Liz Oak, Editor-in-chief Interview: Part 2

Approximately two articles earlier The Linesman began a series of interviews with our editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. This is the second part in the series. The first time around Liz introduced herself to the public. What does she say in part 2? Read this exclusive to find out...

Minge: So it was your passion for dogfighting that introduced you to sports, eh?
LO, EIC: And cockfighting.
Minge: Right, and cockfighting. Would you go as far as to say that you like hockey so much because it’s mildly similar to those two fabulous animal-sports?
LO, EIC: No. Dogs don’t normally get upset when they lose. Unlike hockey players, dogs fight because they’re stupid and that’s what they’re trained to do. From what I understand hockey players fight because they get upset and frustrated. The objectives of both sports are also extremely different. In animal sports, the objective is for one player to literally destroy the other. From what I’ve gathered so far, the objective of hockey seems to be “score more goals than the opponent.” Fighting in hockey functions like a subplot in a bad movie.
Minge: So you’re saying fighting is the main plot of dogfighting and cockfighting?
LO, EIC: Right, but I still watch bad movies for their ingenious subplots. Which is why I like hockey so much.
Minge: So what do you like better: bad movies or hockey?
LO, EIC: I like fighting.
Minge: Next question: who’s your favourite hockey player?
LO, EIC: I find there are very few reasons to dislike Chris Simon.
Minge: Why?
LO, EIC: He’s scored goals - 144 of them in 16 seasons. He’s my favourite.
Minge: Yeah he sounds to me like the greatest player to ever play the game.
LO, EIC: I can’t think of anyone better.
Minge: And what’s your favourite hockey injury?
LO, EIC: I like catching a good ol’ broken back once in a while. To my displeasure, there haven’t been enough broken spines since Bertuzzi’s shining moment a few years back. I was really upset that Jonathan Roy didn’t make enough contact with Bobby Nadeau’s spine to effectively break it during the most recent Sagueneens-Remparts game. Sliced necks are also pretty sweet – but only if it’s an intentional attack.
Minge: Speaking of attacks, how do you feel when a hockey fight breaks out?
LO, EIC: I’m normally half-asleep during a hockey game. Making good passes, creating clever plays, shooting sweet goals, making awesome saves... Why do they bother with that bullshit? It bores me. So when I see play stop because of a fight I get so excited. In fact, my first reaction is to stand on my feet. Then I begin hollering and hooting as loud as I can, often breaking out into an unrecognizable chant that goes something like: "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT..."

Minge: Do you do anything else?

LO, EIC: If I see any objects nearby I usually toss them at my television set. And if there are young children in the vicinity I always make sure to yell obscenities. Especially if the kids are between the ages of 3 and 7. Unfortunately though my current restraining order prevents me from coming near a child for the next 2 years.
Minge: How do you feel when the fight ends?
LO, EIC: I change the channel.
Minge: That's not a feeling...
LO, EIC: Well I lose interest as soon as the game begins again. It’s always my favourite when it takes a really long time for the refs to distribute the penalties. I could watch the refs dish out penalties all day long. I’d be happy if every hockey game in the world got cancelled because all the players couldn’t finish the game due to immediate suspensions as a result of uncontrollable brawls.
Minge: But is it really fun to watch all that dead time?
LO, EIC: Of course it’s fun. I enjoy trying to predict how severe or lax the penalties will be. I closely watch all the other players standing around on the ice and wait for the fight to get settled. There’s nothing better than watching people wait – it’s great. And of course, the stoppage time also cues a commercial break. Which is awesome because I love watching commercials.
Minge: Congratulations, you’ve just convinced me that fighting is an integral part of hockey.
LO, EIC: Absolutely. As Don Cherry says, it’s physically impossible to play hockey without fighting.
Minge: Haven't the Europeans discovered a way to play hockey sans fighting?
LO, EIC: Yes and they’re stupid. They suck at hockey. Haven’t you heard? A European captain has never led a team to win the Stanley Cup because Europeans are bad hockey players.
Minge: Who said that?
LO, EIC: Don Cherry! I repeat, remember, believe and do everything he says.
Minge: No kidding! I would do the same if only I was capable of making good choices like you.
LO, EIC: I don’t really make choices, per se.
Minge: What do you mean?
LO, EIC: I use anger to motivate me to fight and then fighting usually solves my problems. I basically don't think before I act so I don't consider myself a choice-making individual.
Minge: Fascinating. Please elaborate.
LO, EIC: Well I get angry really easily because I enter "the heat of action" really often. I wouldn’t go as far as to call myself a tyrant but I do have a tendency to just look at my writing staff and hate them immediately. And subsequently fire them. I’ve physically attacked a couple of people too, mostly the postman. The only reason The Linesman is doing so well is because of my thirst for fighting. We can’t compete against TSN, The Score and Rogers Sportsnet without my fighting philosophies.

