Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Report: Fighting Solves Domestic Conflict

In a staggering report released today researchers at Queen's University have announced that physical violence is the most efficient method to help solve marital disputes.

"Communication, tolerance, mediation and therapy are things of the past. If you have a problem with your wife, beat her." said Professor Renee Liebel.

"If you happen to be a wife you naturally won't be able to physically outdo your husband. In this case just shut your trap, accept what your husband says and submit," finished Dr. Liebel.

The NHL was very quick to pick up on the report because the league is currently under fire from the Canadian government. Parliament Hill began an investigation of the NHL's fighting rules when it realized that violence potentially contradicts Canadian values.

"Like normal people, our players and teams usually carry grudges against a handful of opponents. This report justifies our rules that permit our grown men to vent out their frustration and anger with the use of brute force," said disciplinarian Colin Campbell from his yacht in Florida.

"If violence can solve a marital dispute, then violence can solve inter-team feuds as well," finished Campbell.

Before we could ask Campbell to further explain his logic he proceeded to repeatedly punch our reporter in the face. Thankfully, Soo Min-ji safely returned to our headquarters having only lost blood from her vagina.

No comments: