The Christiano Ronaldo trade rumours have finally come to an end. The immensely good-looking Manchester United soccer star, who co-incidentally can kick a ball around "pretty good," has finally found a home with the Florida Panthers of the NHL.
"We were looking to raise the standard of beauty in the NHL, and I think this is the best direction the league could have taken," said a smiling Gary Bettman.
"The NFL has Tom Brady. The MLB has Derek Jeter. The NBA has Richard Hamilton. All these three leagues are also more financially successful than ours. Good-lookingness is definitely the reason."
"Sidney Crosby might be the ambassador of hockey, but Ronaldo is our ambassador of good, old fashioned hockey looks," Bettman finished.
David Beckham, who is another attractive soccer star imported from Europe, was unavailable for comment.
"Mr. Beckham is currently on display in a glass case at the L.A. Galaxy stadium so he can't speak for himself at the moment. I'm sure he's delighted that another soccer player is coming to North America from Europe, however," said Beckham's agent, Victoria Beckham.
"Go away," she added.
The Florida Panthers, also known as "the shittiest franchise in the NHL," showed enthusiasm over the trade.
"Hopefully Ronaldo is beautiful enough to draw a crowd bigger than 50 people. He's saying that his skating and puck handling skills are better than ever so we're confident that he's ready to make an impact on our otherwise crappy roster," said Panthers GM Jacques Martin, who was drinking a double gin and tonic.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment because he doesn't speak English.
We don't know where that photo came from. Sorry. If you own it, then suck it.