Brady: Crasturbation Eases The Pain

In the dying quarter of this month's Super Bowl Tom Brady changed from Mr. Perfect into Mr. Loser in a matter of minutes. It was a feeling that he and his team hadn't felt all year so it was especially harsh.

"This sucks," Brady said yesterday in an MSN conversation with our field reporter Ted Sanders.

"BRB," he said.

Earlier in the online conversation before Brady mysteriously disappeared he expressed to our reporter that "crasturbation" has helped him cope with the feeling of loss. For those of you repressed religious zealots who don't know, crasturbation is the act of "sexually pleasuring oneself while crying."

"Even though male graduate students in the sciences or engineering usually do this, I do it too now," Brady stated.

As unfortunate as Brady's loss was, we officially have no sympathy for people who are good-looking, make millions of dollars and date Brazilian super models. Many of the staff reporters on The Linesman crasturbate but for reasons other than Brady's failure to attain perfection.

Tom Brady Caught With Wooden Peg Leg

NEW YORK - Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed Monday with what appears to be a wooden peg leg.

The Boston Herald's website displayed the photos. In addition, a video of Brady hopping awkwardly with a wooden peg leg from an SUV to his supermodel girlfriend's apartment in New York is available on TMZ.com. Don't ask us for any pictures because our news organization doesn't own a single camera. We just steal pictures.

It has also been reported that a parrot was spotted atop of Brady's right shoulder.

The Patriots, currently chasing a perfect season, will look extremely foolish if they fail to beat the Giants in this year's Super Bowl.

"Yeehar, everyone gets bumps and bruises. I'll be at the Super Bowl regardless," Brady said Monday during his weekly radio appearance on WEEI.

"I might have one leg amputated, but I'd have to be on a stretcher to miss this one. In games like this you get roughed up a little. It's nothing serious."

Last game, Brady threw three interceptions against the Chargers in one of his worst (albeit rare) performances this year. It is suspected that this poor showing could be blamed on Brady's new metal hook that replaced his left hand (it was chewed off by a rabid squirrel earlier this month).

Sunday Night Boredom

Hey Linesman readers! You're reading another Linesman exclusive.

So because there wasn't anything significant on TV before the highly anticipated Whose Line Is It Anyway rerun last Sunday, Nov. 4, there was virtually nothing to do between 4:15pm and 7pm (Eastern Time).

We asked our readers to write in and tell us what you did to kill the time while waiting for the fabulous rerun. Here's what some of you shared:

"I watched all the deleted scenes from Bicentennial Man. It was sweet. Robin Williams is hiliarious," - Parker Stu, Ohio.

"I finally decided to do something about my nagging yeast infection," Jill Foglio, Ontario.

"Found a hidden bathroom in my house and took a shit in it," Ramsan O'Harriet, British Columbia.

"Fell asleep and lost my pet turtle. Still can't find it," Tim Goslin, Colorado.

"Watched a pirated video of Gwyneth Paltrow giving birth. Sweeeet," Saeid Tuchkew, Manchester.

"Consummated six different marriages," Osama Bin Laden, Tora Bora.

"Drove around downtown in a mustang while shooting paint balls at tranny hookers," Bruce Willis, New Jersey.

"Practiced my impersonation of Al Michaels," Lara Ulcer, West Virginia.

"Popped some viagra and went to the zoo," Charlie Sims, San Diego.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in! We hope you enjoyed seeing Drew Carrey's ugly face.

Confused Assassins Disrupt Saints-Seahawks Game

When an overhead NBC camera came crashing onto the field during a New Orleans-Seattle NFL match, the crowd and players erupted in laughter.

"Oh shit man, it was funny," said Matt Hasselbeck. "I was so close to being crushed, you know!"

Unfortunately, detectives briskly arrived at the scene and ruined the fun.

"We identified a group of Iranian assassins at the stadium," said Det. Dick Brown in a serious voice. "They were intending to hit Russian President Vladimir Putin, but evidently, missed their target."

This event confirms rumours that Putin is in fact a target of assassination.

"No worries though, they apologized for their mistake, and even gave us some money to compensate for the inconvenience. We pointed them in the right direction. We wished them luck in their endeavors," finished Brown.

Dr. Dolittle Tutors Michael Vick

In an effort to improve his glowing public image, Michael Vick has enrolled in an "Animal Empathy" class hosted by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). Although reports indicate that Vick has been attentive in class, he has thus far failed to score above 60% in the course.

"You know, I tried reading the text book, but, you know, um.... that really didn't work out," said Michael Vick. "You know, I don't get it, you know. I went to school to get drunk at parties, uh... eat pussy, and, you know, play football," finished Vick.

To help cope with his learning troubles, Vick's publicist has hired Dr. Dolittle to tutor the ex-NFL star.

"Not many people understand animals the way I do," said Dr. Dolittle yesterday. "I can especially see why Michael, given his past relationship with dogs, has a hard time understanding the concept of animal empathy."

It has been reported that Vick missed his first tutoring session because he was, at the time, "hooking up" with a blonde classmate.