Media Interviews Pitcher Eric Gagne

Our Linesman reporter Soo Min-ji was among the hundreds who gathered at Eric Gagne's Steroids Apology Conference yesterday. As you've probably heard, Mr. Gagne was named in the Mitchell Report. The media has eagerly anticipated a public address from Gagne since the initial Report was released in late 2007.

Media: Mr. Gagne, are you going to apologize to your fans for cheating and deceiving them?
Gagne: Non. Je suis un grand sac de douche.
Media: Mr. Gagne, could you please speak in English? We respect your French-Canadian identity, but we, the media, want to make sure that your American and English-speaking Canadian fans understand how apologetic you are.
Gagne: Sucez mes testicules, retardés anglais.
Media: Your words are so moving. Capture our hearts even further by telling us something about your French-Catholic family.

Gagne: Ma famille forcera la banane dans votre vagin.

Media: Life truly is beautiful, wow. Now tell us, did you actually use HGH?

Gagne: HGH mon anus. Vous êtes une tête de merde.

Media: So you're just as innocent as Roger Clemens says he is?

Gagne: Roger et vous pouvez sucer mon pénis.

Media: You've definitely given us the impression that you're innocent. It's too bad that this steroids scandal has become a distraction, eh?

Gagne: Vous est des cheveux pubiens. Mangez mon érection, la chienne!

Media: Thanks Mr. Gagne for apologizing in such style. You're still a hometown hero.

Gagne: Au revoir, prostituée.

Zaun Offers Steroids Denial Advice

Inspired by Paul Byrd's example, Gregg Zaun entered the book industry last week by publishing a self-help guide geared towards MLB players. The publisher, Random Syringe Ltd., expects the book to surge in sales as soon as 98% of MLB drug users re-grow the size of their balls and prepare to speak out publicly.

The book comes in a box set. The contents of the box are as follows:

- 1 self-help guide

- 30 vials of truth juice

- 70 syringes

- 55 guaze pads

- 80 band-aids

- FREE six pack of Miller Lite

After violently threatening the publishers the Linesman eventually acquired the rights to publish excerpts from this genre-bending book. We are so proud to deliver another award-winning Linesman exclusive:

Are you in the Mitchell Report? Has your name been linked to steroids? Do you like hot dogs? If you answered yes to these three questions then this book is for you. Think back and ask yourself: did I really take steroids or HGH? Now before you panic just breathe deeply and say: "No, I didn't." You know why? Because it's not true. You and I are professional baseball players. Why should we have anything to do with steroids? My name is Gregg Zaun and allow me to inject you with the knowledge...

Only approach the media when you're ready. When you do, you'll probably be asked the following question: "Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?"

This question will probably catch you off guard so you have to prepare yourself in answering it. Although extremely straighforward, the question is very deceptive. The answer could be yes, no, maybe, probably, sometimes, etc. So you want to make sure that you don't give the wrong answer. Below are a list of suggestions that advise you on how to tackle this complicated question:

Did you ever take steroids or human growth hormone?

Naaaawwwwww.

- Accentuate the nasal "aw" sound when you give your answer. Draw it out, preferably 5 to 8 seconds long. If you want to appear confident, follow this suggestion.

Uh, Nope.

- If you're "a man of small words," then this method is for you. Give this answer quickly and only in one breath. No more than a second long. Make the "uh" sound like you're saying: "uh, you're stupid."

Hmmm... I don't ever remember taking steroids, so I guess the answer is no.

- This is the most lawful way to respond. If you demonstrate that you don't remember then that means that you didn't do it, period. Great way to convince anyone of anything.

Never, I swear I never did 'em.

- This is a great way to deny steroid allegations if you're from the South. Say it in your best southern drawl. Show a lot of pride in your tone. If you see a leg of fried chicken around you, grab it and wave it in the air as you speak.

Isn't it obvious? No.

- If you want to look pissed off use this answer. Appearing angry will work in your favour because it'll show that you care about the truth. To add even more anger in your tone sigh deeply before beginning this answer.

Negator.

- If you like science fiction or building models then this answer is for you. Wear glasses during the interview, especially if you're not seen in glasses often. If you don't need glasses then buy fake ones. Play up your geeky personality in order to gain the public's sympathy and then say this answer like you "really mean it."

I have never violated MLB's drug policy or failed any drug tests.

- This is my preferred way to answer the question but by no means is it the best. I chose to use this method because it gets right to the point: that I never failed a drug test.

In conclusion, don't say "no" when asked the question. It sounds dishonest...

The Linesman graciously thanks Random Syringe Ltd. for the rights to re-distribute the excerpts seen above.

