Monday, March 24, 2008

How To Win The NBA: By Kenny Smith

Yahoo! Sports basketball analyst, Kenny Smith, disappeared yesterday afternoon. His disappearance was discovered after he failed to submit his weekly column to his editor. However, during his absence Smith wrote an article for this esteemed sports publication, The Linesman.

As police search our office for Kenny's body please enjoy this Linesman exclusive...

I used to play in the NBA so I guarantee you I know how to play basketball. Moreover, I've been watching the NBA this year and I've noticed that sometimes teams win games, and sometimes teams lose games. What it comes down to is this: when an NBA team starts a game, there is a 50% chance it will lose the game, and a 50% chance it will win. You can't achieve anything in between.

What I've compiled below is a winning formula. I'll be blunt: you need these things in order to win the NBA championship. Does your favourite team got what it takes?

1. A basketball: If you're going to win an NBA championship the first thing you need is a basketball. A basketball, in case you didn't know, is a ball shaped like most other balls: round. It is not to be confused with testicles. You need a durable, round ball and it also helps immensely if the basketball bounces.

2. Two nets: You could still play a basketball game with one net but it would make things a lot easier if you had two nets. By the way, each team should have their own respective net. A basketball net looks like a hoop except it's nailed to a backboard. You know what I'm saying?

3. Jerseys: You can avoid confusion by dressing two opposing teams in different colour jerseys. If you don't have different jerseys, one team can play shirtless while the other plays with shirts. A logo - also known as a visual representation of a team and its identity - further helps increase the odds of winning an NBA championship by distinguishing one opposing team from another.

4. A corrupt official: It's quite common these days and it really makes a winning difference.

5. A great bench: If you want to win you have to treat your players fairly. Not only should they be paid millions, but they should have a very comfortable seat when they're not playing. Don't buy your bench from IKEA. Get it from a quality furniture company. And remember, basketball players are normally larger than most people so don't buy a bench made for dwarves.

6. Basketball Players: Your roster should comprise of people who are capable of bouncing a ball and shooting it into the hoop. Animals don't count. Your human beings should be physically fit enough to jump and run for about two hours straight. It helps if your roster is populated by (preferably black) males that are between 6 to 8 feet tall.

7. H2O: H2O, commonly referred to as "water," is a colourless and tasteless liquid that helps "quench" thirst. You see, once a basketball player starts playing, running around, shooting etc. he or she will sweat. A basketball player must replenish the lost "sweat" by drinking water. You know what I mean? Without water your basketball players will pass out and you will have to forfeit the championship.

8. Magic: This crucial building block in my winning formula is often the least understood.

-Kenny Smith is an ex-NBA player who can write. If you type in "Kenny Smith" on a Google images search you can see pictures of him. Due to extreme circumstances it is currently impossible to contact him.

1 comment:

Yolanda said...

This has nothing to do with your blog but something has to be done about your wardrobe. It is terrible. I know a few places here in LA where you can get some suits made. I realize you are tall but come look a mess, I think you are smart and I love you sitcom but the suits are wack, maybe you should talk to Magic's Tailor.