Friday, December 21, 2007

Bertuzzi Beats Unsuspecting Grandma To Death

While traveling on the subway home from court, Todd Bertuzzi physically assaulted an old woman to the point of death.

In questioning, the police asked Bertuzzi if Marc Crawford told him to carry out this heinous crime.

“Not even in the form of a telepathic message?” asked the police.

“No. I am 100% sure that Marc Crawford did not tell me to beat that old hag…”

“There's a difference between sending players out and knowing that once in awhile you have a job to do and whether it's your description to do it,” Bertuzzi said.

“I didn’t feel that I had much of a choice but to challenge this old woman to a fight,” he finished.

Following the questioning period, Paul Kukla, an NHL hockey blogger, was summoned to help translate Bertuzzi’s thoughts.

“NHLers speak a different language. You have to be an old-timer like me in order to understand. I have a lot of experience with the unwritten rules of the game,” said Kukla.

“You also have to bring yourself down to the level of a child when speaking to an NHLer. In order to see what he’s saying… Actually, give me a minute to figure this out,” Kukla said.

Bertuzzi was released on a $4000 bail. Shortly thereafter, he returned to the police station because he was caught mugging a 46-year old woman walking her dog.

No comments: