Thursday, December 13, 2007

George Mitchell Interview

George Mitchell, the chief investigator of a 2-year MLB steroids probe, was given the opportunity to do one interview with the media before officially disclosing the results of his investigation. Instead of choosing to sit down with ESPN, Reuters, TSN or USA Today, he sat down with us.

We are proud to present another Linesman exclusive.

Soo Min-Ji: Nice to meet you George, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Mitchell: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Hi George. So tell me, what do steroids do?
Mitchell: Well, athletes mainly take steroids to increase the size of their muscles. With bigger bodies baseball players can hit more homeruns.
Minge: Now I’ve been hearing a lot of fact and fiction about steroids. Our readers do not want to be ignorant any longer. I figure you’re the best person to ask because you’ve been working on this report for so long. Tell me, please, do steroids cause a man’s testicles to shrink?
Mitchell: Yes, I believe so.
Minge: Really? How do you know that?
Mitchell: Well, I did just finish a 20-month long investigation.
Minge: So did you see a lot of balls?
Mitchell: Just my own [laughs].
Minge: Are you on steroids?
Mitchell: No, of course not.
Minge: But then how do you know for sure that they shrink?
Mitchell: Frankly, I don’t know how. There’s probably some scientific explanation.
Minge: Fair enough. [pauses] When they shrink, are they comparable to the size of a child’s balls?
Mitchell: Hmm. Perhaps just a little hairier?
Minge: Ok, I think I can picture that… Next question: are there drugs that purposely increase the size of testicles?
Mitchell: As far as I know, no.
Minge: I’m confused, there’s a huge penis enlargement industry!
Mitchell: I suppose small balls aren’t such a big deal.
Minge: Fascinating. Now, has an MLB steroids user ever picked up an official league ball and looked at it jealously?
Mitchell: To my knowledge, no.
Minge: I hear that urine tests don’t always identify performance enhancing drugs.
Mitchell: Yes, that’s actually a special focus in section 7 of my report.
Minge: So if urine inspections often fail, why don’t medics do testicle inspections instead?
Mitchell: Testicle inspections are gay.
Minge: Really?
Mitchell: Yes.
Minge: Well, then I guess you can’t do testicle inspections.
Mitchell: Exactly. Some players, like Roger Clemens, are also really old. You don’t want to be looking at their raisin balls.
Minge: [laughs] I don’t mind small balls so much, they’re easier to fit in my mouth.
Mitchell: Look, can we please get off the subject of testicles?
Minge: Yes, of course. The next portion of the interview is strictly about the ethical implications of steroids use.
Mitchell: Great!
Minge: Ok, here goes: If a woman gets a sex change and then takes steroids, will her plasti-balls shrink?
Mitchell: I thought you said that –
Minge: Just answer the question!
Mitchell: I don’t know!
Minge: This leads me to believe your investigation is false.
Mitchell: Please don’t make such accusations.
Minge: You realize baseball fans across America will be reading this interview. You’re not helping your credibility here by being ignorant.
Mitchell: Can we just finish this so that I can go and give the official press conference?
Minge: Fine. Just one more question.
Mitchell: Go ahead.
Minge: What’s the difference between performance enhancing drugs and steroids?
Mitchell: They’re the same thing.
Minge: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Positive. There’s a reason why the report is called “The Mitchell Report.”
Minge: Does Viagra count as a performance enhancing drug?
Mitchell: No more questions!

[George Leaves… He gave the report moments later. Then we laughed at all the players with small testicles.]

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