the photo above.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-72771354361406824792008-07-10T03:54:00.002-04:002008-12-10T01:00:24.314-05:00Manchester United's Ronaldo Sent to NHL<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSnnybMODgyRIIB1652yWbdM1ehyphenhyphenl6VeWEHJCddzEXDqkGnfuh0bACupYVbakkZoIlk2-51QocY_kB7gaGmddHRFDpEOlIe3GsnF_DvplHORlgcVEmxIfEvoGmp-dVyErRSn510wLXACY/s1600-h/ronald.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5221672574711344802" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSnnybMODgyRIIB1652yWbdM1ehyphenhyphenl6VeWEHJCddzEXDqkGnfuh0bACupYVbakkZoIlk2-51QocY_kB7gaGmddHRFDpEOlIe3GsnF_DvplHORlgcVEmxIfEvoGmp-dVyErRSn510wLXACY/s320/ronald.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>The Christiano Ronaldo trade rumours have finally come to an end. The immensely good-looking Manchester United soccer star, who co-incidentally can kick a ball around "pretty good," has finally found a home with the Florida Panthers of the NHL.</div><div></div><br /><div>"We were looking to raise the standard of beauty in the NHL, and I think this is the best direction the league could have taken," said a smiling Gary Bettman.</div><div></div><br /><div>"The NFL has Tom Brady. The MLB has Derek Jeter. The NBA has Richard Hamilton. All these three leagues are also more financially successful than ours. Good-lookingness is definitely the reason."</div><div></div><br /><div>"Sidney Crosby might be the ambassador of hockey, but Ronaldo is our ambassador of good, old fashioned hockey looks," Bettman finished.</div><div></div><br /><div>David Beckham, who is another attractive soccer star imported from Europe, was unavailable for comment.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Mr. Beckham is currently on display in a glass case at the L.A. Galaxy stadium so he can't speak for himself at the moment. I'm sure he's delighted that another soccer player is coming to North America from Europe, however," said Beckham's agent, Victoria Beckham.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Go away," she added.</div><div></div><br /><div>The Florida Panthers, also known as "the shittiest franchise in the NHL," showed enthusiasm over the trade.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Hopefully Ronaldo is beautiful enough to draw a crowd bigger than 50 people. He's saying that his skating and puck handling skills are better than ever so we're confident that he's ready to make an impact on our otherwise crappy roster," said Panthers GM Jacques Martin, who was drinking a double gin and tonic.</div><div></div><br /><div>Ronaldo was unavailable for comment because he doesn't speak English.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">We don't know where that photo came from. Sorry. If you own it, then suck it.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-90142103618374458892008-07-09T08:11:00.008-04:002008-12-10T01:00:24.418-05:00A-Rod Personal Ad<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjblfhdvaEr2GMldHE83mugJ3-mDz5NpscKEdCwqM2omQCsTadO_hiWJwFWDnYLZI_SFQjXNhHbdx8C4Kbq2ofKEoWhg-Axrln_H9UvHCYvvLlpphVFA1pAi0HtXtEtL9EI5c0HAicoOcsA/s1600-h/arod.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5221000184313913650" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjblfhdvaEr2GMldHE83mugJ3-mDz5NpscKEdCwqM2omQCsTadO_hiWJwFWDnYLZI_SFQjXNhHbdx8C4Kbq2ofKEoWhg-Axrln_H9UvHCYvvLlpphVFA1pAi0HtXtEtL9EI5c0HAicoOcsA/s320/arod.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Alex Rodriguez is now<a href="http://www.thestar.com/article/455527"> single</a> and looking. Assuming that Cynthia Rodriguez hasn't drained him of all his wealth, this bachelor is loaded.</div><div></div><br /><div>And since <em>The Linesman</em> is the most widely read sports publication on the Internet Alex chose to run a personal ad on our very own site. If you have big breasts, a pretty face and a fancy vagina, you might want to consider this opportunity. It doesn't get better than this.</div><div></div><br /><div align="center">...</div><div></div><br /><div>Attractive, mildly hispanic male, 6'3", 225 pounds. Enjoys having sex with multiple women, preferably strippers, simultaneously. Enjoys doing drugs, mainly the performance-enhancing variety as opposed to the aura-inducing kind.Very focused, likes working hard and ignoring family. Travels 24/7 for nearly 9 months of the year. Spends most time with co-workers and business associates. Enjoys being constantly away from home. Hobbies include collecting booty-call contacts.