Burke and Lowe Strike Back

NEW YORK – Not even 24 hours after Gary Bettman requested that Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe end their very public feud, Bettman received a message in return.

"There’s plenty of good news. He’s finally in stable condition and, because of several blows to the head, Mr. Bettman might be mentally retarded now." said Dr. Leo Spacemen, certified spinal surgeon,

"Or dead. I’m not actually too sure," he finished.

Suffering the similar fate of many other influential messengers of peace, Bettman was brutally assaulted yesterday by Lowe and Burke. They had some choice words to justify their vicious hate crime.

"This is our right to exercise freedom of speech," said Brian Burke, wiping fresh blood off his wrist.

"Did you know, Snoop Dogg likes the Anaheim Ducks," he added convincingly.

"Hey Gary, if you wanna tell me I can’t do something, you gotta come over to my house and tell me with your fists, motherfucker," said Kevin Lowe, while cradling his 6 Stanley Cup rings.

"I have more Stanley Cup rings than you," Burke snapped.

"Whatever. I have Dustin Penner," said Lowe.

"Hey Kevin, you’re so 'low' that you’d give me a five-year, $21.25 million offer sheet for my unrestricted 60 year-old ass," said Burke.

"Where do I start? First of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, you’re a moron. Thirdly, you’re a moron," Kevin said, moronically.

After exchanging a few more insults the two men quickly changed into hockey attire and then traveled to Madison Square Garden to settle the argument physically. According to Isiah Thomas, who happened to witness the fight because he was looking for chicks at the time, reported that neither man had decisively won yet.

The Linesman sincerely hopes that Bettman gets well soon. We do, however, also endorse the continued physical assault of peace-activists, like John McCain. Hopefully Burke and Lowe have a good, injury-riddled fight. They are our beloved saints of hockey's fighting spirit.

In exchange for dinner, Duck Wire gave us the rights to the photo above.

Lindros Pulls "A Zoolander" At Hall of Fame Induction

Now that his career is thankfully over, Lindros has officially begun his crusade of not letting us forget him. It all started last night at the Hockey Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

After Gary Bettman finished reading the names of the actual inductees for 2007, Eric Lindros suddenly entered on a centaur-driven chariot and stole the podium. Bettman tried to resist but Eric punched him in the head, instantly delivering a concussion.

The centaurs then devoured Bettman and disappeared in a cloud of smoke. An egg-like odour lingered in the air as the smoke slowly cleared.

"I wanna thank you all for this honour," Lindros began.

"There's only one player that can retire and get inducted into the Hall of Fame the next day, and that's me," he continued.

Before he could say more, Scott Stevens came up from behind and socked Lindros in the head. He fell on the floor and the crowd happily retreated from underneath their tables.

Later that evening Lindros was taken to a hospital and was treated for a concussion. However, because it was his 57th concussion, his brain had officially ceased working.

Without consulting Lindros' mother, authorities will ship Lindros' body to Quebec City tomorrow. Before being thrown into the St. Lawrence River, the locals will roast his body on a stake while singing the tune "Frère Jacques."

Fortune Teller Supports Bettman's Claims On Nashville

Published reports in Nashville suggest doubt in the future of the Predators Hockey Club. Apparently, negotiations between current owner (Craig Leopold) and the potential buyer, David Freeman, have broken down.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman insists that the contrary is true.

"The lease will be restructured, the deal will go through," said Bettman. "My personal fortune teller told me so," he added, assertively.

Alagisha Wonya, a fortune teller from Queens, New York, was invited to speak at Bettman's press conference.

"This deal will prosper," said Wonya, while holding a crystal ball. The lights in the press conference were dimmed during her appearance. The smell of incense was also evident.

"Despite a long history of financial loss, poor attendance, and a non-existent fan base, this hockey club will eventually be profitable," she said.

Our reporters were invited to look into Wonya's crystal ball, but, we assure you, we didn't see anything.