Mitchell Plans Safe Injection Sites

Seeing as how World Finger Pointing War II (otherwise known as the MLB steroids problem) will not go away calmly the MLB steroids commission has decided to stop fighting the problem all together. They've actually decided to work with the drug problem.

"If we decriminalize steroids and actually provide them for the players then we could control things a little easier," said steroids expert and long-time HGH user George Mitchell.

"I mean, either way, all these rich baseball players can afford manipulative lawyers that will clear their name. Then the scientists will create undetectable HGH in the short future. And of course all the players are greedy enough to keep doing the drugs without admitting," Mitchell finished.

The MLB is beginning to construct injection stations directly in the dugouts. They have been certified by the National Aids Society (NAS) as 100% safe.

"The fans will be able to see who is injecting and who is not. That way people can throws potatoes, dead pigeons and seaweed at the players abusing drugs," said Bud Selig.

"Does that make sense?" he added, while clutching his heart and convulsing on the floor.

To add to the positive vibe caused by the news of this brilliant new plan Jose Canseco added his stamp of approval.

"This is the best idea since I introduced steroids into the league," Canseco said while flexing his biceps and flirting with a nearby hooker.

Excerpts From 60 Minutes

On January 6th, some old man in a grey suit asked Roger Clemens a bunch of trick questions on a television show called "60 minutes." Yes, we too thought that "60 Minutes" was a porn flick but it's actually just a boring game show where no one wins any money (the contestants don't win any respect either).

Since it actually costs money to have the rights to show excerpts of 60 minutes on one's web page The Linesman is unable to provide any video footage of the interview. Our field reporter, Ted Sanders, asked Mr. Clemens some questions before and after the interview but we have actually lost contact with Ted. If you hear or see him please notify us immediately. He has missed his deadline.

So, due to our incompetence we are only able to provide a script of the interview. The truth finally comes out:

Old man in grey suit: I think there are machines now that can determine if a person is lying or not. Have you heard of these magical things?

The wrongfully accused tool: Forget the lie detector. [drinks from his water bottle] My wife come home with a new one from BestBuy yesterday and I yell "take it back!" What is a machine anyways? Can you trust them? Remember what The Matrix was about? If a machine doesn't have feelings then it can't have innocence, which means it doesn't know what truth is.

OMIGS: Hypothetically speaking, if you took steroids, and if steroids morphed your body significantly, and you could choose to have an extra body part, what extra body part would you most prefer to have?

TWAT: You know what? [drinks from his water bottle] You can see the truth just by looking at me. Do I have a third ear growing out of my forehead? No. Can I pull a tractor with my teeth? No. Look at me! I'm a wealthy, arrogant, fat and lazy baesball player who is wrongly accused of taking steroids. That's what the truth is. I'm just like one of them minorities but my skin ain't dark and I'm handsome.

OMIGS: Even after these steroids allegations, do you consider baseball your favourite sport?

TWAT: I've dedicated my whole life to the game of baseball. You know what I did last season with the Yankees? I just played whenever I felt like it. I said "fuck training camp, I'll be at the cottage!" And the year before that, [takes a sip from his water bottle] I didn't go on any road games with the Astros. I've even named each of my kids names that begin with the letter "K." It's such a mystery to me why no one respects me.

OMIGS: Wait a second, are you even answering my questions?

TWAT: It didn't happen. It didn't happen. [drinks some water] It just didn't happen. It just just just just [drinks a brown fluid] just didn't happen happen [lights a cigarette] didn't it didn't happen. Happen [feeds his Tamagotchi] didn't no just happen no didn't just happen HAPPEN.

OMIGS: What just happened?

TWAT: Can I say one more thing.

OMIGS: Well sure but it better be fast because your 60 minutes are up.

TWAT: Jesus. And I have a foundation. And I have a family. My kids are sad. They're hurt. Ahem, Jesus.

The old man in the grey suit is an anchor on the popular show "60 Minutes." Send him an email at omigs@60minutes.com if you have any comments or suggestions. Although you should hurry with that email because he is scheduled to die in three days.

George Mitchell Interview

George Mitchell, the chief investigator of a 2-year MLB steroids probe, was given the opportunity to do one interview with the media before officially disclosing the results of his investigation. Instead of choosing to sit down with ESPN, Reuters, TSN or USA Today, he sat down with us.

We are proud to present another Linesman exclusive.

Soo Min-Ji: Nice to meet you George, my name is Soo Min-Ji. You can just call me Minge.
Mitchell: Hello, Minge.
Minge: Hi George. So tell me, what do steroids do?
Mitchell: Well, athletes mainly take steroids to increase the size of their muscles. With bigger bodies baseball players can hit more homeruns.
Minge: Now I’ve been hearing a lot of fact and fiction about steroids. Our readers do not want to be ignorant any longer. I figure you’re the best person to ask because you’ve been working on this report for so long. Tell me, please, do steroids cause a man’s testicles to shrink?
Mitchell: Yes, I believe so.
Minge: Really? How do you know that?
Mitchell: Well, I did just finish a 20-month long investigation.
Minge: So did you see a lot of balls?
Mitchell: Just my own [laughs].
Minge: Are you on steroids?
Mitchell: No, of course not.
Minge: But then how do you know for sure that they shrink?
Mitchell: Frankly, I don’t know how. There’s probably some scientific explanation.
Minge: Fair enough. [pauses] When they shrink, are they comparable to the size of a child’s balls?
Mitchell: Hmm. Perhaps just a little hairier?
Minge: Ok, I think I can picture that… Next question: are there drugs that purposely increase the size of testicles?
Mitchell: As far as I know, no.
Minge: I’m confused, there’s a huge penis enlargement industry!
Mitchell: I suppose small balls aren’t such a big deal.
Minge: Fascinating. Now, has an MLB steroids user ever picked up an official league ball and looked at it jealously?
Mitchell: To my knowledge, no.
Minge: I hear that urine tests don’t always identify performance enhancing drugs.
Mitchell: Yes, that’s actually a special focus in section 7 of my report.
Minge: So if urine inspections often fail, why don’t medics do testicle inspections instead?
Mitchell: Testicle inspections are gay.
Minge: Really?
Mitchell: Yes.
Minge: Well, then I guess you can’t do testicle inspections.
Mitchell: Exactly. Some players, like Roger Clemens, are also really old. You don’t want to be looking at their raisin balls.
Minge: [laughs] I don’t mind small balls so much, they’re easier to fit in my mouth.
Mitchell: Look, can we please get off the subject of testicles?
Minge: Yes, of course. The next portion of the interview is strictly about the ethical implications of steroids use.
Mitchell: Great!
Minge: Ok, here goes: If a woman gets a sex change and then takes steroids, will her plasti-balls shrink?
Mitchell: I thought you said that –
Minge: Just answer the question!
Mitchell: I don’t know!
Minge: This leads me to believe your investigation is false.
Mitchell: Please don’t make such accusations.
Minge: You realize baseball fans across America will be reading this interview. You’re not helping your credibility here by being ignorant.
Mitchell: Can we just finish this so that I can go and give the official press conference?
Minge: Fine. Just one more question.
Mitchell: Go ahead.
Minge: What’s the difference between performance enhancing drugs and steroids?
Mitchell: They’re the same thing.
Minge: Are you sure?
Mitchell: Positive. There’s a reason why the report is called “The Mitchell Report.”
Minge: Does Viagra count as a performance enhancing drug?
Mitchell: No more questions!

[George Leaves… He gave the report moments later. Then we laughed at all the players with small testicles.]