Pro-Stars TV Show Gets Re-make

Pro-Stars, the critically acclaimed children's cartoon from the early 90's, will officially be re-made this year. In order to catch up with the times the updated version of the show will be fully animated in CGI. It will also feature a fresh theme song written and performed by My Chemical Romance called "We Kick Butt, Yeah!"

The new Pro-Stars, apparently to to be re-named Pro-Stars 2000, will air on Saturday afternoons on Nickelodeon. To the disappointment of all children with low self-esteem, Disney's Keeners Beat Up The Cool Kids will be cancelled to make room for Pro-Stars 2000.

"This isn't a lame attempt to get more money," said TV studio executive Jack Donaghy.

"This is a decision to show kids that athletes can be good role models. Professional athletes aren't drug-taking, dog-fighting, neck-breaking or nude picture-taking cry babies. That's just a stereotype, and you know, stereotypes are so false," Donaghy finished.

Sidney Crosby, Kobe Bryant and Jose Canseco will be the three stars of the show. Staying true to the original format of the 90's version, the new Pro-Stars will begin each episode with a an incredible morality lesson.

"I feel my television-commercial career has prepared me well for this project. Not to mention I'm perfect, so of course, my face exemplifies good Christian values," said Sidney Crosby.

The new show proposal is not without controversy, however. Critics have bashed the studio's decision to cast Jose Canseco among Crosby and Bryant, two superemely noble athletes who single-handedly own their respective sports leagues by default.

"Canseco is a drug and woman abuser. For God's sake, the reason he isn't playing baseball is because his steroid use got him kicked out," said Christian America Inc. president, Steven McFarlene.

Canseco has acted quickly in response to the criticism.

"I need more money and I'm physically attractive. Aren't those the only two requirements to be a TV actor?" he said while injecting HGH into his arm.

Despite the fact that the original Pro-Stars barely lasted one season, Nickelodeon has invested millions of dollars into this project and has high hopes for success.

Mitchell Plans Safe Injection Sites

Seeing as how World Finger Pointing War II (otherwise known as the MLB steroids problem) will not go away calmly the MLB steroids commission has decided to stop fighting the problem all together. They've actually decided to work with the drug problem.

"If we decriminalize steroids and actually provide them for the players then we could control things a little easier," said steroids expert and long-time HGH user George Mitchell.

"I mean, either way, all these rich baseball players can afford manipulative lawyers that will clear their name. Then the scientists will create undetectable HGH in the short future. And of course all the players are greedy enough to keep doing the drugs without admitting," Mitchell finished.

The MLB is beginning to construct injection stations directly in the dugouts. They have been certified by the National Aids Society (NAS) as 100% safe.

"The fans will be able to see who is injecting and who is not. That way people can throws potatoes, dead pigeons and seaweed at the players abusing drugs," said Bud Selig.

"Does that make sense?" he added, while clutching his heart and convulsing on the floor.

To add to the positive vibe caused by the news of this brilliant new plan Jose Canseco added his stamp of approval.

"This is the best idea since I introduced steroids into the league," Canseco said while flexing his biceps and flirting with a nearby hooker.

Canseco Barred From Press Conference, Fights Minotaur

Jose Canseco, the world's sexiest athlete with the tiniest testicles, made an appearance at the official George Mitchell conference. He tried to anyways.

"Why don't you just let me in?" He yelled moments before the Mitchell report was disclosed.

"I'm a minority!" he shouted, afterwhich he began cursing in Spanish.

When organizers realized that security guards weren't enough to stop a man on steroids authorities requested backup. In response to the call Boris the minotaur from the Central Park Zoo was summoned.

"By the time Boris arrived Mr. Canseco nearly broke through our shield of large black security guards," said head security guard Sheldon Kerouac.

Witnesses described the battle between the minotaur and Canseco as "epic."

"I didn't think it was fair that Canseco was juiced," one witness said.

"He's lucky that he got away with only bruises," another witness added.

The fight ended shortly after the minotaur inserted its giant phallus into Canseco's tight anus. After multiple thrusts the two fighters shook hands and disappeared into an alley where they reportedly made love to each other for the rest of the day.