Nicklas Lidstrom Interview

We were very lucky and thankful to have Nicklas Lidstrom pop by our police-infested offices in downtown Toronto yesterday. Soo Min-ji conducted the interview, as always. Nicklas tells us everything about working out, being a dad, sex, and more! Check it out!

Soo Min-ji: Nice to meet you Nicklas, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Nicklas Lidstrom: Hello, Minge.
M: Hi Nicklas. So tell me, what do you do for a living?
NL: I am the captain of the Detroit Red Wings.
M: Wait, did you just win the Stanley Cup?

NL: Yes we were the 2008 Champs.

M: How did it feel to win it?

NL: Lucky.
M: Lucky?
NL: Well, you know what they say: a European captain can never win a Stanley Cup. Naturally, the odds were against me.
M: Duh, you're a dirty European! Everyone knows your people are bad NHL team captains. How hard did you have to work to beat the odds?
NL: Extremely hard. I’m not actually a very good hockey player because of my Swedish heritage. To add to that, because I didn’t grow up in North America, the Stanley Cup doesn’t mean much to me. All I care about is money, more money, swordfish, and Sweden. Most Canadian kids idolize the Stanley Cup but I just want to jiz on it.
M: Oh my god, so you actually overcame your hereditary lack of motivation?
NL: I'm just as surprised.

M: And it was so hard to win because you're Swedish?

NL: Yep, my nationality sucks. During the playoffs I experienced all of these temptations to choke and feel apathetic over the whole tournament. It was really tough to ignore the temptations because they’re so deeply rooted in my viking genes.
M: I appreciate your honesty. I always knew Europeans were terrible hockey players, mainly because of what Don Cherry said, but now I can say I heard the truth straight from the horse’s mouth. I can't wait until Don Cherry hears about this interview.
NL: I've got some more personal messages to back-up Don. Everyone should hate Europeans and be suspicious of us, especially if we’re team captains. Listen to this: one day during the playoffs, the night after our first loss to Pittsburgh in Game 3, I forgot how to speak English. I couldn’t demonstrate good leadership in the locker room because I couldn’t communicate. A coach can’t trust a European to be a team captain because we’re very bad leaders.
M: I’m surprised the Red Wings didn’t demote you during the Stanley Cup finals.
NL: I'm lucky to be alive.
M: Did you even take the Stanley Cup Home?

NL: I was obligated to make it look like I cared so, yes, I took it home to Sweden. I had to drag it along on a family camping trip. We cooked meatballs in it.

M: Does it hold a lot of balls?

NL: Not as many as you think. Real Swedish meatballs aren't that small, actually.

M: How many balls can you eat?

NL: In a single sitting, um, a lot. More than anyone I know.

M: For kicks, do you ever call your meatballs "Red Balls?"

NL: Hey, what happened to the hockey questions?

M: Right. Um, are you ever jealous of Canadian-born hockey players?
NL: All the time, yes.
M: Why?
NL: It's like how women are jealous of men because men are better. Scientists have shown that Europeans carry a hereditary gene, perhaps a “disorder,” if you will, that physically and mentally handicaps us from winning Stanley Cups.
M: How do you cope with this gene?
NL: Since Sweden is so secular I masturbate religiously. That's how I deal with everything.

M: Other than sucking at hockey and being an incompetent leader, are there any other ill health effects caused by this Euro-gene?

NL: The Euro-gene increases my chances of developing a variety of different diseases such as the Cooties, Rubella and the Plague. Would you like some meatballs?

M: Not now, thanks. Do North American players sympathize with you?
NL: No but there are a lot of Canadian supremacists that laugh at us. They have every right to, though, because we’re pussies.
M: Do you think that more European captains might win the Stanley Cup in the future?
NL: Absolutely not. I am 100% sure that another European will never win the Stanley cup. Remember what I said in the beginning of the interview? I was lucky to win it at all.
M: But can't another Swede follow your example and overcome the European disability like you did?
NL: No. I'm an exception to the rule for three reasons: science, Don Cherry said so, and I'm the perfect human.
M: Before we end this interview, I have two final burning questions.
NL: Sure go ahead.

M: First, Why do you people wear speedos?

NL: Because we have very large penises and we're not afraid to show it.

M: And second, can I take you up on those meatballs?

NL: Sure, but they're European though so you might not like them.

M: That's ok, I'm a woman. I understand.

Photo above is proudly stolen from our best friends, JAMD.

Cherry: Tlusty Is A Beautiful Boy

According to Don Cherry, what does a dead Canadian soldier have in common with Jiri Tlusty?

They're both "beautiful boys."

"The last time I saw a naked man I had a stroke," Cherry said yesterday in an interview.

"But I didn't react the same way when I saw Tlusty's naked photos. I never knew there was such a beautiful boy underneath his uniform. I think I'm in love," said Cherry.

This week's Hockey Night In Canada will be more controversial than ever. Normally every Saturday night Cherry reads the names of the most recently deceased Canadian soldiers. Along with reading the names of the honourable dead he also always shows their pictures and calls them "beautiful boys" (he has called one soldier-chick a "hag" though).

This week will be extra special because Jiri Tlusty will join the Beautiful Boy Hall of Fame. Cherry will display naked pictures of Tlusty on National TV.

"You don't have to be dead in order to be beautiful. If I wasn't so old I'd show the photos with my giz all over them," said Cherry.

Cherry Quits CBC, Begins "Hockey Fight In Canada"

Don Cherry has announced his resignation from CBC's Hockey Night In Canada.

"I'm tired of hearing fags tell me that fighting in hockey is stupid," said Cherry yesterday.

"You're stupid," he added, before hopping onto his black slave Quami and trotting off.

In reaction to his resignation, thousands of die-hard Cherry fans assembled in front of the CBC headquarters in downtown Toronto. They all began fighting each other in what appeared to be a sign of protest. Witnesses said that after most of the supporters were either knocked unconscious or sent to the hospital, the more aggressive and stupider Cherry fans began beating the shit out of local pedestrians.

The police of course, clearly imitating NHL referees, just watched the brawl. Asian tourists were also heard cheering from a safe distance.

The rally slowly ended, thankfully, shortly after Cherry made a national public service announcement:

"Fuck Hockey Night In Canada. If you like my brand of hockey, then you'll watch ‘Hockey Fight In Canada.’ The league for real men. No pussies allowed."

According to Cherry, it will be a new league comprised of low-skilled players that all possess size, anger management problems, and low intelligence. Women are not allowed to watch the broadcasts, nor are females allowed to attend games.

"This will be Gladiator. Pure masculine," he added.

Darcy Tucker, Sean Avery, Steve Downie, Chris Neil and Wade Belak are the top agents that have been signed so far. It has been reported that Marty McSorley will come out of retirement to join the league as well.

The rules for the new league are still currently being written. Even though observers speculate that players will be permitted to carry weapons in addition to their hockey stick, Samurai swords will not be allowed because such weapons cannot be used by idiots.