</div><div></div><br /><div>Seeks a beautiful, smart, motherly woman for marriage. Preferably someone who has low intelligence but high sex appeal. Romantic, dedicated, loving and un-complicated females are most desirable. Women considering this must be willing to give birth to several children and baby-sit them constantly, forever. You must be ready to accept full responsibility over the babies but still respect and address me as "the world's greatest Dad." Be ready to show 100% commitment to me and the god-blessed family. Virgins between the ages of 21 and 23 only. 50 year-old pop stars are exempt, however, and are encouraged to also call. Please dial 415-555-3482.</div><div></div><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><em></em></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>The picture above was hastily stolen from our mortal enemies at <a href="http://www.thestar.com/article/455994">The Toronto Star</a>.</em></span></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-62647229233569242522008-07-03T19:52:00.004-04:002008-07-04T06:01:09.556-04:00Stanley Cup Lost In Newfoundland<a href="http://www.gazette.uwo.ca/2004/April/07/Pics/12A%20Stanley%20Cup.jpg"><img style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 172px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 358px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" height="429" alt="" src="http://www.gazette.uwo.ca/2004/April/07/Pics/12A%20Stanley%20Cup.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Message from Gary Bettman and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harbour_Grace">Harbour Grace</a>'s (only) volunteer police officer:</div><div></div><br /><div><strong>Thursday, June 2, 2008 -</strong> After touring Janeway's Children's Hospital with the Stanley Cup, Detroit Red Wings winger Dan Cleary brought the Cup to his childhood home of Harbour Grace. According to hazy eye-witness reports, the Cup was last seen at Smith's Pub.</div><div></div><br /><div>It has not been seen since.</div><div></div><br /><div>Please call 728-555-7638 if you have any details. At the moment police are not accepting calls from people who were at the party. If you were at Dan's Stanley Cup celebration you were probably insanely drunk, in which case, your memory provides us with very little help.</div><div></div><br /><div>This is a very serious matter. There will be no hockey season next year if it is not found. The NHL has already collectively decided that the Cup, if found, will never return to Newfoundland.</div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-77242272463880200302008-06-30T22:30:00.008-04:002008-12-10T01:00:24.579-05:00Nicklas Lidstrom Interview<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlVCkD7hx83XRY6HMs70G3FiEuL00czgkIcbvsRaQX_mn1wj8Bts9Tzb3ZlPtjT5j7gH4E27tTb0YAKfp_YfxjZieQd3jBjdodjhwrPOZy7-v86Lvy5eNGEvnCTN9tM7foWSQrO16brEnm/s1600-h/lids.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5217907750341611858" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlVCkD7hx83XRY6HMs70G3FiEuL00czgkIcbvsRaQX_mn1wj8Bts9Tzb3ZlPtjT5j7gH4E27tTb0YAKfp_YfxjZieQd3jBjdodjhwrPOZy7-v86Lvy5eNGEvnCTN9tM7foWSQrO16brEnm/s320/lids.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br />We were very lucky and thankful to have Nicklas Lidstrom pop by our police-infested offices in downtown Toronto yesterday. Soo Min-ji conducted the interview, as always. Nicklas tells us everything about working out, being a dad, sex, and more! Check it out!<br /><br /><div><strong>Soo Min-ji: </strong>Nice to meet you Nicklas, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.<br /><strong>Nicklas Lidstrom: </strong>Hello, Minge.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Hi Nicklas. So tell me, what do you do for a living?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>I am the captain of the Detroit Red Wings.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Wait, did you just win the Stanley Cup?</div><div><strong>NL:</strong> Yes we were the 2008 Champs.</div><div><strong>M:</strong> How did it feel to win it?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>Lucky.<br /><strong>M:</strong> Lucky?