Clemens Pleads Vanity

Using a hammer and a chisel, our Linesman reporter Ted Sanders recorded the transcript of Roger Clemens' final comments during today's courtroom appearance. As always, we are proud to exceed beyond our competitors by bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate sports reports:

A few days ago I testified before a grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my buttocks. Questions nobody would ever want to answer.

Still, I will not take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I might as well just bake a pizza, take a giant shit on it, dress it with corn, and then deliver it to you instead of continue talking. But I think you would much rather prefer the sound of my voice over the smell of my shit.

As you know, in my interview on 60 minutes, I was asked questions about my relationship with HGH and steroids. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not tell the truth. You follow me?

Indeed, I did have a relationship with HGH that was not appropriate. However, it didn’t really constitute a critical lapse in judgment or a personal failure on my part because I’m "the Rocket."

While on the subject of myself, I beg to ask: why doesn’t anyone like me any more? I don’t give false impressions. Didn’t you see me handing out free autographed baseballs earlier before we entered court and got all serious? I dedicated an hour from my busy schedule to sign those balls before arriving on Capitol Hill.

Let me tell you something. There are two kinds of truths: the real truth and then my truth. You take a look at my records, at my legacy, at my "foundation." Look at my four children whose names all begin with the letter K. You can even take a look at my hot wife posing in a swimsuit magazine. And THEN try and convince me that you don’t have the heart to believe me.

Can we break for lunch after this?

Photo credit: Rudy C. Jones

Report: Clemens Sought MIB For Help

Extremely credible sources reported today that Roger Clemens contacted Men In Black Inc. (MIB) in early February. Agent J, a spokesperson for MIB who eerily resembles Will Smith, spoke on behalf of the alien agency:

"We received a call yesterday at approximately 4:17 pm from a man who identified himself as 'the best baseball pitcher to walk planet earth.' Little did he realize that we had call display," began Agent K.

"He asked whether he could purchase one of our patented memory-erasing flash sticks. We immediately felt suspicious over his motives and declined to deal with him any further. Such dangerous equipment is not available to the public, not even to the best pitcher on planet earth."

The United States government did not express much surprise over the news.

"It doesn't phase us. Roger tried to convince us that he was a non-English speaker from the Dominican Republic in yesterday's court hearings," said Capitol Hill judge Sir William Mathis.

"We obviously didn't believe him because he is far too handsome to be an ethnic minority," finished Judge Mathis while bashing his gavel over top of a woman's head.

In between questioning periods Clemens has reportedly been seen taking shelter in a human shield consisting of 1001 lawyers. America eagerly awaits a just end to this horrific saga.

Mitchell Plans Safe Injection Sites

Seeing as how World Finger Pointing War II (otherwise known as the MLB steroids problem) will not go away calmly the MLB steroids commission has decided to stop fighting the problem all together. They've actually decided to work with the drug problem.

"If we decriminalize steroids and actually provide them for the players then we could control things a little easier," said steroids expert and long-time HGH user George Mitchell.

"I mean, either way, all these rich baseball players can afford manipulative lawyers that will clear their name. Then the scientists will create undetectable HGH in the short future. And of course all the players are greedy enough to keep doing the drugs without admitting," Mitchell finished.

The MLB is beginning to construct injection stations directly in the dugouts. They have been certified by the National Aids Society (NAS) as 100% safe.

"The fans will be able to see who is injecting and who is not. That way people can throws potatoes, dead pigeons and seaweed at the players abusing drugs," said Bud Selig.

"Does that make sense?" he added, while clutching his heart and convulsing on the floor.

To add to the positive vibe caused by the news of this brilliant new plan Jose Canseco added his stamp of approval.

"This is the best idea since I introduced steroids into the league," Canseco said while flexing his biceps and flirting with a nearby hooker.

Excerpts From 60 Minutes

On January 6th, some old man in a grey suit asked Roger Clemens a bunch of trick questions on a television show called "60 minutes." Yes, we too thought that "60 Minutes" was a porn flick but it's actually just a boring game show where no one wins any money (the contestants don't win any respect either).

Since it actually costs money to have the rights to show excerpts of 60 minutes on one's web page The Linesman is unable to provide any video footage of the interview. Our field reporter, Ted Sanders, asked Mr. Clemens some questions before and after the interview but we have actually lost contact with Ted. If you hear or see him please notify us immediately. He has missed his deadline.

So, due to our incompetence we are only able to provide a script of the interview. The truth finally comes out:

Old man in grey suit: I think there are machines now that can determine if a person is lying or not. Have you heard of these magical things?

