Monday, December 17, 2007

God Refuses Pettitte’s Confession

YESTERDAY: - It was a regular Sunday for Andy Pettitte. He woke up, took a shot of HGH, had sex with his wife, got dressed, trimmed his pubes, and drove to Church.

“Normally I skip confession because I’m such a good Christian. But today I actually had something to confess,” Pettitte told The Linesman.

Although he claimed to have many sins, Pettitte did not spend much time in the confession booth. In fact, witnesses say the Yankees pitcher stormed out of confession in a fit of rage within just 10 seconds of entering.

“The priest told me God could not forgive me,” said an obviously upset Pettitte. “This is bullshit. The Lord forgives everyone.”

Much to Pettitte’s disappointment, God Himself backed up Father De Souza’s judgment because Jesus aired a personal message on the local Christian radio channel later that day. The Linesman received special permission from heaven to publish this holy message:

“Andy, my sheep,” Jesus began.

“Thou hast sinned greatly. I speak on behalf of my Almighty Father, the biggest baseball fan in the universe. HGH, for your information, is an illegal performance enhancing drug. So cut out the whole ‘I didn’t do steroids’ crap. You did and you’re just as guilty as your friend Roger.”

“Did you read Paul Byrd’s book? Obviously you didn’t. He even sent you a free copy, idiot. If you used his advice I would have forgiven you by now. But you only alluded to me once in your press conference. You have to repeat my name several times in your public apology if you seek repentance!”

“Next, you didn’t bite your lip hard enough during your apology. You have to draw blood. I know it hurts, but gaining forgiveness doesn’t come easy. Also, you might want to work on your acting a little more. Especially if you’re still hoping to win some Hall of Fame votes.”

“All right, I’m running out of air time so I’ll summarize my message: I don’t accept your apology, nor do I accept your confession. I will, however, forgive you if you say the Hail Mary 1,453,239 times.”

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