Canseco Barred From Press Conference, Fights Minotaur

Jose Canseco, the world's sexiest athlete with the tiniest testicles, made an appearance at the official George Mitchell conference. He tried to anyways.

"Why don't you just let me in?" He yelled moments before the Mitchell report was disclosed.

"I'm a minority!" he shouted, afterwhich he began cursing in Spanish.

When organizers realized that security guards weren't enough to stop a man on steroids authorities requested backup. In response to the call Boris the minotaur from the Central Park Zoo was summoned.

"By the time Boris arrived Mr. Canseco nearly broke through our shield of large black security guards," said head security guard Sheldon Kerouac.

Witnesses described the battle between the minotaur and Canseco as "epic."

"I didn't think it was fair that Canseco was juiced," one witness said.

"He's lucky that he got away with only bruises," another witness added.

The fight ended shortly after the minotaur inserted its giant phallus into Canseco's tight anus. After multiple thrusts the two fighters shook hands and disappeared into an alley where they reportedly made love to each other for the rest of the day.

Toronto Athlete Nude Photos On Internet

YESTERDAY - Nude photos of a female professional hockey player from Europe surfaced on the internet last night. Janiri Tuluski, a member of the Toronto Trapezoids of the WNHL, is the person identified in the photos.

One photo shows Ms. Tuluski “touching tongues” with another woman. The next three photos show her standing completely naked in an empty hotel room. Her breasts and vagina are clearly visible. It has been confirmed that she has a fire crotch.

Tuluski’s General Manager, Turd Ferguson, has released an official statement on behalf of the hockey player:

“Photographs were posted recently on the internet without Janiri's knowledge or consent. Posing naked is a harmless rite of passage that every female athlete goes through during her career. I congratulate her.”

Janiri also released a personal statement: “Unfortunately the pictures were candid and I didn't make any money off them. I have learned a valuable lesson and will approach a publication like Playboy before taking naked pictures of myself again.”

The public and media have gone bananas. The words scandal, horny, hot and sexy have all dominated the headlines relating to this incident. The Linesman contacted Tuluski's agent and negotiated a deal to show studio-quality nude photos of her next month.

Bertuzzi Beats Unsuspecting Grandma To Death

While traveling on the subway home from court, Todd Bertuzzi physically assaulted an old woman to the point of death.

In questioning, the police asked Bertuzzi if Marc Crawford told him to carry out this heinous crime.

“Not even in the form of a telepathic message?” asked the police.

“No. I am 100% sure that Marc Crawford did not tell me to beat that old hag…”

“There's a difference between sending players out and knowing that once in awhile you have a job to do and whether it's your description to do it,” Bertuzzi said.

“I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice but to challenge this old woman to a fight,” he finished.

Following the questioning period, Paul Kukla, an NHL hockey blogger, was summoned to help translate Bertuzzi’s thoughts.

“NHLers speak a different language. You have to be an old-timer like me in order to understand. I have a lot of experience with the unwritten rules of the game,” said Kukla.

“You also have to bring yourself down to the level of a child when speaking to an NHLer. In order to see what he’s saying… Actually, give me a minute to figure this out,” Kukla said.

Bertuzzi was released on a $4000 bail. Shortly thereafter, he returned to the police station because he was caught mugging a 46-year old woman walking her dog.

Campbell Joins Simon on 3-month Drinking Binge

The day after Chris Simon received the longest suspension in NHL history, NHL disciplinarian Collin Campbell called Chris Simon to a special private meeting at his office in New York.

“Personally, as soon as the door shut and we were alone, I thought he was going to ask me to suck his dick,” Simon said yesterday.

“But then he pulled out a bottle of 18-year old Scotch and I forget what happened after that. I remember that the Scotch was smooth though,” he finished.

Since our interview with Simon yesterday, his whereabouts (and Campbell’s for that matter) have been unknown. We can confirm that Simon was sober during our interview with him but he definitely had a 26 ounce bottle of Smirnoff in his breast pocket.

Judging by the long leave of absence Campbell has filed with the NHL, Hockey analyst Darren Dreger speculates that the two men have started an Ontario-wide Native reserve pub crawl.

Marc Crawford Bears Bertuzzi’s Guilt

The case between Todd Bertuzzi and Steve Moore has finally come to an end. Before voting a unanimous “not guilty” verdict, the jury listened to Bertuzzi’s lawyer deliver the following speech. Here we go again for another Linesman exclusive brought to you by our courtroom reporter Ted Sanders:

Your honour, members of the jury…

My client, Todd Bertuzzi, is an idiot. When he's told to do something he does it. In fact, I would go as far as to declare him insane. He simply lacks the ability to make decisions for himself. He cannot help it though. You must take pity on him.

Mr. Bertuzzi has been playing hockey all his life. When other children were happily learning how to read Todd was playing hockey. He was being yelled at abusively by his coach. He was thus enslaved into a life of intense physical workouts and multi-million dollar contracts. It was his destiny to be in the NHL. It was his destiny to eat Steve Moore.

When Marc Crawford told him to "make Steve Moore pay a price," Mr. Bertuzzi had no choice. Could he have said to his coach: "I don't think revenge is a good idea," or, "beating the shit out of someone doesn't solve anything?" Absolutely not. In fact, we're lucky that Mr. Bertuzzi ate one player and one player only. He could have also eaten Adam Foote, Joe Sakic, or god forbid, a child. By devouring one person he spared the lives of many more.

Members of the jury. Think. Think this over carefully… Perhaps if I broke down my main points you will come to realize that my client is 100% innocent:

A. Mr. Bertuzzi is a hockey player, meaning, he is less intelligent than the average person.
B. Mr. Bertuzzi is from Sudbury, Ontario. This means he probably began drinking alcohol from the age of 4, and therefore, lacks normal brain function.
C. Mr. Bertuzzi has an Italian-sounding last name. Everyone knows Italians are naturally short-tempered. He cannot help his own genetics.
D. Mr. Bertuzzi was very hungry on the day of his alleged crime. Every person has a right to eat.
E. Mr. Bertuzzi's first name is Todd. It is scientifically proven that people named Todd are stupid.
F. Mr. Bertuzzi was told to eat Moore. It was not his choice. Why should he question his coach?
G. Mr. Bertuzzi’s son’s name is “Tag.” Tag is a violent game school children play. So of course, this means that my client is innocent because violence is in his blood.
H. Mr. Bertuzzi is a born again Christian. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus and Jesus.

As you can see, this is all Marc Crawford’s fault. If Mr. Bertuzzi wasn’t instructed by his own coach to “pay revenge” on Steve Moore we wouldn’t be here today. We’d probably be solving a different crime, perhaps a theft that Bertuzzi couldn’t help committing because someone told him to do it.

I rest my case.

God Refuses Pettitte’s Confession

YESTERDAY: - It was a regular Sunday for Andy Pettitte. He woke up, took a shot of HGH, had sex with his wife, got dressed, trimmed his pubes, and drove to Church.

“Normally I skip confession because I’m such a good Christian. But today I actually had something to confess,” Pettitte told The Linesman.

Although he claimed to have many sins, Pettitte did not spend much time in the confession booth. In fact, witnesses say the Yankees pitcher stormed out of confession in a fit of rage within just 10 seconds of entering.

“The priest told me God could not forgive me,” said an obviously upset Pettitte. “This is bullshit. The Lord forgives everyone.”

Much to Pettitte’s disappointment, God Himself backed up Father De Souza’s judgment because Jesus aired a personal message on the local Christian radio channel later that day. The Linesman received special permission from heaven to publish this holy message:

“Andy, my sheep,” Jesus began.

“Thou hast sinned greatly. I speak on behalf of my Almighty Father, the biggest baseball fan in the universe. HGH, for your information, is an illegal performance enhancing drug. So cut out the whole ‘I didn’t do steroids’ crap. You did and you’re just as guilty as your friend Roger.”

“Did you read Paul Byrd’s book? Obviously you didn’t. He even sent you a free copy, idiot. If you used his advice I would have forgiven you by now. But you only alluded to me once in your press conference. You have to repeat my name several times in your public apology if you seek repentance!”

“Next, you didn’t bite your lip hard enough during your apology. You have to draw blood. I know it hurts, but gaining forgiveness doesn’t come easy. Also, you might want to work on your acting a little more. Especially if you’re still hoping to win some Hall of Fame votes.”

“All right, I’m running out of air time so I’ll summarize my message: I don’t accept your apology, nor do I accept your confession. I will, however, forgive you if you say the Hail Mary 1,453,239 times.”

Byrd Advises Fellow Steroids Peers

Now that the Mitchell report has been released, Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd has expressed his desire to educate his fellow partners in crime about how to “handle the scandal.” In fact, just yesterday he published a book entitled How To Cover Up The Truth. He generously sent a free copy of his book to each of the players named in the Mitchell Report (Roger Clemens actually received 5 free copies).

The Linesman, a strong supporter of Byrd, received special permission to publish one excerpt from the instant classic, How To Cover Up The Truth.

Once again, we are proud to present you another… Linesman exclusive:

…You probably bought this book because you’re a rich man with tiny little balls… Chances are, you probably didn’t even know you were taking steroids. So don’t worry… Here’s some helpful advice. Organize a fancy press conference and…

1. Say that you’re Christian.
5 out of 5 Americans belong to a Christian cult. If you tell the public you’re Christian they’ll immediately understand that God will forgive you. Just look at what happened to Ted Haggard. The public found out he was a fag but the bible thumpers still love and pray for him. If God is on your side, so is the public. If you’re currently not a Christian, then just say you’re a “born again Christian.” They’ll love that even more, especially if it’s a complete lie.

2. Repeat the word “Jesus” 89 times in your speech.
The word “Jesus” is my favourite word. It stirs emotions and convinces people that you’re a good person. In your public apology, I advise that you don’t even use the word Jesus in a sentence. Just repeat “Jesus” over and over again and people will eventually forgive you. Here’s an example of what I mean: “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus… I didn’t do it. By the way Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.”

3. Remind everyone that you have children.
You will completely redeem yourself if you tell everyone that you are a father and have children. Children are innocent. Therefore, if you demonstrate that you can procreate innocent children, people will begin to realize that you have a heart of gold. And of course, if fans know you like pussy, they won’t suspect that you’re gay.

4. Bring your wife to the press conference.
If you have a hot wife bring her to the press conference. Force her to dress sexy. Keep her near you at all times. Introduce her as “your beautiful wife.” Tell her to show cleavage, but not so much that the Christians will get a bad impression of her. If your wife is ugly then abandon this strategy and consider yourself a loser.

5. Do not say “you know” 5,347 times like Michael Vick did.
I’ll use Michael Vick’s public apology as an example of how not to restore your public image. Don’t do anything that he did. If you say “you know” more than once you’ll sound like an idiot. No one forgives an idiot. In fact, if you’re black I’m afraid it’s practically impossible to restore your public image. I wouldn’t waste your time. Just give up and join the rest of your brothers in prison (I’m looking at you, Tejada and Sheffield).

6. Contradict yourself.
Normally contradicting yourself makes you look stupid, but in the context of a public apology, contradictions make you look good. You see, if 75% of your speech is full of contradictions, and the other 25% of the speech is made up of the word “Jesus,” people will only understand and remember the Jesus part. In turn, the public will be convinced that you are in fact a good man.

We thank Byrd’s publisher, Syringe Printing House Ltd. for the permission to publish this enlightening excerpt.

George Mitchell Interview

George Mitchell, the chief investigator of a 2-year MLB steroids probe, was given the opportunity to do one interview with the media before officially disclosing the results of his investigation. Instead of choosing to sit down with ESPN, Reuters, TSN or USA Today, he sat down with us.

We are proud to present another Linesman exclusive.

Soo Min-Ji: Nice to meet you George, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Mitchell: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Hi George. So tell me, what do steroids do?
Mitchell: Well, athletes mainly take steroids to increase the size of their muscles. With bigger bodies baseball players can hit more homeruns.
Minge: Now I’ve been hearing a lot of fact and fiction about steroids. Our readers do not want to be ignorant any longer. I figure you’re the best person to ask because you’ve been working on this report for so long. Tell me, please, do steroids cause a man’s testicles to shrink?
Mitchell: Yes, I believe so.
Minge: Really? How do you know that?
Mitchell: Well, I did just finish a 20-month long investigation.
Minge: So did you see a lot of balls?
Mitchell: Just my own [laughs].
Minge: Are you on steroids?
Mitchell: No, of course not.
Minge: But then how do you know for sure that they shrink?
Mitchell: Frankly, I don’t know how. There’s probably some scientific explanation.
Minge: Fair enough. [pauses] When they shrink, are they comparable to the size of a child’s balls?
Mitchell: Hmm. Perhaps just a little hairier?
Minge: Ok, I think I can picture that… Next question: are there drugs that purposely increase the size of testicles?
Mitchell: As far as I know, no.
Minge: I’m confused, there’s a huge penis enlargement industry!
Mitchell: I suppose small balls aren’t such a big deal.
Minge: Fascinating. Now, has an MLB steroids user ever picked up an official league ball and looked at it jealously?
Mitchell: To my knowledge, no.
Minge: I hear that urine tests don’t always identify performance enhancing drugs.
Mitchell: Yes, that’s actually a special focus in section 7 of my report.
Minge: So if urine inspections often fail, why don’t medics do testicle inspections instead?
Mitchell: Testicle inspections are gay.
Minge: Really?
Mitchell: Yes.
Minge: Well, then I guess you can’t do testicle inspections.
Mitchell: Exactly. Some players, like Roger Clemens, are also really old. You don’t want to be looking at their raisin balls.
Minge: [laughs] I don’t mind small balls so much, they’re easier to fit in my mouth.
Mitchell: Look, can we please get off the subject of testicles?
Minge: Yes, of course. The next portion of the interview is strictly about the ethical implications of steroids use.
Mitchell: Great!
Minge: Ok, here goes: If a woman gets a sex change and then takes steroids, will her plasti-balls shrink?
Mitchell: I thought you said that –
Minge: Just answer the question!
Mitchell: I don’t know!
Minge: This leads me to believe your investigation is false.
Mitchell: Please don’t make such accusations.
Minge: You realize baseball fans across America will be reading this interview. You’re not helping your credibility here by being ignorant.
Mitchell: Can we just finish this so that I can go and give the official press conference?
Minge: Fine. Just one more question.
Mitchell: Go ahead.
Minge: What’s the difference between performance enhancing drugs and steroids?
Mitchell: They’re the same thing.
Minge: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Positive. There’s a reason why the report is called “The Mitchell Report.”
Minge: Does Viagra count as a performance enhancing drug?
Mitchell: No more questions!

[George Leaves… He gave the report moments later. Then we laughed at all the players with small testicles.]

Jones Sprints Away from IOC Medal-Stripping Crew

Marion Jones is more than just the former sprinter who won 5 medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Within the past two months she has shot to fame in the Montreal sex industry. Her past history of using growth hormones had doubled the size and capacity of her vagina, making her a huge attraction in the “Bangkok West” of Canada.

Although The Linesman was unable to acquire an interview with Miss Jones, we have sources that say she credits her “double vulva” as her career-saviour. Ironically, drugs have once again helped her get by in life. This is proof as to why everyone should do drugs.

Anyways, her career as an entertainer has been abruptly put on hiatus. Some have claimed creative differences between her original vulva and her new vulva have caused her to take time off and let her vagina resolve itself. These claims have been proved false, however.

The IOC came looking for Jones at her new home in Montreal yesterday. Because of her steroids confession, they asked her politely to return her five Sydney 2000 medals but she refused. The IOC didn’t have a medal-stripping warrant so they were forced to wait outside the Jones residence for five hours before the warrant issuing authority gave them the permission they needed.

It was too late.

Jones grabbed her medals and fled the scene. She had been running as the IOC medal-stripping crew waited for a medal-stripping warrant.To pass the time, The IOC committee visited Club Super Sex.

Even though Jones has been off steroids and growth hormones for the past couple of months, her super vagina allowed her to super queaf which in turn allowed her to gain super distance away from Montreal. In other words, her incredible queafing skills allowed her to run as if assisted by a jet pack.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but the stench of vagina still lingers in the Montreal suburbs. It is unknown whether she will surrender the medals or forsake her career in adult entertainment forever.

Wanted posters displaying Jones’ face and mutated pussy have been posted all over Quebec. Not that anyone actually cares to catch her. Her genitalia is just so awe-inspiring.

“We were looking for an excuse to show pictures of pussy in our store,” said 7-11 owner Louis Francois in St Leonard, Montreal.

Nevertheless, we’re obligated to say this: call 519-555-6661 if you have any tips.

Several Linesman Writers Beheaded

As all four of you readers can see, The Linesman has not been publishing articles as often as it used to. This is due to the fact that a certain group of Linesman writers decided to ignore their deadlines.

We assure you articles will be published more frequently from now on though. All of the slackers were beheaded today and new staff has been hired. We apologize for the inconvenience and we assure you that all the incompetent writers are officially pronounced dead.

Pictured above: The beheading device currently situated in our office. It stands at the entrance as a reminder to all of our new writers of the serious consequences.

Mark Recchi Euthanization Attempt Fails

The Pittsburgh Penguins have reported that their attempts to euthanize the aging Mark Recchi have failed.

"We're trying to put him out of his misery but he won't give up," said team doctors yesterday evening.

"He can't score any more goals so we might as well wash him away with the rest of the senior citizens of this country."

Reports indicate that Recchi survived an attempted forced-drowning in the Monongahela River last night. Doctors presumed that Recchi was among the other motionless bodies floating in the river, but they were obviously wrong. He was discovered unconscious the next morning a little down stream.

The Penguins have announced the purchase of an iron maiden from Germany. Hockey analysts speculate that it will be used in the next attempt to put Recchi out of his misery.

"All hockey players go to heaven," Gary Bettman stated yesterday in reaction to the euthanization news.