Friday, February 29, 2008

Leaf Fans React To Trade News

TORONTO - Several violent riots erupted all across the Greater Toronto Area yesterday as Maple Leaf fans learned that Cliff Fletcher was unable to gain any significant players via the 2008 NHL Trade Deadline.

"I'm really angry. Sundin, McCabe, all of those guys should have waived their no trade clauses," said an anonymous Leaf fan.

"This gives me a great reason to start fighting right now so I'm happy about that," he said and then punched our reporter Ted Sanders in the nose.

Before losing consciousness, Sanders was busy interviewing rioting Leaf fans in front of the Air Canada Centre. A particular sect of Leafs Nation gathered in downtown Toronto to express emotions and to burn money. This counts as the second Leafs Nation money-burning bondfire of the year.

Several local pedestrians and tourists, who were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time, were physically assaulted by the fans. Reports also indicate that a handful of pigeons were captured and then later grilled in the money-bond fire. Both Amnesty International and PETA dispatched officials in response to the violence.

"I'm mad at the Leafs organization for doing shit-all in the trade," said Northern Ontario lumberjack James Hundy. He had commuted four and a half hours from Littleshack, Ontario, to join the protest.

"This is what we call retaliation!" he yelled and then swung an axe around in the air, beheading three fellow fans.

After the riot began to calm down (due to the fact that numerous people were either beheaded or injured by this point), a new Leafs riot crew arrived from Scarborough. Dropped off in a city bus, the Scarborough fans regained the momentum of the brawl by throwing knives at each other. Despite being unarmed, the few survivors of the original riot joined in too.

As the violence continued the Toronto Police parked their cruisers and cheered the fighters on from a safe distance. The cops finally intervened when they realized that the axe-bearing lumberjack, the only person left standing, was in mid charge towards the police squad. Before clashing with a cruiser the police tasered the man until he died of electrocution.

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