Saturday, October 27, 2007

Best Of: NHL's Most Incredible Hits

You're reading a Linesman special edition.

This time around, our "Best of" editor, Chaz Sanders (no relation to our other staff member, Ted), broke into the hockey archives at the Canadian Parliament last night. He made it back successfully, and in the process, managed to even plant a bomb under Stephen Harper's seat in the legislature.

Using information found in secret Canadian hockey-documents, Rubin presents the NHL's most incredible hits of all time:

1. Ted Green vs. Wayne Maki (1969):

Wayne Maki began clubbing Ted Green like a cute baby seal from Newfoundland at a St.Louis-Boston match on February 2nd, 1969. Green's retaliation was more than expected, however. He actually struck Maki's skull so hard, that it fell to pieces on the ice. Unfortunately, medical crews were unable to put Maki's head back together again. The left-over pieces of Maki's skull were given away as prizes to fans.

2. Marty McSorley vs. Donald Brashear (2000):

Marty Mcsorley, upset with his recently diagnosed Erectile Dysfunction, decided to vent his frustration by beating Donald Brashear with his hockey stick. Both of Brashear's eyes popped out and blood spurted out of his empty sockets like urine. After adding a couple of extra punches to the face, Brashear vomited-out his heart. Before hitting the ice, McSorley grabbed Brashear's heart and ran away with it into the dressing room. In privacy, McSorley penetrated the still-beating heart like a prosthetic vagina while crying.

3. Todd Bertuzzi vs. Steve Moore (2004):

Bertuzzi ate Steve Moore at an Avalanche/Canucks game on January 15, 2004.

4. Bryan Marchment vs. everyone (1997):

The Dallas Stars' Bryan Marchment inexplicably turned into a zombie during a playoff game against the Colorado Avalanche. In what remains a mystery still today, Marchment somehow pulled out a chainsaw and began severing his team-mates' and opponents' limbs. Thirty-six various arms and legs littered the blood-stained ice before referees decided to restrain Marchment and end the violence.

5. Ace Bailey vs. Eddie Shore (1933):

Eddie Shore angrily stuck his hand into Ace Bailey's stomach and pulled out Bailey's intestines during a Toronto/Boston game on October 30, 1933. Shore then wrapped the intestines around Bailey's neck and strangled him to death. Afterwards, in a fit of passion, Shore removed his hockey skate and used it to behead himself.

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