Clemens Pleads Vanity

Using a hammer and a chisel, our Linesman reporter Ted Sanders recorded the transcript of Roger Clemens' final comments during today's courtroom appearance. As always, we are proud to exceed beyond our competitors by bringing you the most up-to-date and accurate sports reports:

A few days ago I testified before a grand jury.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my buttocks. Questions nobody would ever want to answer.

Still, I will not take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I might as well just bake a pizza, take a giant shit on it, dress it with corn, and then deliver it to you instead of continue talking. But I think you would much rather prefer the sound of my voice over the smell of my shit.

As you know, in my interview on 60 minutes, I was asked questions about my relationship with HGH and steroids. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not tell the truth. You follow me?

Indeed, I did have a relationship with HGH that was not appropriate. However, it didn’t really constitute a critical lapse in judgment or a personal failure on my part because I’m "the Rocket."

While on the subject of myself, I beg to ask: why doesn’t anyone like me any more? I don’t give false impressions. Didn’t you see me handing out free autographed baseballs earlier before we entered court and got all serious? I dedicated an hour from my busy schedule to sign those balls before arriving on Capitol Hill.

Let me tell you something. There are two kinds of truths: the real truth and then my truth. You take a look at my records, at my legacy, at my "foundation." Look at my four children whose names all begin with the letter K. You can even take a look at my hot wife posing in a swimsuit magazine. And THEN try and convince me that you don’t have the heart to believe me.

Can we break for lunch after this?

Photo credit: Rudy C. Jones

Convicted Rapists Rally In Support Of McNamee

As Jose Canseco gave a "sworn affidavit" that Clemens did not take steroids McNamee got support from his own group of friends.

"I know when a man is telling the truth when I look him in the eyes," said convicted serial killer/rapist Paul Bernardo yesterday from his solitary confinement cell in Kingston, Ontario.

"Men like us also understand each other better than any one else. McNamee is clear," finished Bernardo, while attempting to grope our female reporter, Soo Min-Ji.

Mr. Bernardo stood up as high as he could without bashing his head into the ceiling and began a one-man protest within his maximum security cell. The sound of his shouts was surprisingly audible through the 15 inch-thick walls. Exactly what he was saying remains unknown, however.

Ted Bundy, who has more mobility because he is a ghost, was able to visit Brian McNamee on Capitol Hill.

"Hi-five!" said McNamee as he gave a high-five to a mostly invisible image that resembled the deceased serial killer Ted Bundy.

"Ted Bundy's ghost, you're awesome for coming out, buddy! Now don't you go and rape any women," said McNamee, whose morale clearly began to rise as a result of his supporters' help.

McNamee also stated that Bundy promised to haunt Roger Clemens' dreams the night before the final trial. Our reporters, on the other hand, attempted to interview Ted Bundy but weren't successful in locating the spirit. The Linesman was also too cheap to hire a spirit medium.

Report: Clemens Sought MIB For Help

Extremely credible sources reported today that Roger Clemens contacted Men In Black Inc. (MIB) in early February. Agent J, a spokesperson for MIB who eerily resembles Will Smith, spoke on behalf of the alien agency:

"We received a call yesterday at approximately 4:17 pm from a man who identified himself as 'the best baseball pitcher to walk planet earth.' Little did he realize that we had call display," began Agent K.

"He asked whether he could purchase one of our patented memory-erasing flash sticks. We immediately felt suspicious over his motives and declined to deal with him any further. Such dangerous equipment is not available to the public, not even to the best pitcher on planet earth."

The United States government did not express much surprise over the news.

"It doesn't phase us. Roger tried to convince us that he was a non-English speaker from the Dominican Republic in yesterday's court hearings," said Capitol Hill judge Sir William Mathis.

"We obviously didn't believe him because he is far too handsome to be an ethnic minority," finished Judge Mathis while bashing his gavel over top of a woman's head.

In between questioning periods Clemens has reportedly been seen taking shelter in a human shield consisting of 1001 lawyers. America eagerly awaits a just end to this horrific saga.

Excerpts From 60 Minutes

On January 6th, some old man in a grey suit asked Roger Clemens a bunch of trick questions on a television show called "60 minutes." Yes, we too thought that "60 Minutes" was a porn flick but it's actually just a boring game show where no one wins any money (the contestants don't win any respect either).

Since it actually costs money to have the rights to show excerpts of 60 minutes on one's web page The Linesman is unable to provide any video footage of the interview. Our field reporter, Ted Sanders, asked Mr. Clemens some questions before and after the interview but we have actually lost contact with Ted. If you hear or see him please notify us immediately. He has missed his deadline.

So, due to our incompetence we are only able to provide a script of the interview. The truth finally comes out:

Old man in grey suit: I think there are machines now that can determine if a person is lying or not. Have you heard of these magical things?

The wrongfully accused tool: Forget the lie detector. [drinks from his water bottle] My wife come home with a new one from BestBuy yesterday and I yell "take it back!" What is a machine anyways? Can you trust them? Remember what The Matrix was about? If a machine doesn't have feelings then it can't have innocence, which means it doesn't know what truth is.

OMIGS: Hypothetically speaking, if you took steroids, and if steroids morphed your body significantly, and you could choose to have an extra body part, what extra body part would you most prefer to have?

TWAT: You know what? [drinks from his water bottle] You can see the truth just by looking at me. Do I have a third ear growing out of my forehead? No. Can I pull a tractor with my teeth? No. Look at me! I'm a wealthy, arrogant, fat and lazy baesball player who is wrongly accused of taking steroids. That's what the truth is. I'm just like one of them minorities but my skin ain't dark and I'm handsome.

OMIGS: Even after these steroids allegations, do you consider baseball your favourite sport?

TWAT: I've dedicated my whole life to the game of baseball. You know what I did last season with the Yankees? I just played whenever I felt like it. I said "fuck training camp, I'll be at the cottage!" And the year before that, [takes a sip from his water bottle] I didn't go on any road games with the Astros. I've even named each of my kids names that begin with the letter "K." It's such a mystery to me why no one respects me.

OMIGS: Wait a second, are you even answering my questions?

TWAT: It didn't happen. It didn't happen. [drinks some water] It just didn't happen. It just just just just [drinks a brown fluid] just didn't happen happen [lights a cigarette] didn't it didn't happen. Happen [feeds his Tamagotchi] didn't no just happen no didn't just happen HAPPEN.

OMIGS: What just happened?

TWAT: Can I say one more thing.

OMIGS: Well sure but it better be fast because your 60 minutes are up.

TWAT: Jesus. And I have a foundation. And I have a family. My kids are sad. They're hurt. Ahem, Jesus.

The old man in the grey suit is an anchor on the popular show "60 Minutes." Send him an email at omigs@60minutes.com if you have any comments or suggestions. Although you should hurry with that email because he is scheduled to die in three days.