Media Interviews Pitcher Eric Gagne

Our Linesman reporter Soo Min-ji was among the hundreds who gathered at Eric Gagne's Steroids Apology Conference yesterday. As you've probably heard, Mr. Gagne was named in the Mitchell Report. The media has eagerly anticipated a public address from Gagne since the initial Report was released in late 2007.

Media: Mr. Gagne, are you going to apologize to your fans for cheating and deceiving them?
Gagne: Non. Je suis un grand sac de douche.
Media: Mr. Gagne, could you please speak in English? We respect your French-Canadian identity, but we, the media, want to make sure that your American and English-speaking Canadian fans understand how apologetic you are.
Gagne: Sucez mes testicules, retardés anglais.
Media: Your words are so moving. Capture our hearts even further by telling us something about your French-Catholic family.

Gagne: Ma famille forcera la banane dans votre vagin.

Media: Life truly is beautiful, wow. Now tell us, did you actually use HGH?

Gagne: HGH mon anus. Vous êtes une tête de merde.

Media: So you're just as innocent as Roger Clemens says he is?

Gagne: Roger et vous pouvez sucer mon pénis.

Media: You've definitely given us the impression that you're innocent. It's too bad that this steroids scandal has become a distraction, eh?

Gagne: Vous est des cheveux pubiens. Mangez mon érection, la chienne!

Media: Thanks Mr. Gagne for apologizing in such style. You're still a hometown hero.

Gagne: Au revoir, prostituée.

Zaun Offers Steroids Denial Advice

Inspired by Paul Byrd's example, Gregg Zaun entered the book industry last week by publishing a self-help guide geared towards MLB players. The publisher, Random Syringe Ltd., expects the book to surge in sales as soon as 98% of MLB drug users re-grow the size of their balls and prepare to speak out publicly.

The book comes in a box set. The contents of the box are as follows:

- 1 self-help guide

- 30 vials of truth juice

- 70 syringes

- 55 guaze pads

- 80 band-aids

- FREE six pack of Miller Lite

After violently threatening the publishers the Linesman eventually acquired the rights to publish excerpts from this genre-bending book. We are so proud to deliver another award-winning Linesman exclusive:

Are you in the Mitchell Report? Has your name been linked to steroids? Do you like hot dogs? If you answered yes to these three questions then this book is for you. Think back and ask yourself: did I really take steroids or HGH? Now before you panic just breathe deeply and say: "No, I didn't." You know why? Because it's not true. You and I are professional baseball players. Why should we have anything to do with steroids? My name is Gregg Zaun and allow me to inject you with the knowledge...

Only approach the media when you're ready. When you do, you'll probably be asked the following question: "Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?"

This question will probably catch you off guard so you have to prepare yourself in answering it. Although extremely straighforward, the question is very deceptive. The answer could be yes, no, maybe, probably, sometimes, etc. So you want to make sure that you don't give the wrong answer. Below are a list of suggestions that advise you on how to tackle this complicated question:

Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?

Naaaawwwwww.

- Accentuate the nasal "aw" sound when you give your answer. Draw it out, preferably 5 to 8 seconds long. If you want to appear confident, follow this suggestion.

Uh, Nope.

- If you're "a man of small words," then this method is for you. Give this answer quickly and only in one breath. No more than a second long. Make the "uh" sound like you're saying: "uh, you're stupid."

Hmmm... I don't ever remember taking steroids, so I guess the answer is no.

- This is the most lawful way to respond. If you demonstrate that you don't remember then that means that you didn't do it, period. Great way to convince anyone of anything.

Never, I swear I never did 'em.

- This is a great way to deny steroid allegations if you're from the South. Say it in your best southern drawl. Show a lot of pride in your tone. If you see a leg of fried chicken around you, grab it and wave it in the air as you speak.

Isn't it obvious? No.

- If you want to look pissed off use this answer. Appearing angry will work in your favour because it'll show that you care about the truth. To add even more anger in your tone sigh deeply before beginning this answer.

Negator.

- If you like science fiction or building models then this answer is for you. Wear glasses during the interview, especially if you're not seen in glasses often. If you don't need glasses then buy fake ones. Play up your geeky personality in order to gain the public's sympathy and then say this answer like you "really mean it."

I have never violated MLB's drug policy or failed any drug tests.

- This is my preferred way to answer the question but by no means is it the best. I chose to use this method because it gets right to the point: that I never failed a drug test.

In conclusion, don't say "no" when asked the question. It sounds dishonest...

The Linesman graciously thanks Random Syringe Ltd. for the rights to re-distribute the excerpts seen above.

