Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Billy Crystal's 1-Day Yankees Contract Terminated

It was announced today that Billy Crystal would join the New York Yankees roster for a game against the Pittsburgh Pirates on March 13, 2008. Those plans have since been cancelled.

"We promised America that we'd be harsher on steroid users in the MLB and as funny as Mr. Crystal is we simply cannot make exceptions," said Bud Selig.

Billy Crystal failed a random drug test conducted before the game. He tested positive for horse testosterone, HGH, crack, an epidural anesthestic, and the vitamin B-12. The doctors, who were in disbelief, even conducted a testicle examination to confirm the results of the drug test. Billy's "crystal" balls were smaller than they should be.

"I'm almost numb to some of these suggestions that I took steroids," said Billy Crystal in an intimate Youtube video he released last night.

Before giving "the finger" to reporters he gave them high-fives and free autographs of the DVD When Harry Met Sally.

The Cleveland Indians, who were interested in signing Crystal to a one year minor-league contract, have abandoned their idea of pursuing the aging comedian.

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