Byrd Advises Fellow Steroids Peers

Now that the Mitchell report has been released, Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd has expressed his desire to educate his fellow partners in crime about how to “handle the scandal.” In fact, just yesterday he published a book entitled How To Cover Up The Truth. He generously sent a free copy of his book to each of the players named in the Mitchell Report (Roger Clemens actually received 5 free copies).

The Linesman, a strong supporter of Byrd, received special permission to publish one excerpt from the instant classic, How To Cover Up The Truth.

Once again, we are proud to present you another… Linesman exclusive:

…You probably bought this book because you’re a rich man with tiny little balls… Chances are, you probably didn’t even know you were taking steroids. So don’t worry… Here’s some helpful advice. Organize a fancy press conference and…

1. Say that you’re Christian.
5 out of 5 Americans belong to a Christian cult. If you tell the public you’re Christian they’ll immediately understand that God will forgive you. Just look at what happened to Ted Haggard. The public found out he was a fag but the bible thumpers still love and pray for him. If God is on your side, so is the public. If you’re currently not a Christian, then just say you’re a “born again Christian.” They’ll love that even more, especially if it’s a complete lie.

2. Repeat the word “Jesus” 89 times in your speech.
The word “Jesus” is my favourite word. It stirs emotions and convinces people that you’re a good person. In your public apology, I advise that you don’t even use the word Jesus in a sentence. Just repeat “Jesus” over and over again and people will eventually forgive you. Here’s an example of what I mean: “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus… I didn’t do it. By the way Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus.”

3. Remind everyone that you have children.
You will completely redeem yourself if you tell everyone that you are a father and have children. Children are innocent. Therefore, if you demonstrate that you can procreate innocent children, people will begin to realize that you have a heart of gold. And of course, if fans know you like pussy, they won’t suspect that you’re gay.

4. Bring your wife to the press conference.
If you have a hot wife bring her to the press conference. Force her to dress sexy. Keep her near you at all times. Introduce her as “your beautiful wife.” Tell her to show cleavage, but not so much that the Christians will get a bad impression of her. If your wife is ugly then abandon this strategy and consider yourself a loser.

5. Do not say “you know” 5,347 times like Michael Vick did.
I’ll use Michael Vick’s public apology as an example of how not to restore your public image. Don’t do anything that he did. If you say “you know” more than once you’ll sound like an idiot. No one forgives an idiot. In fact, if you’re black I’m afraid it’s practically impossible to restore your public image. I wouldn’t waste your time. Just give up and join the rest of your brothers in prison (I’m looking at you, Tejada and Sheffield).

6. Contradict yourself.
Normally contradicting yourself makes you look stupid, but in the context of a public apology, contradictions make you look good. You see, if 75% of your speech is full of contradictions, and the other 25% of the speech is made up of the word “Jesus,” people will only understand and remember the Jesus part. In turn, the public will be convinced that you are in fact a good man.

We thank Byrd’s publisher, Syringe Printing House Ltd. for the permission to publish this enlightening excerpt.

Byrd: Steroids Were For My "Human Condition"

The HGH controversy surrounding Paul Byrd has finally been solved.

"Because I'm saying this, it's official: Byrd is innocent," said a very senile Bud Selig.

"Unlike most normal people, Paul has a very serious 'human condition.' The MLB has allowed Paul to take HGH in order to treat this extremely rare and potentially fatal disease," finished Selig.

Byrd's speech at the press conference was extremely moving.

"One day, I will die. This HGH will help me keep going. I cannot prevent biological changes from taking place in my body, but hopefully, these drugs will help me survive," said Byrd, while saluting the room packed with reporters.

Now that the dust has settled, hopefully Byrd's name never surfaces in the news ever again.

Paul Byrd Not To Appear In Grand Theft Auto Spinoff

MLB 2K7 is no longer the cool baseball simulator to play on your xBox 360. Rockstar Games, the maker of the Grand Theft Auto series, is creating a video game that lets you relive the fantasy of being a major league drug user.

"It’s called GTA V: Search for Steroids," said Rockstar president Chris Coonhat at the announcement conference yesterday.

"Instead of playing as the thug 'CJ' in San Andreas, you use Paul Bird, a fictional up-and-coming MLB pitcher... In the game, you have to seek out the best deals for HGH while keeping your cover. Gangs and violence also complicate things, of course," said Coonhat.

When asked whether the character of Paul Bird bears any resemblance to the actual Paul Byrd who plays for the Cleveland Indians, Coonhat responded:

"No, of course not. The two don't bear any resemblance at all. The names are similar purely by coincidence."

Reportedly, Ken Caminiti appears in the form of a ghost in the game to "mentor" the progtagonist on the wisdom of proper syringe use.

Paul Byrd: Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derp

Even though he's been receiving shipments of steroids for five years, Paul Byrd decided to be honest last night before Game 7 by coming out of his HGH-packed closet.

"I can take these steroids because I have a pituitary condition. Whatever that means," said Byrd.

"The shady doctor I met in Betty's Titties in downtown Miami gave me the prescription. Did I need this HGH? Not really. I thought it might improve my condition though. Anyways, when the cops shut down my doctor's practice, I turned to my dentist for prescriptions."

"I mean, he's not my dentist any more because he was found guilty of fraud, but, hey, these steroids were prescribed. They're for my vague condition. And they just happen to help me play baseball a little better."

"By the way, I believe in God. Did you know that? I do not want the fans of Cleveland or honest, caring people to think that I cheated."

"But I realize that I'm not doing a very good job at convincing anyone."

Upon concluding the interview with Paul Byrd, our reporter shoved a syringe up his ass.