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>Well, you know what they say: a European captain can <a href="http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/?p=72">never win </a>a Stanley Cup. Naturally, <a href="http://www.hockeybuzz.com/boards/thread.php?thread_id=41506&page=14">the odds</a> were against me.<br /><strong>M:</strong> Duh, you're a dirty European! Everyone knows your people are bad NHL team captains. How hard did you have to work to beat the odds?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>Extremely hard. I’m not actually a very good hockey player because of my Swedish heritage. To add to that, because I didn’t grow up in North America, the Stanley Cup doesn’t mean much to me. All I care about is money, more money, swordfish, and Sweden. Most Canadian kids idolize the Stanley Cup but I just want to <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jiz">jiz</a> on it.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Oh my god, so you actually overcame your hereditary lack of motivation?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>I'm just as surprised.</div><div><strong>M: </strong>And it was so hard to win because you're Swedish?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>Yep, my nationality sucks. During the playoffs I experienced all of these temptations to choke and feel apathetic over the whole tournament. It was really tough to ignore the temptations because they’re so deeply rooted in my viking genes.<br /><strong>M: </strong>I appreciate your honesty. I always knew Europeans were terrible hockey players, mainly because of what Don Cherry said, but now I can say I heard the truth straight from the horse’s mouth. I can't wait until Don Cherry hears about this interview.<br /><strong>NL: </strong>I've got some more personal messages to back-up Don. Everyone should hate Europeans and be suspicious of us, especially if we’re team captains. Listen to this: one day during the playoffs, the night after our first loss to Pittsburgh in Game 3, I forgot how to speak English. I couldn’t demonstrate good leadership in the locker room because I couldn’t communicate. A coach can’t trust a European to be a team captain because we’re very bad leaders.<br /><strong>M: </strong>I’m surprised the Red Wings didn’t demote you during the Stanley Cup finals.<br /><strong>NL: </strong>I'm lucky to be alive.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Did you even take the Stanley Cup Home?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>I was obligated to make it look like I cared so, yes, I took it home to Sweden. I had to drag it along on a family camping trip. We cooked meatballs in it.</div><div><strong>M: </strong>Does it hold a lot of balls?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>Not as many as you think. Real Swedish meatballs aren't that small, actually.</div><div><strong>M: </strong>How many balls can you eat?</div><div><strong>NL:</strong> In a single sitting, um, a lot. More than anyone I know.</div><div><strong>M:</strong> For kicks, do you ever call your meatballs "Red Balls?"</div><div><strong>NL:</strong> Hey, what happened to the hockey questions?</div><div><strong>M:</strong> Right. Um, are you ever jealous of Canadian-born hockey players?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>All the time, yes.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Why?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>It's like how women are jealous of men because men are better. <a href="http://thelinesman.blogspot.com/2007/08/scientists-discover-losing-gene-in.html">Scientists have shown </a>that Europeans carry a hereditary gene, perhaps a “disorder,” if you will, that physically and mentally handicaps us from winning Stanley Cups.<br /><strong>M: </strong>How do you cope with this gene?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>Since Sweden is so secular I masturbate religiously. That's how I deal with everything.</div><div><strong>M: </strong>Other than sucking at hockey and being an incompetent leader, are there any other ill health effects caused by this Euro-gene?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>The Euro-gene increases my chances of developing a variety of different diseases such as the Cooties, Rubella and the Plague. Would you like some meatballs?</div><div><strong>M: </strong>Not now, thanks. Do North American players sympathize with you?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>No but there are a lot of Canadian supremacists that laugh at us. They have every right to, though, because we’re pussies.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Do you think that more European captains might win the Stanley Cup in the future?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>Absolutely not. I am 100% sure that another European will never win the Stanley cup. Remember what I said in the beginning of the interview? I was lucky to win it at all.<br /><strong>M: </strong>But can't another Swede follow your example and overcome the European disability like you did?<br /><strong>NL: </strong>No. I'm an exception to the rule for three reasons: science, Don Cherry said so, and I'm the perfect human.<br /><strong>M: </strong>Before we end this interview, I have two final burning questions.<br /><strong>NL: </strong>Sure go ahead.</div><div><strong>M: </strong>First, Why do you people wear speedos?</div><div><strong>NL: </strong>Because we have very large penises and we're not afraid to show it.</div><div><strong>M:</strong> And second, can I take you up on those meatballs?</div><div><strong>NL:</strong> Sure, but they're European though so you might not like them.</div><div><strong>M:</strong> That's ok, I'm a woman. I understand.</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">Photo above is proudly stolen from our best friends, <a href="http://www.jamd.com/search?assettype=g&assetid=2099014&text=nicklas+lidstrom">JAMD</a>.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-73766800886089154662008-06-26T21:18:00.005-04:002008-12-10T01:00:25.108-05:00Reign of Terror Grips Maricopa County<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6IwGU6MXDYiZaxM5yP0kw8U7V_wpeSheFUkWGll_M0CAF6zAz4DqKzV_pl9FNPpHzXbYFORcpaToDD8ipuqGph8YIlgkg2LFFmTl_oIqXETVlF86oGElaiz0A-EFYrE2FM9_7mb79q-pj/s1600-h/shaq.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5216449146069842962" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6IwGU6MXDYiZaxM5yP0kw8U7V_wpeSheFUkWGll_M0CAF6zAz4DqKzV_pl9FNPpHzXbYFORcpaToDD8ipuqGph8YIlgkg2LFFmTl_oIqXETVlF86oGElaiz0A-EFYrE2FM9_7mb79q-pj/s320/shaq.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Less than a day after Shaquille O’Neal was fired from his Special Deputy position at Maricopa County a "reign of terror" enveloped much of the area. Pheonix, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradise_Valley,_Arizona">Paradise Valley</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buckeye,_Arizona">Buckeye</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carefree,_Arizona">Carefree</a>, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goodyear,_Arizona">Goodyear</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surprise,_Arizona">Surprise</a> were the towns and cities hardest hit by this devastating flood of lawlessness.</div><br /><div></div><div>"Now that Shaquille O'Neal isn't around to protect and serve our society, everything is falling apart," said retiree Evans Williams.</div><br /><div></div><div>O'Neal was stripped of his deputy sherrif badge after America's Toughest Sherrif, <a href="http://www.mcso.org/">Joe Arpaio</a>, saw a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCMuAIqcD4w">recording</a> of the basketball star rapping.</div><br /><div></div><div>"I hate rap music. I have no tolerance for that garbage. I only accept people who like classical music, opera, Frank Sinatra hits, obscenity-free patriotic music or educational songs," Arpaio said while cocking a gun.</div><br /><div></div><div>"Rap music is directly related to crime, so it's evil. And it's also very fun. That's something none of my associates are allowed to experience," he finished, afterwhich he resumed beating a paraplegic inmate.</div><br /><div></div><div>Meanwhile in Pheonix, law-abiding citizens gathered to protest Shaq's termination. If the violence doesn't end soon Arpaio will be forced to re-hire the foul-mouthed Sherrif Shaq.</div><br /><div></div><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">The picture above was stolen from the extremely evil and socialist organization, The<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/story/2008/06/25/shaq-sherriff.html"> Canadian Broadcasting Corporation</a>.