Stay tuned for the off-chance that we might publish the third part of this riveting series of interviews.

Photo Credit: Black's Photography

Meet Liz Oak, editor-in-chief: Part 1

As our readership hits the one-million mark we felt the need to perhaps explain ourselves. Where did we come from? Why are we so good? How does The Linesman get the truth right when every other sports channel doesn't? It's all here in a short series of interviews with The Linesman founder and editor-in-chief, Liz Oak. Enjoy as our best interviewer, Soo Min-ji, invites you into the head of our great leader.

Soo Min-ji: Hi, nice to meet you. My name’s Soo Min-ji but you can just call me Minge.
Liz Oak, Editor-In-Chief: Hi Minge, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
Minge: It’s good to meet you too. So tell me something about yourself… You’re generally pretty elusive about your identity and our millions of readers want to get to know their favourite editor-in-chief a little better.
LO, E-I-C: Well I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’m a criminal.
Minge: Really? That’s fascinating. What have you done?
LO, E-I-C: I’m fairly confident that I’ve broken some labour laws.
Minge: How so?
LO, E-I-C: Overworking our writers, firing employees based on their physical appearance, how they smell – stuff like that. I basically fire people when I’m bored, you know?
Minge: That’s not so bad.
LO, E-I-C: I’ve killed a man.
Minge: Murder… Seriously?
LO, E-I-C: Of course, I wouldn’t joke about murder. I’m a very serious person.
Minge: If you don’t mind me asking, who did you kill?
LO, E-I-C: I couldn’t possibly damage my reputation by sharing this information with you so I don’t mind at all! I mean, it’s unlikely anyone can prove that we sent Ted Sanders to cover a particular story that I was absolutely certain he wouldn’t come back alive from. I personally don’t really consider that murder, however.
Minge: Aside from your criminal record, what else should we know about you?
LO, E-I-C: I’m a woman.
Minge: Yeah, I’m shocked! I normally assume that all sports editors are men.
LO, E-I-C: Ahem, I’m an editor-in-chief.
Minge: Oh, my apologies. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak, right?
LO, E-I-C: Right. Anyways, it just goes to show that stereotypes are so wrong.
Minge: Would you say that The Linesman aims to break stereotypes and spread the message of love?
LO, E-I-C: That sounds about right, yes. We also try our best to publish unbiased and truthful material. However, I don’t believe ethnic minorities are good enough to be reading The Linesman.
Minge: What is your target audience?
LO, E-I-C: Anyone cool enough to wear Tommy Hilfiger clothing. In fact, if it was possible, I’d make it mandatory to wear Hilfiger clothing while visiting The Linesman. Hilfiger is actually what my employees are expected to wear to work everyday.
Minge: Going back to the subject of race, what’s your opinion of affirmative action?
LO, E-I-C: You.
Minge: Hahaha, you’re hilarious!
LO, E-I-C: Not really. [Takes a sip of coffee]
Minge: So what’s your favourite sport?
LO, E-I-C: Hockey.
Minge: Why so?
LO, E-I-C: I love the fighting. I watch whenever I can, usually in anticipation of concussions, comas, sliced necks, broken spines, severed limbs, blood, loose teeth, extruding eyeballs, etc. I love that shit. Oh! Excuse my language.
Minge: That’s ok – Do you like any other sports?
LO, E-I-C: Not really. I actually hate sports.
Minge: Why do you then act as editor-in-chief of The Linesman?
LO, E-I-C: Well I’ve always been a huge fan of cockfighting and dog fighting – I originally intended to only write about those two activities. But then I discovered that Michael Vick was a famous NFL QB and so I got mildly interested in sports. I was really impressed that an athlete was affiliated with dog fighting. So I wrote a couple of articles on sports - about Vick and whatever, and then the readers started flooding in and eventually everything just spun out of control. This is where we are now and we continue to grow, even beyond my own expectations.