Clemens Pleads Vanity

Using a hammer and a chisel, our Linesman reporter Ted Sanders recorded the transcript of Roger Clemens' final comments during today's courtroom appearance. As always, we are proud to exceed beyond our competitors by bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate sports reports:

A few days ago I testified before a grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my buttocks. Questions nobody would ever want to answer.

Still, I will not take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I might as well just bake a pizza, take a giant shit on it, dress it with corn, and then deliver it to you instead of continue talking. But I think you would much rather prefer the sound of my voice over the smell of my shit.

As you know, in my interview on 60 minutes, I was asked questions about my relationship with HGH and steroids. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not tell the truth. You follow me?

Indeed, I did have a relationship with HGH that was not appropriate. However, it didn’t really constitute a critical lapse in judgment or a personal failure on my part because I’m "the Rocket."

While on the subject of myself, I beg to ask: why doesn’t anyone like me any more? I don’t give false impressions. Didn’t you see me handing out free autographed baseballs earlier before we entered court and got all serious? I dedicated an hour from my busy schedule to sign those balls before arriving on Capitol Hill.

Let me tell you something. There are two kinds of truths: the real truth and then my truth. You take a look at my records, at my legacy, at my "foundation." Look at my four children whose names all begin with the letter K. You can even take a look at my hot wife posing in a swimsuit magazine. And THEN try and convince me that you don’t have the heart to believe me.

Can we break for lunch after this?

Photo credit: Rudy C. Jones

Report: Clemens Sought MIB For Help

Extremely credible sources reported today that Roger Clemens contacted Men In Black Inc. (MIB) in early February. Agent J, a spokesperson for MIB who eerily resembles Will Smith, spoke on behalf of the alien agency:

"We received a call yesterday at approximately 4:17 pm from a man who identified himself as 'the best baseball pitcher to walk planet earth.' Little did he realize that we had call display," began Agent K.

"He asked whether he could purchase one of our patented memory-erasing flash sticks. We immediately felt suspicious over his motives and declined to deal with him any further. Such dangerous equipment is not available to the public, not even to the best pitcher on planet earth."

The United States government did not express much surprise over the news.

"It doesn't phase us. Roger tried to convince us that he was a non-English speaker from the Dominican Republic in yesterday's court hearings," said Capitol Hill judge Sir William Mathis.

"We obviously didn't believe him because he is far too handsome to be an ethnic minority," finished Judge Mathis while bashing his gavel over top of a woman's head.

In between questioning periods Clemens has reportedly been seen taking shelter in a human shield consisting of 1001 lawyers. America eagerly awaits a just end to this horrific saga.

Mitchell Plans Safe Injection Sites

Seeing as how World Finger Pointing War II (otherwise known as the MLB steroids problem) will not go away calmly the MLB steroids commission has decided to stop fighting the problem all together. They've actually decided to work with the drug problem.

"If we decriminalize steroids and actually provide them for the players then we could control things a little easier," said steroids expert and long-time HGH user George Mitchell.

"I mean, either way, all these rich baseball players can afford manipulative lawyers that will clear their name. Then the scientists will create undetectable HGH in the short future. And of course all the players are greedy enough to keep doing the drugs without admitting," Mitchell finished.

The MLB is beginning to construct injection stations directly in the dugouts. They have been certified by the National Aids Society (NAS) as 100% safe.

"The fans will be able to see who is injecting and who is not. That way people can throws potatoes, dead pigeons and seaweed at the players abusing drugs," said Bud Selig.

"Does that make sense?" he added, while clutching his heart and convulsing on the floor.

To add to the positive vibe caused by the news of this brilliant new plan Jose Canseco added his stamp of approval.

"This is the best idea since I introduced steroids into the league," Canseco said while flexing his biceps and flirting with a nearby hooker.

Canseco Barred From Press Conference, Fights Minotaur

Jose Canseco, the world's sexiest athlete with the tiniest testicles, made an appearance at the official George Mitchell conference. He tried to anyways.

"Why don't you just let me in?" He yelled moments before the Mitchell report was disclosed.

"I'm a minority!" he shouted, afterwhich he began cursing in Spanish.

When organizers realized that security guards weren't enough to stop a man on steroids authorities requested backup. In response to the call Boris the minotaur from the Central Park Zoo was summoned.

"By the time Boris arrived Mr. Canseco nearly broke through our shield of large black security guards," said head security guard Sheldon Kerouac.

Witnesses described the battle between the minotaur and Canseco as "epic."

"I didn't think it was fair that Canseco was juiced," one witness said.

"He's lucky that he got away with only bruises," another witness added.

The fight ended shortly after the minotaur inserted its giant phallus into Canseco's tight anus. After multiple thrusts the two fighters shook hands and disappeared into an alley where they reportedly made love to each other for the rest of the day.

God Refuses Pettitte’s Confession

YESTERDAY: - It was a regular Sunday for Andy Pettitte. He woke up, took a shot of HGH, had sex with his wife, got dressed, trimmed his pubes, and drove to Church.

“Normally I skip confession because I’m such a good Christian. But today I actually had something to confess,” Pettitte told The Linesman.

Although he claimed to have many sins, Pettitte did not spend much time in the confession booth. In fact, witnesses say the Yankees pitcher stormed out of confession in a fit of rage within just 10 seconds of entering.

“The priest told me God could not forgive me,” said an obviously upset Pettitte. “This is bullshit. The Lord forgives everyone.”

Much to Pettitte’s disappointment, God Himself backed up Father De Souza’s judgment because Jesus aired a personal message on the local Christian radio channel later that day. The Linesman received special permission from heaven to publish this holy message:

“Andy, my sheep,” Jesus began.

“Thou hast sinned greatly. I speak on behalf of my Almighty Father, the biggest baseball fan in the universe. HGH, for your information, is an illegal performance enhancing drug. So cut out the whole ‘I didn’t do steroids’ crap. You did and you’re just as guilty as your friend Roger.”

“Did you read Paul Byrd’s book? Obviously you didn’t. He even sent you a free copy, idiot. If you used his advice I would have forgiven you by now. But you only alluded to me once in your press conference. You have to repeat my name several times in your public apology if you seek repentance!”

“Next, you didn’t bite your lip hard enough during your apology. You have to draw blood. I know it hurts, but gaining forgiveness doesn’t come easy. Also, you might want to work on your acting a little more. Especially if you’re still hoping to win some Hall of Fame votes.”

“All right, I’m running out of air time so I’ll summarize my message: I don’t accept your apology, nor do I accept your confession. I will, however, forgive you if you say the Hail Mary 1,453,239 times.”

Byrd Advises Fellow Steroids Peers

Now that the Mitchell report has been released, Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd has expressed his desire to educate his fellow partners in crime about how to “handle the scandal.” In fact, just yesterday he published a book entitled How To Cover Up The Truth. He generously sent a free copy of his book to each of the players named in the Mitchell Report (Roger Clemens actually received 5 free copies).

The Linesman, a strong supporter of Byrd, received special permission to publish one excerpt from the instant classic, How To Cover Up The Truth.

Once again, we are proud to present you another… Linesman exclusive:

…You probably bought this book because you’re a rich man with tiny little balls… Chances are, you probably didn’t even know you were taking steroids. So don’t worry… Here’s some helpful advice. Organize a fancy press conference and…

1. Say that you’re Christian.
5 out of 5 Americans belong to a Christian cult. If you tell the public you’re Christian they’ll immediately understand that God will forgive you. Just look at what happened to Ted Haggard. The public found out he was a fag but the bible thumpers still love and pray for him. If God is on your side, so is the public. If you’re currently not a Christian, then just say you’re a “born again Christian.” They’ll love that even more, especially if it’s a complete lie.

2. Repeat the word “Jesus” 89 times in your speech.
The word “Jesus” is my favourite word. It stirs emotions and convinces people that you’re a good person. In your public apology, I advise that you don’t even use the word Jesus in a sentence. Just repeat “Jesus” over and over again and people will eventually forgive you. Here’s an example of what I mean: “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus… I didn’t do it. By the way Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.”

3. Remind everyone that you have children.
You will completely redeem yourself if you tell everyone that you are a father and have children. Children are innocent. Therefore, if you demonstrate that you can procreate innocent children, people will begin to realize that you have a heart of gold. And of course, if fans know you like pussy, they won’t suspect that you’re gay.

4. Bring your wife to the press conference.
If you have a hot wife bring her to the press conference. Force her to dress sexy. Keep her near you at all times. Introduce her as “your beautiful wife.” Tell her to show cleavage, but not so much that the Christians will get a bad impression of her. If your wife is ugly then abandon this strategy and consider yourself a loser.

5. Do not say “you know” 5,347 times like Michael Vick did.
I’ll use Michael Vick’s public apology as an example of how not to restore your public image. Don’t do anything that he did. If you say “you know” more than once you’ll sound like an idiot. No one forgives an idiot. In fact, if you’re black I’m afraid it’s practically impossible to restore your public image. I wouldn’t waste your time. Just give up and join the rest of your brothers in prison (I’m looking at you, Tejada and Sheffield).

