Thursday, December 20, 2007

Marc Crawford Bears Bertuzzi’s Guilt

The case between Todd Bertuzzi and Steve Moore has finally come to an end. Before voting a unanimous “not guilty” verdict, the jury listened to Bertuzzi’s lawyer deliver the following speech. Here we go again for another Linesman exclusive brought to you by our courtroom reporter Ted Sanders:

Your honour, members of the jury…

My client, Todd Bertuzzi, is an idiot. When he's told to do something he does it. In fact, I would go as far as to declare him insane. He simply lacks the ability to make decisions for himself. He cannot help it though. You must take pity on him.

Mr. Bertuzzi has been playing hockey all his life. When other children were happily learning how to read Todd was playing hockey. He was being yelled at abusively by his coach. He was thus enslaved into a life of intense physical workouts and multi-million dollar contracts. It was his destiny to be in the NHL. It was his destiny to eat Steve Moore.

When Marc Crawford told him to "make Steve Moore pay a price," Mr. Bertuzzi had no choice. Could he have said to his coach: "I don't think revenge is a good idea," or, "beating the shit out of someone doesn't solve anything?" Absolutely not. In fact, we're lucky that Mr. Bertuzzi ate one player and one player only. He could have also eaten Adam Foote, Joe Sakic, or god forbid, a child. By devouring one person he spared the lives of many more.

Members of the jury. Think. Think this over carefully… Perhaps if I broke down my main points you will come to realize that my client is 100% innocent:

A. Mr. Bertuzzi is a hockey player, meaning, he is less intelligent than the average person.
B. Mr. Bertuzzi is from Sudbury, Ontario. This means he probably began drinking alcohol from the age of 4, and therefore, lacks normal brain function.
C. Mr. Bertuzzi has an Italian-sounding last name. Everyone knows Italians are naturally short-tempered. He cannot help his own genetics.
D. Mr. Bertuzzi was very hungry on the day of his alleged crime. Every person has a right to eat.
E. Mr. Bertuzzi's first name is Todd. It is scientifically proven that people named Todd are stupid.
F. Mr. Bertuzzi was told to eat Moore. It was not his choice. Why should he question his coach?
G. Mr. Bertuzzi’s son’s name is “Tag.” Tag is a violent game school children play. So of course, this means that my client is innocent because violence is in his blood.
H. Mr. Bertuzzi is a born again Christian. Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus and Jesus.

As you can see, this is all Marc Crawford’s fault. If Mr. Bertuzzi wasn’t instructed by his own coach to “pay revenge” on Steve Moore we wouldn’t be here today. We’d probably be solving a different crime, perhaps a theft that Bertuzzi couldn’t help committing because someone told him to do it.

I rest my case.

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