Please stay tuned for the inevitable continuation of this interview.

How To Win The NBA: By Kenny Smith

Yahoo! Sports basketball analyst, Kenny Smith, disappeared yesterday afternoon. His disappearance was discovered after he failed to submit his weekly column to his editor. However, during his absence Smith wrote an article for this esteemed sports publication, The Linesman.

As police search our office for Kenny's body please enjoy this Linesman exclusive...

I used to play in the NBA so I guarantee you I know how to play basketball. Moreover, I've been watching the NBA this year and I've noticed that sometimes teams win games, and sometimes teams lose games. What it comes down to is this: when an NBA team starts a game, there is a 50% chance it will lose the game, and a 50% chance it will win. You can't achieve anything in between.

What I've compiled below is a winning formula. I'll be blunt: you need these things in order to win the NBA championship. Does your favourite team got what it takes?

1. A basketball: If you're going to win an NBA championship the first thing you need is a basketball. A basketball, in case you didn't know, is a ball shaped like most other balls: round. It is not to be confused with testicles. You need a durable, round ball and it also helps immensely if the basketball bounces.

2. Two nets: You could still play a basketball game with one net but it would make things a lot easier if you had two nets. By the way, each team should have their own respective net. A basketball net looks like a hoop except it's nailed to a backboard. You know what I'm saying?

3. Jerseys: You can avoid confusion by dressing two opposing teams in different colour jerseys. If you don't have different jerseys, one team can play shirtless while the other plays with shirts. A logo - also known as a visual representation of a team and its identity - further helps increase the odds of winning an NBA championship by distinguishing one opposing team from another.

4. A corrupt official: It's quite common these days and it really makes a winning difference.

5. A great bench: If you want to win you have to treat your players fairly. Not only should they be paid millions, but they should have a very comfortable seat when they're not playing. Don't buy your bench from IKEA. Get it from a quality furniture company. And remember, basketball players are normally larger than most people so don't buy a bench made for dwarves.

6. Basketball Players: Your roster should comprise of people who are capable of bouncing a ball and shooting it into the hoop. Animals don't count. Your human beings should be physically fit enough to jump and run for about two hours straight. It helps if your roster is populated by (preferably black) males that are between 6 to 8 feet tall.

7. H2O: H2O, commonly referred to as "water," is a colourless and tasteless liquid that helps "quench" thirst. You see, once a basketball player starts playing, running around, shooting etc. he or she will sweat. A basketball player must replenish the lost "sweat" by drinking water. You know what I mean? Without water your basketball players will pass out and you will have to forfeit the championship.

8. Magic: This crucial building block in my winning formula is often the least understood.

-Kenny Smith is an ex-NBA player who can write. If you type in "Kenny Smith" on a Google images search you can see pictures of him. Due to extreme circumstances it is currently impossible to contact him.

Linesman Honours Michael Landsberg With Award

Michael Landsberg, the ridiculously talented interviewer on TSN’s Off the Record, is this century’s recipient of The Linesman’s prestigious "Man of the Minute" award. This award is so rare and so next-to-impossible to receive that we have no intention to ever honour any other human being with it.

"Despite the fact that Mr. Landsberg works for our chief sports media rival I want to honour this man for his hard work and inexplicable physical appearance," said Linesman editor-in-chief Liz Oak.

"In fact, I secretly want him to be interviewing athletes on behalf of The Linesman. It's a shame that TSN got him first. Nevertheless, he has inspired us all to talk faster than normal, smile less, gel our hair with tree sap and spray-paint our office walls," she finished.

As Liz Oak explained, "Man of the Minute" is meant to honour a Canadian sports caster/interviewer for his or her hard work displayed over a period of sixty seconds.

"I was watching Off the Record once and noticed that for a combined (not consecutive) fifty nine seconds Michael Landsberg did not speak. I immediately realized the importance of this accomplishment and felt the need to honour it," editor-in-chief Liz Oak said.

Along with the tin-foil trophy, Mr. Landsberg will receive a free gift certificate to a local Toronto botox clinic and a Costco super-package of chapstick.