6. Contradict yourself.
Normally contradicting yourself makes you look stupid, but in the context of a public apology, contradictions make you look good. You see, if 75% of your speech is full of contradictions, and the other 25% of the speech is made up of the word “Jesus,” people will only understand and remember the Jesus part. In turn, the public will be convinced that you are in fact a good man.

We thank Byrd’s publisher, Syringe Printing House Ltd. for the permission to publish this enlightening excerpt.

George Mitchell Interview

George Mitchell, the chief investigator of a 2-year MLB steroids probe, was given the opportunity to do one interview with the media before officially disclosing the results of his investigation. Instead of choosing to sit down with ESPN, Reuters, TSN or USA Today, he sat down with us.

We are proud to present another Linesman exclusive.

Soo Min-Ji: Nice to meet you George, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Mitchell: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Hi George. So tell me, what do steroids do?
Mitchell: Well, athletes mainly take steroids to increase the size of their muscles. With bigger bodies baseball players can hit more homeruns.
Minge: Now I’ve been hearing a lot of fact and fiction about steroids. Our readers do not want to be ignorant any longer. I figure you’re the best person to ask because you’ve been working on this report for so long. Tell me, please, do steroids cause a man’s testicles to shrink?
Mitchell: Yes, I believe so.
Minge: Really? How do you know that?
Mitchell: Well, I did just finish a 20-month long investigation.
Minge: So did you see a lot of balls?
Mitchell: Just my own [laughs].
Minge: Are you on steroids?
Mitchell: No, of course not.
Minge: But then how do you know for sure that they shrink?
Mitchell: Frankly, I don’t know how. There’s probably some scientific explanation.
Minge: Fair enough. [pauses] When they shrink, are they comparable to the size of a child’s balls?
Mitchell: Hmm. Perhaps just a little hairier?
Minge: Ok, I think I can picture that… Next question: are there drugs that purposely increase the size of testicles?
Mitchell: As far as I know, no.
Minge: I’m confused, there’s a huge penis enlargement industry!
Mitchell: I suppose small balls aren’t such a big deal.
Minge: Fascinating. Now, has an MLB steroids user ever picked up an official league ball and looked at it jealously?
Mitchell: To my knowledge, no.
Minge: I hear that urine tests don’t always identify performance enhancing drugs.
Mitchell: Yes, that’s actually a special focus in section 7 of my report.
Minge: So if urine inspections often fail, why don’t medics do testicle inspections instead?
Mitchell: Testicle inspections are gay.
Minge: Really?
Mitchell: Yes.
Minge: Well, then I guess you can’t do testicle inspections.
Mitchell: Exactly. Some players, like Roger Clemens, are also really old. You don’t want to be looking at their raisin balls.
Minge: [laughs] I don’t mind small balls so much, they’re easier to fit in my mouth.
Mitchell: Look, can we please get off the subject of testicles?
Minge: Yes, of course. The next portion of the interview is strictly about the ethical implications of steroids use.
Mitchell: Great!
Minge: Ok, here goes: If a woman gets a sex change and then takes steroids, will her plasti-balls shrink?
Mitchell: I thought you said that –
Minge: Just answer the question!
Mitchell: I don’t know!
Minge: This leads me to believe your investigation is false.
Mitchell: Please don’t make such accusations.
Minge: You realize baseball fans across America will be reading this interview. You’re not helping your credibility here by being ignorant.
Mitchell: Can we just finish this so that I can go and give the official press conference?
Minge: Fine. Just one more question.
Mitchell: Go ahead.
Minge: What’s the difference between performance enhancing drugs and steroids?
Mitchell: They’re the same thing.
Minge: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Positive. There’s a reason why the report is called “The Mitchell Report.”
Minge: Does Viagra count as a performance enhancing drug?
Mitchell: No more questions!

[George Leaves… He gave the report moments later. Then we laughed at all the players with small testicles.]

Jones Sprints Away from IOC Medal-Stripping Crew

Marion Jones is more than just the former sprinter who won 5 medals at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Within the past two months she has shot to fame in the Montreal sex industry. Her past history of using growth hormones had doubled the size and capacity of her vagina, making her a huge attraction in the “Bangkok West” of Canada.

Although The Linesman was unable to acquire an interview with Miss Jones, we have sources that say she credits her “double vulva” as her career-saviour. Ironically, drugs have once again helped her get by in life. This is proof as to why everyone should do drugs.

Anyways, her career as an entertainer has been abruptly put on hiatus. Some have claimed creative differences between her original vulva and her new vulva have caused her to take time off and let her vagina resolve itself. These claims have been proved false, however.

