Friday, July 18, 2008

Coming Soon: New Liz Oak Book

Our editior-in-chief, Liz Oak, is nearly finished writing a book on parenting. In fact, James Dobson commissioned her to right the Canadian edition of his famous book, Bringing Up Boys (because Canadian culture and American culture are so different from each other). Ms. Oak has stated that this will be a parenting book that "Canadians will finally be able to understand." In order to promote the book we have published an exclusive excerpt. Look out for Liz's book next month in all fine book stores like Wal-Mart and 7-11.


Bringing up Boys: Canadian Edition

Greetings to all the men and women who have had sexual intercourse with each other. You probably bought this book because you have a new baby boy. I’m going to warn you: the sex you had to conceive the child is not as good as the experience of raising the child. You should have used a condom. It’s too late for an abortion now, but there’s always the option of leaving your child in a dumpster in Quebec.

Still have the kid? Hooray for you. Now comes the important stuff. First, enroll your son in hockey. The second thing you should do is beat your child. Now don’t be stupid about how you beat your son because it’s easy to get carried away. As a rule of thumb, don’t leave any bruises. The purpose is to show the baby what violence is. I recommend that you give this lesson as soon as you know your boy is able to remember.

Next, teach your son about Don Cherry. Show tapes of Rock’em Sock'em in the place of Finding Nemo, Bambi, and other gay movies. Instead of listening to music in the car, listen to audio recordings of Coach’s Corner. Buy Don Cherry's dog. Do Don Cherry impressions in front of your child. I do discourage you, however, to instruct your child to dress like Don Cherry. A child can easily be swayed to the dark side of homosexuality if he mimics that certain style of dress at such an early age.

If you have completed all of these steps, congratulations. Your son is officially not a fag nor a pussy. He is a 2-year old man.

You’re not finished yet, however. There’s still a long way to go. With violence fresh in his mind, torment your son. Call him a fag and a pussy (even though he isn’t one). If your son cries, increase the severity of the insults. Do this until he reacts violently towards you. Don’t fight back. Take the physical abuse and persist in instigating him. The object of this exercise is to teach your child how instigation works and how to properly deal with it. You have done well if your son retaliates and injures you. Celebrate with a beer and get your little boy drunk.

Are you teaching your son hockey skills? It’s good if you are, but not too important. The main thing is to get the message of violence across. When you address your son, don't say: "Hey little buddy, wanna go to the zoo today?" Instead, you have to say: "Hey faggot, wanna go to the zoo? Oh wait, I know, you don't want to because you're a pussy." This kind of language will help your son turn into a respectable, fearless hockey man. It is important that you instruct your son to talk to his friends like this all the time.

When you watch him play hockey at games go "full out." You're not being a good parent unless you yell as loud as you can at his hockey games. Ridicule him if he doesn't produce results and ridicule his teammates even more harshly. Don't be shy to scream obscenities. In fact, if you don't say things like "play better you fucking faggot" or "I'm gonna beat your fucking ass at home if you don't score," you're not trying hard enough. In order to ensure that your son grows up to be the best hockey player he can be you need to go into every little-league hockey game with a clear head of rage.

Our Canadian culture is currently at war with hockey and our youngest, most vulnerable hockey players like your son can be most affected. Irrational messages that promote the removal of fighting from hockey are being spewed out from media sources like vomit. Don't be fooled by this progressive rhetoric, it's far too logical to make any sense to you. Just keep fighting and don't ever turn into a fag. If someone ever tells your son not to fight in a hockey game, punch them in the face and call them a pussy. In fact, this should be your response to every criticism you encounter.

After beating them in a fight, Job Dig gave us the right to use the photo above.

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