IN THE NEAR PAST - A baby was submitted into urgent care yesterday after its head was accidentally flattened in a local park. Luckily doctors were able to reconstruct the baby's face. Unluckily however, the infant's face is now stuck in a permanent grin.
"I personally think we should just kill this child," said Dr. Seminaro Cupalli.
"Babies are stupid but this one is really stupid, especially since all its brain matter was crushed. Is anyone planning any medical experiments soon?" finished Dr. Cupalli.
The man who stepped on the baby's face has been identified as Anaheim Ducks' star defenceman Chris Pronger.
"I'm a physical player," Pronger said in his defence.
"And I'm really sorry that I crushed this baby's dreams of reaching the age of 3."
As a result of his actions Pronger has since been sentenced to eight minutes of community service.