The IOC came looking for Jones at her new home in Montreal yesterday. Because of her steroids confession, they asked her politely to return her five Sydney 2000 medals but she refused. The IOC didn’t have a medal-stripping warrant so they were forced to wait outside the Jones residence for five hours before the warrant issuing authority gave them the permission they needed.

It was too late.

Jones grabbed her medals and fled the scene. She had been running as the IOC medal-stripping crew waited for a medal-stripping warrant.To pass the time, The IOC committee visited Club Super Sex.

Even though Jones has been off steroids and growth hormones for the past couple of months, her super vagina allowed her to super queaf which in turn allowed her to gain super distance away from Montreal. In other words, her incredible queafing skills allowed her to run as if assisted by a jet pack.

Her whereabouts are currently unknown, but the stench of vagina still lingers in the Montreal suburbs. It is unknown whether she will surrender the medals or forsake her career in adult entertainment forever.

Wanted posters displaying Jones’ face and mutated pussy have been posted all over Quebec. Not that anyone actually cares to catch her. Her genitalia is just so awe-inspiring.

“We were looking for an excuse to show pictures of pussy in our store,” said 7-11 owner Louis Francois in St Leonard, Montreal.

Nevertheless, we’re obligated to say this: call 519-555-6661 if you have any tips.

Bonds Prescribed Steroids To Ease Media Pressure

To everyone's surprise, the media has been picking on baseball legend Barry Bonds for being black like Donovan McNabb.

As a result, a Doctor from the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative has prescribed steroids for Bonds. They are meant to help him cope with the enormous task and responsibility of being Barry Bonds.

Bonds, who has never before taken any kind of performance enhancing drug, is not too worried about getting into any complications with the MLB.

"Since I don't technically have a team any more, I figured I can try these so-called steroids out," Bonds said yesterday. "Especially if they help me cope with being me," he said.

"It's really hard to be the best baseball player in the world. Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that you're so good that you need a little help... Like Matthew Perry, who relied on pain killers while shooting Friends."

"I just hope I don't catch a steroids-related health problem and die," he finished, while giving our reporter the finger and storming out.

Paul Byrd Not To Appear In Grand Theft Auto Spinoff

MLB 2K7 is no longer the cool baseball simulator to play on your xBox 360. Rockstar Games, the maker of the Grand Theft Auto series, is creating a video game that lets you relive the fantasy of being a major league drug user.

"It’s called GTA V: Search for Steroids," said Rockstar president Chris Coonhat at the announcement conference yesterday.

"Instead of playing as the thug 'CJ' in San Andreas, you use Paul Bird, a fictional up-and-coming MLB pitcher... In the game, you have to seek out the best deals for HGH while keeping your cover. Gangs and violence also complicate things, of course," said Coonhat.

When asked whether the character of Paul Bird bears any resemblance to the actual Paul Byrd who plays for the Cleveland Indians, Coonhat responded:

"No, of course not. The two don't bear any resemblance at all. The names are similar purely by coincidence."

Reportedly, Ken Caminiti appears in the form of a ghost in the game to "mentor" the progtagonist on the wisdom of proper syringe use.

Paul Byrd: Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derp

Even though he's been receiving shipments of steroids for five years, Paul Byrd decided to be honest last night before Game 7 by coming out of his HGH-packed closet.

"I can take these steroids because I have a pituitary condition. Whatever that means," said Byrd.

"The shady doctor I met in Betty's Titties in downtown Miami gave me the prescription. Did I need this HGH? Not really. I thought it might improve my condition though. Anyways, when the cops shut down my doctor's practice, I turned to my dentist for prescriptions."

"I mean, he's not my dentist any more because he was found guilty of fraud, but, hey, these steroids were prescribed. They're for my vague condition. And they just happen to help me play baseball a little better."

"By the way, I believe in God. Did you know that? I do not want the fans of Cleveland or honest, caring people to think that I cheated."

"But I realize that I'm not doing a very good job at convincing anyone."

Upon concluding the interview with Paul Byrd, our reporter shoved a syringe up his ass.

Bud Selig Struggling To Erase Asterisk

Fashion designer Marc Ecko may have more to do with baseball history than you imagine. After taking a vote, he has branded the infamous "756 ball" and sent it to Cooperstown, location of the baseball hall of fame.

"This is a constant reminder of this unforgettable moment in sports history and popular culture," said Marc Ecko.

Meanwhile, Budd Selig is scrambling to erase the asterisk.

"I've tried using soap, javex, silly putty, everything," said a panicking Selig yesterday. "This is driving me crazy. I think we might have to cover it up with tape or something. This is so embarrassing."

"Oh wait! I'll get my wife to try and scrub it off," Selig added, before rushing away in a hurry.