Monday, July 14, 2008

Burke and Lowe Strike Back

NEW YORK – Not even 24 hours after Gary Bettman requested that Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe end their very public feud, Bettman received a message in return.

"There’s plenty of good news. He’s finally in stable condition and, because of several blows to the head, Mr. Bettman might be mentally retarded now." said Dr. Leo Spacemen, certified spinal surgeon,

"Or dead. I’m not actually too sure," he finished.

Suffering the similar fate of many other influential messengers of peace, Bettman was brutally assaulted yesterday by Lowe and Burke. They had some choice words to justify their vicious hate crime.

"This is our right to exercise freedom of speech," said Brian Burke, wiping fresh blood off his wrist.

"Did you know, Snoop Dogg likes the Anaheim Ducks," he added convincingly.

"Hey Gary, if you wanna tell me I can’t do something, you gotta come over to my house and tell me with your fists, motherfucker," said Kevin Lowe, while cradling his 6 Stanley Cup rings.

"I have more Stanley Cup rings than you," Burke snapped.

"Whatever. I have Dustin Penner," said Lowe.

"Hey Kevin, you’re so 'low' that you’d give me a five-year, $21.25 million offer sheet for my unrestricted 60 year-old ass," said Burke.

"Where do I start? First of all, you’re a moron. Secondly, you’re a moron. Thirdly, you’re a moron," Kevin said, moronically.

After exchanging a few more insults the two men quickly changed into hockey attire and then traveled to Madison Square Garden to settle the argument physically. According to Isiah Thomas, who happened to witness the fight because he was looking for chicks at the time, reported that neither man had decisively won yet.

The Linesman sincerely hopes that Bettman gets well soon. We do, however, also endorse the continued physical assault of peace-activists, like John McCain. Hopefully Burke and Lowe have a good, injury-riddled fight. They are our beloved saints of hockey's fighting spirit.

In exchange for dinner, Duck Wire gave us the rights to the photo above.

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