Thursday, December 13, 2007

Jones Sprints Away from IOC Medal-Stripping Crew

Marion Jones is more than just the former sprinter who won 5 medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Within the past two months she has shot to fame in the Montreal sex industry. Her past history of using growth hormones had doubled the size and capacity of her vagina, making her a huge attraction in the “Bangkok West” of Canada.

Although The Linesman was unable to acquire an interview with Miss Jones, we have sources that say she credits her “double vulva” as her career-saviour. Ironically, drugs have once again helped her get by in life. This is proof as to why everyone should do drugs.

Anyways, her career as an entertainer has been abruptly put on hiatus. Some have claimed creative differences between her original vulva and her new vulva have caused her to take time off and let her vagina resolve itself. These claims have been proved false, however.

The IOC came looking for Jones at her new home in Montreal yesterday. Because of her steroids confession, they asked her politely to return her five Sydney 2000 medals but she refused. The IOC didn’t have a medal-stripping warrant so they were forced to wait outside the Jones residence for five hours before the warrant issuing authority gave them the permission they needed.

It was too late.

Jones grabbed her medals and fled the scene. She had been running as the IOC medal-stripping crew waited for a medal-stripping warrant.To pass the time, The IOC committee visited Club Super Sex.

Even though Jones has been off steroids and growth hormones for the past couple of months, her super vagina allowed her to super queaf which in turn allowed her to gain super distance away from Montreal. In other words, her incredible queafing skills allowed her to run as if assisted by a jet pack.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but the stench of vagina still lingers in the Montreal suburbs. It is unknown whether she will surrender the medals or forsake her career in adult entertainment forever.

Wanted posters displaying Jones’ face and mutated pussy have been posted all over Quebec. Not that anyone actually cares to catch her. Her genitalia is just so awe-inspiring.

“We were looking for an excuse to show pictures of pussy in our store,” said 7-11 owner Louis Francois in St Leonard, Montreal.

Nevertheless, we’re obligated to say this: call 519-555-6661 if you have any tips.

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