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-13237063900678145642008-06-24T00:55:00.003-04:002008-12-10T01:00:25.266-05:00Report: NHL Denies Affiliation With "Love Guru"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeIm-I6j2uR0VGwdQ_PG-lZFUEAufxOIxt9LO3mJNCFPy2xjJHXv_ULmSW0zMNaG8fAJQWo3SbMlPEulKpsShhB6GcMu83XOiNhmFP3NXqOYYvaD4oRBc_Iz6oUTpUjSA9j8ZZJcD7Ybf3/s1600-h/loveguruco6.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5215344008847980514" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeIm-I6j2uR0VGwdQ_PG-lZFUEAufxOIxt9LO3mJNCFPy2xjJHXv_ULmSW0zMNaG8fAJQWo3SbMlPEulKpsShhB6GcMu83XOiNhmFP3NXqOYYvaD4oRBc_Iz6oUTpUjSA9j8ZZJcD7Ybf3/s320/loveguruco6.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>The plot of comedian Mike Myers' newest comedy, <em><a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/love_guru/">The Love Guru</a></em>, apparently revolves around the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL. In fact, in the months preceding the release of the film, the NHL <a href="http://www.nhl.com/nhl/app?articleid=360399&page=NewsPage&service=page">proudly boasted</a> how it "provided Myers and Paramount Pictures unprecedented access and rights."</div><div></div><br /><div>Since then, however, the NHL has changed its tune.</div><div></div><br /><div>"<em>The Love Guru</em>? I don't know what you're talking about," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.</div><div></div><br /><div>"Get out of my face," he added, while kicking our reporter in the balls.</div><div></div><br /><div>It is <a href="http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/love_guru/">complete mystery </a>as to why the NHL has denied its affiliation with <em>The Love Guru</em>. The NHL, after all, is North America's poorest professional sports league. This is a publicity opportunity that the Arena Football League can only dream of.</div><div></div><br /><div>"There are always movies being made about football and baseball - even basketball - but this is one of the only hockey movies I can think of. It's unfortunate that the NHL isn't letting <em>The Love Guru</em> do what <em>Space Jam</em> did for the NBA," said Toronto Star movie critic Peter Howell.</div><div></div><br /><div>In the mean time, <em>The Love Guru</em> has completely dropped out of the box office top ten. It has only been 3 days since being released. Go see it soon before you miss the opportunity!</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">The picture above is a reproduction of an official movie poster. With the <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/arts/music/story/2007/11/19/copyright-law.html">new Canadian copyright law </a>in place, we truly are risking our livelihood in the name of quality journalism.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-80170853250812693582008-06-19T04:45:00.005-04:002008-12-10T01:00:25.473-05:00The Linesman Discovers Deadlines<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCHDF5xNCmBKoVoxubaTSwbbFitP4pJXx_xiC4-S7jIxqQbpe5qKFh24lICuoHz3fr4ULBWBjgXtgebzaMMprYtpC3gd7JnDeZQapOtarnuFHvQbICmSJMqzLEhdf9D78Vnd_LpNJPNEZY/s1600-h/stretch.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213769357116727122" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCHDF5xNCmBKoVoxubaTSwbbFitP4pJXx_xiC4-S7jIxqQbpe5qKFh24lICuoHz3fr4ULBWBjgXtgebzaMMprYtpC3gd7JnDeZQapOtarnuFHvQbICmSJMqzLEhdf9D78Vnd_LpNJPNEZY/s320/stretch.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Dear Legions of Fans,<br /><br />Despite what you might think, <em>The Linesman</em> is still in business. Our operations have merely been retarded during the past few weeks due to an on-going police investigation at our offices. We sincerely apologize. The Toronto Police Force suspects that our prestigious organization was involved in the gun violence that recently ravaged Toronto. Yes, we too had the same reaction: rubbish!<br /><br />It seems like the cops won't leave us alone until they <strike>plant the evidence</strike> find the bodies. That will obviously never happen (because no one at <em>The Linesman</em> is a criminal) so you should expect delays to become as frequent as teenage pregnancy.<br /><br />There is some good news, however. While I was fake-praying in the shower yesterday I managed to convince God to give me some ideas about how to handle the situation. Guess what, He answered me! I will impose deadlines on my writing staff. I'm reluctant to change my current write-shit-to-avoid-execution system, but I suppose change is necessary sometimes.