Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Linesman Upgrades Basketball Analysis Staff

The Linesman's award-winning basketball coverage department will experience a little bit of a staff upgrade.

We regret to inform you that our previous full-time basketball analyst, Buck Faucet, disappeared last week while on a seal-hunting vacation in Quebec. His body was never recovered so there are no plans for a funeral. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak was kind enough to make plans to stage a brief memorial service in Buck's memory on Thursday, April 24, 2008, at The Linesman's main office in downtown Toronto.

On the brighter side, we are proud to announce our new full-time basketball analyst, Ron Pomegranate (pictured above). He has had plenty of experience in the NBA. In fact, he coached the Boston Celtics for a total of 4 minutes before being permanently ejected from the game (and subsequently from the league - Pomegranate was banned from working for the NBA after he physically assaulted the opposing team's coach in his 4-minute debut with the Celtics).

In addition to his on-court experience, Ron has spent several decades working in the basketball analysis industry. A fervent lover of basketball, he has created several theories that supposedly improve the game. His most famous contribution to basketball theory is "the fighting rule," also commonly known as "the enforcer rule." As extremely logical as this theory is, Pomegranate's idea has yet to be accepted by the NBA. He has spent his whole career trying to convince the NBA to loosen its zero-tolerance opinion of fighting.

"Over the 86 years that I've known him he's changed many of his opinions. In fact, just last year he dropped his belief that black people should ride at the back of the bus. But this 'fighting in the NBA' idea is one that he'll never let go of," said Donald Daffy, Pomegranate's longtime co-anchor.

Because Ron Pomegranate is so old it is physically impossible for him to work without Donald Daffy. Daffy basically helps the decrepit Ron complete many of Ron's voluntary and involuntary actions. Instead of acting as Ron's "straight man," Donald is actually his personal nurse.

These two talented men are sure to become instant fan favourites. Ron dresses in bizarre clothes and hats on a regular basis. His unusual style has already elevated him to the status of "national icon and celebrity." And of course, Ron's pet possum (pictured above) is an unforgettable mascot that you'll soon come to love.

Look forward to their appearances on this esteemed sports media portal, The Linesman.

The Linesman spent millions of dollars to acquire the rights to show the above picture from

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