Spielberg Fired, Beijing Searches for Replacement Director

For majority of the world that wasn't aware, Steven Spielberg was actually (yes, actually) slated to direct the opening ceremony of the 2008 Beijing Olympics. That plan changed yesterday, however, when the Beijing Olympic committee unanimously decided to terminate Spielberg's contract and schedule a private execution.

"God damnit, where's my jet, I want to go home -" said Spielberg over the phone to his wife in the 15 seconds he was allowed with his one phone call.

Reportedly, Chinese guards beat Spielberg over the back of the neck with batons before he could finish his message. The phone dangled by its cord as the director was taken back to the Great Wall of China, the location of his imprisonment.

The Chinese government claims that they were justified in firing and imprisoning Spielberg because his directorial vision for the opening ceremony was "nothing but a self-absorbed tribute to his legacy and trashy American ideals of capitalism."

The US embassy was notified of the arrest.

"We heard about the incident so naturally we felt a sense of alarm," said US embassy diplomat Steven McFarlen.

"But after we saw the storyboards that Mr. Spielberg created we sided with the Chinese and ignored the issue," finished McFarlen.

The storyboards, which were on display at Tiananmen Square until they were trampled over by military tanks moments ago, called for a gymnastics performance by ET replica robots. The story boards also indicated for the creation of an aquarium full of acrobatic jumping sharks, and a re-creation of the Munich Olympic bombings. The closing of the ceremony was scheduled to end with velociraptors chasing the athletes out of the stadium.

It is still unknown whether Beijing has found a replacement director. However, sources do indicate that Michael Bay was kidnapped from his home yesterday evening.

Several Linesman Writers Beheaded

As all four of you readers can see, The Linesman has not been publishing articles as often as it used to. This is due to the fact that a certain group of Linesman writers decided to ignore their deadlines.

We assure you articles will be published more frequently from now on though. All of the slackers were beheaded today and new staff has been hired. We apologize for the inconvenience and we assure you that all the incompetent writers are officially pronounced dead.

Pictured above: The beheading device currently situated in our office. It stands at the entrance as a reminder to all of our new writers of the serious consequences.

Mark Recchi Euthanization Attempt Fails

The Pittsburgh Penguins have reported that their attempts to euthanize the aging Mark Recchi have failed.

"We're trying to put him out of his misery but he won't give up," said team doctors yesterday evening.

"He can't score any more goals so we might as well wash him away with the rest of the senior citizens of this country."

Reports indicate that Recchi survived an attempted forced-drowning in the Monongahela River last night. Doctors presumed that Recchi was among the other motionless bodies floating in the river, but they were obviously wrong. He was discovered unconscious the next morning a little down stream.

The Penguins have announced the purchase of an iron maiden from Germany. Hockey analysts speculate that it will be used in the next attempt to put Recchi out of his misery.

"All hockey players go to heaven," Gary Bettman stated yesterday in reaction to the euthanization news.

Joe Torre Will Be Fired By Yankees Firing Squad

Joe Torre will be shot to death. Tomorrow.

He has failed his obligation, as Yankees manager, to bring another World Series win to the city of New York. And nobody likes him any more.

"Because we have so much money, we're also covering the cost of the funeral. His family doesn't have to worry about that," said Yankees president George Steinbrenner.

"Yankees nation will not sleep until his blood stains New York soil."

Torre was mostly speechless at his last press conference.

"I have no regrets. Just get it over with," Torre said.