</div><div></div><br /><div><em>The Linesman</em> <strong>will</strong> be updated sometime every Monday and Thursday. If my incompetent writing staff publishes something in between, consider yourself lucky.</div><div></div><br /><div>hugs and fellatio,</div><div>Liz Oak, editor-in-chief</div><div></div><br /><div><em><span style="font-size:78%;">We have absolutely no reason (or right) to display the picture <a href="http://www.rice.edu/~jenky/sports/stretching.html">above</a>.</span></em></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-938711259699995772008-06-16T04:13:00.008-04:002008-12-10T01:00:25.653-05:00NHL Awards 2008<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh70m6nNRtfmAhT7Fy2ZVLvkZQh-Aay-K4KibyWvgODIUNM4XIbAjxNfsZ_6VZ33UEI47FY2QVvleSXx6hikWbw2zWjgJc8RSvNJXdebyJwZ-E-y9npBauZ00-R_6PYLHP1srJuNS2ufCLM/s1600-h/hockey1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5213857803387650258" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh70m6nNRtfmAhT7Fy2ZVLvkZQh-Aay-K4KibyWvgODIUNM4XIbAjxNfsZ_6VZ33UEI47FY2QVvleSXx6hikWbw2zWjgJc8RSvNJXdebyJwZ-E-y9npBauZ00-R_6PYLHP1srJuNS2ufCLM/s320/hockey1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><p>The results from the 2008 NHL Awards are in. Congratulations to all the winners!<br /><br /><strong>The Gangsta Trophy</strong> - <em>Ray Emery</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the player who exhibits the most "street cred."</span><br /><br /><strong>The Shrek Trophy</strong> - <em>Alexander Ovechkin</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the least physically attractive, yet jolly, player in the league.</span><br /><br /><strong>The Don Cherry Trophy</strong> - <em>Niklas Lidstrom<br /></em><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the worst (most European) player in the league.</span><br /><br /><strong>The ER Trophy</strong> - <em>Chris Simon<br /></em><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the player who purposely causes the most life-threatening injuries during the season.</span><br /><br /><strong>The Barrack Obama Plaque</strong> - <em>Jarome Iginla</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the best player of mixed race.</span><br /><br /><strong>The Fountain of Youth Trophy</strong> - <em>Dominik Hasek</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the player who exemplifies the greatest need to retire immediately.<br /></span><br /><strong>Best Actor Trophy</strong> - <a href="http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=S7iJEmXvLr4"><em>Ryan Miller</em></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the player with the best performance in the leading role of a sports commercial.</span><br /><br /><strong>The Commander In Chief Trophy</strong> - <em>Gary Bettman</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the best commissioner of the NHL during the 07-08 season.</span><br /><br /><strong>The Iron Chef Trophy</strong> - <em>John Tortorella</em><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">Awarded to the coach who can cook the best spaghetti and meatballs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>Photo sponsor: Do you suffer from low self-esteem, or are you hopelessly vain? If so, reward yourself with your very own trophy from </em></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.leesproshop.com/trophy.asp"><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>Lee's Pro Shop</em></span></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>. "Making statues of people, making people happy."</em></span></p>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-47368161293138917472008-06-03T19:54:00.004-04:002008-07-01T01:20:40.949-04:00Pro-Stars TV Show Gets Re-make<center><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/px5njG8ikvo&hl=" width="425" height="355" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent"></embed></center><br /><br /><em><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_Stars">Pro-Stars</a></em>, the critically acclaimed children's cartoon from the early 90's, will officially be re-made this year. In order to catch up with the times the updated version of the show will be fully animated in CGI. It will also feature a fresh theme song written and performed by <em>My Chemical Romance</em> called "We Kick Butt, Yeah!"