Saturday, December 8, 2007

Mark Recchi Euthanization Attempt Fails

The Pittsburgh Penguins have reported that their attempts to euthanize the aging Mark Recchi have failed.

"We're trying to put him out of his misery but he won't give up," said team doctors yesterday evening.

"He can't score any more goals so we might as well wash him away with the rest of the senior citizens of this country."

Reports indicate that Recchi survived an attempted forced-drowning in the Monongahela River last night. Doctors presumed that Recchi was among the other motionless bodies floating in the river, but they were obviously wrong. He was discovered unconscious the next morning a little down stream.

The Penguins have announced the purchase of an iron maiden from Germany. Hockey analysts speculate that it will be used in the next attempt to put Recchi out of his misery.

"All hockey players go to heaven," Gary Bettman stated yesterday in reaction to the euthanization news.

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