The wrongfully accused tool: Forget the lie detector. [drinks from his water bottle] My wife come home with a new one from BestBuy yesterday and I yell "take it back!" What is a machine anyways? Can you trust them? Remember what The Matrix was about? If a machine doesn't have feelings then it can't have innocence, which means it doesn't know what truth is.

OMIGS: Hypothetically speaking, if you took steroids, and if steroids morphed your body significantly, and you could choose to have an extra body part, what extra body part would you most prefer to have?

TWAT: You know what? [drinks from his water bottle] You can see the truth just by looking at me. Do I have a third ear growing out of my forehead? No. Can I pull a tractor with my teeth? No. Look at me! I'm a wealthy, arrogant, fat and lazy baesball player who is wrongly accused of taking steroids. That's what the truth is. I'm just like one of them minorities but my skin ain't dark and I'm handsome.

OMIGS: Even after these steroids allegations, do you consider baseball your favourite sport?

TWAT: I've dedicated my whole life to the game of baseball. You know what I did last season with the Yankees? I just played whenever I felt like it. I said "fuck training camp, I'll be at the cottage!" And the year before that, [takes a sip from his water bottle] I didn't go on any road games with the Astros. I've even named each of my kids names that begin with the letter "K." It's such a mystery to me why no one respects me.

OMIGS: Wait a second, are you even answering my questions?

TWAT: It didn't happen. It didn't happen. [drinks some water] It just didn't happen. It just just just just [drinks a brown fluid] just didn't happen happen [lights a cigarette] didn't it didn't happen. Happen [feeds his Tamagotchi] didn't no just happen no didn't just happen HAPPEN.

OMIGS: What just happened?

TWAT: Can I say one more thing.

OMIGS: Well sure but it better be fast because your 60 minutes are up.

TWAT: Jesus. And I have a foundation. And I have a family. My kids are sad. They're hurt. Ahem, Jesus.

The old man in the grey suit is an anchor on the popular show "60 Minutes." Send him an email at omigs@60minutes.com if you have any comments or suggestions. Although you should hurry with that email because he is scheduled to die in three days.

God Refuses Pettitte’s Confession

YESTERDAY: - It was a regular Sunday for Andy Pettitte. He woke up, took a shot of HGH, had sex with his wife, got dressed, trimmed his pubes, and drove to Church.

“Normally I skip confession because I’m such a good Christian. But today I actually had something to confess,” Pettitte told The Linesman.

Although he claimed to have many sins, Pettitte did not spend much time in the confession booth. In fact, witnesses say the Yankees pitcher stormed out of confession in a fit of rage within just 10 seconds of entering.

“The priest told me God could not forgive me,” said an obviously upset Pettitte. “This is bullshit. The Lord forgives everyone.”

Much to Pettitte’s disappointment, God Himself backed up Father De Souza’s judgment because Jesus aired a personal message on the local Christian radio channel later that day. The Linesman received special permission from heaven to publish this holy message:

“Andy, my sheep,” Jesus began.

“Thou hast sinned greatly. I speak on behalf of my Almighty Father, the biggest baseball fan in the universe. HGH, for your information, is an illegal performance enhancing drug. So cut out the whole ‘I didn’t do steroids’ crap. You did and you’re just as guilty as your friend Roger.”

“Did you read Paul Byrd’s book? Obviously you didn’t. He even sent you a free copy, idiot. If you used his advice I would have forgiven you by now. But you only alluded to me once in your press conference. You have to repeat my name several times in your public apology if you seek repentance!”

“Next, you didn’t bite your lip hard enough during your apology. You have to draw blood. I know it hurts, but gaining forgiveness doesn’t come easy. Also, you might want to work on your acting a little more. Especially if you’re still hoping to win some Hall of Fame votes.”

“All right, I’m running out of air time so I’ll summarize my message: I don’t accept your apology, nor do I accept your confession. I will, however, forgive you if you say the Hail Mary 1,453,239 times.”

Bud Selig Struggling To Erase Asterisk

Fashion designer Marc Ecko may have more to do with baseball history than you imagine. After taking a vote, he has branded the infamous "756 ball" and sent it to Cooperstown, location of the baseball hall of fame.

"This is a constant reminder of this unforgettable moment in sports history and popular culture," said Marc Ecko.

Meanwhile, Budd Selig is scrambling to erase the asterisk.

"I've tried using soap, javex, silly putty, everything," said a panicking Selig yesterday. "This is driving me crazy. I think we might have to cover it up with tape or something. This is so embarrassing."

"Oh wait! I'll get my wife to try and scrub it off," Selig added, before rushing away in a hurry.