Brady: Crasturbation Eases The Pain

In the dying quarter of this month's Super Bowl Tom Brady changed from Mr. Perfect into Mr. Loser in a matter of minutes. It was a feeling that he and his team hadn't felt all year so it was especially harsh.

"This sucks," Brady said yesterday in an MSN conversation with our field reporter Ted Sanders.

"BRB," he said.

Earlier in the online conversation before Brady mysteriously disappeared he expressed to our reporter that "crasturbation" has helped him cope with the feeling of loss. For those of you repressed religious zealots who don't know, crasturbation is the act of "sexually pleasuring oneself while crying."

"Even though male graduate students in the sciences or engineering usually do this, I do it too now," Brady stated.

As unfortunate as Brady's loss was, we officially have no sympathy for people who are good-looking, make millions of dollars and date Brazilian super models. Many of the staff reporters on The Linesman crasturbate but for reasons other than Brady's failure to attain perfection.