<br /><br />The new <em>Pro-Stars</em>, apparently to to be re-named <em>Pro-Stars 2000</em>, will air on Saturday afternoons on Nickelodeon. To the disappointment of all children with low self-esteem, Disney's <em>Keeners Beat Up The Cool Kids</em> will be cancelled to make room for <em>Pro-Stars 2000</em>.<br /><br />"This isn't a lame attempt to get more money," said TV studio executive Jack Donaghy.<br /><br />"This is a decision to show kids that athletes can be good role models. Professional athletes aren't <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,330530,00.html">drug-taking</a>, <a href="http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/law/12/10/vick.sentenced/index.html">dog-fighting</a>, <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/sports/indepth/bertuzzi/">neck-breaking </a>or <a href="http://sports.rightpundits.com/?p=304">nude picture-taking </a>cry babies. That's just a stereotype, and you know, stereotypes are so false," Donaghy finished.<br /><br />Sidney Crosby, Kobe Bryant and Jose Canseco will be the three stars of the show. Staying true to the original format of the 90's version, the new <em>Pro-Stars</em> will begin each episode with a an incredible morality lesson.<br /><br />"I feel my television-commercial career has prepared me well for this project. Not to mention I'm perfect, so of course, my face exemplifies good Christian values," said Sidney Crosby.<br /><br />The new show proposal is not without controversy, however. Critics have bashed the studio's decision to cast Jose Canseco among Crosby and Bryant, two superemely noble athletes who single-handedly own their respective sports leagues by default.<br /><br />"Canseco is a drug and woman abuser. For God's sake, the reason he isn't playing baseball is because his steroid use got him kicked out," said Christian America Inc. president, Steven McFarlene.<br /><br />Canseco has acted quickly in response to the criticism.<br /><br />"I need more money and I'm physically attractive. Aren't those the only two requirements to be a TV actor?" he said while injecting HGH into his arm.<br /><br />Despite the fact that the original <em>Pro-Stars</em> barely lasted one season, Nickelodeon has invested millions of dollars into this project and has high hopes for success.The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8864297035598523053.post-18393237974141679512008-05-26T09:59:00.003-04:002008-12-10T01:00:25.851-05:00Magician's Alliance Accepts Michael Landsberg<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8fgcFIzFWvJo0MXAaVi5LhJgNz0_sSVvz3mVqvs1-jwUzH9sHeQCYrxFWh0GQZJf8LCH172UeNvQV_eUwNypZqv9Fx0UybtTUInZY9oYLq30LtahI-qYz-G6j7T0ueJqbIgH8yies_mJA/s1600-h/lands.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5204690225262973026" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; CURSOR: hand; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8fgcFIzFWvJo0MXAaVi5LhJgNz0_sSVvz3mVqvs1-jwUzH9sHeQCYrxFWh0GQZJf8LCH172UeNvQV_eUwNypZqv9Fx0UybtTUInZY9oYLq30LtahI-qYz-G6j7T0ueJqbIgH8yies_mJA/s320/lands.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>BREAKING NEWS - The coolest celebrity ever may be available for hire at your next corporate party: Michael Landsberg. He received his magician's licence from the so-called "Alliance of Magicians" yesterday during a red-carpet ceremony.</div><div></div><br /><div>"I'm stoked," Landsberg said, while releasing several doves in a cloud of purple smoke.</div><div></div><br /><div>"I can do card tricks as well as I can interview people," he finished and then disappeared, literally.</div><div></div><br /><div>Dubbed as "The King of Hearts," Landsberg's magic act features several card tricks and an incredible feat where he asks questions to not only sports-related people, but to normal people.</div><div></div><br /><div>"We agreed to accept him into our alliance because his interviews are magical. He incorporates cards, magic, fast talking and controversy all in one magical experience," said Randoo Wilkinson, president of the Alliance of Magicians.</div><div></div><br /><div>The Linesman will be hiring him for our annual staff Father's Day Party.</div><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><em>As per agreement, Landsberg gave us the rights to show the<a href="http://www.communitynews.ca/files/releases/Landsberg.jpg"> picture above </a>as long as we provided him with favourable publicity.</em></span></div>The Writing Staffhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08210534457642358474noreply@blogger.com0