Monday, February 11, 2008

Report: Clemens Sought MIB For Help

Extremely credible sources reported today that Roger Clemens contacted Men In Black Inc. (MIB) in early February. Agent J, a spokesperson for MIB who eerily resembles Will Smith, spoke on behalf of the alien agency:

"We received a call yesterday at approximately 4:17 pm from a man who identified himself as 'the best baseball pitcher to walk planet earth.' Little did he realize that we had call display," began Agent K.

"He asked whether he could purchase one of our patented memory-erasing flash sticks. We immediately felt suspicious over his motives and declined to deal with him any further. Such dangerous equipment is not available to the public, not even to the best pitcher on planet earth."

The United States government did not express much surprise over the news.

"It doesn't phase us. Roger tried to convince us that he was a non-English speaker from the Dominican Republic in yesterday's court hearings," said Capitol Hill judge Sir William Mathis.

"We obviously didn't believe him because he is far too handsome to be an ethnic minority," finished Judge Mathis while bashing his gavel over top of a woman's head.

In between questioning periods Clemens has reportedly been seen taking shelter in a human shield consisting of 1001 lawyers. America eagerly awaits a just end to this horrific saga.

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