Sidney Crosby Injury Conference

The only hockey player in the world, Sidney Crosby, injured his ankle last week. The media and NHL went into a frenzy over the horrible news. Subsequently, everyone remotely interested in hockey stopped paying attention to the NHL all together. These uninterested fans, most of whom reside in the sunny states such as Florida and California, cancelled their NHL TV subscriptions in reaction to the news.

A collective group of reporters representing the sports media gathered at a conference to discuss Mr. Crosby's injury:

Media: How does it feel being out of the lineup?

Sidney Crosby: It's really hard on me because for the first time in my career my name or face won't dominate the Canadian sports headlines. I feel so unimportant all of a sudden. Me sad.

M: Do you think this is an opportunity for the other young players on your team to step up?

SC: No. I specifically told all of my young team mates to not score any goals until I get back.

M: Do you think Evgeni Malkin is ready to be a team leader?

SC: No I don't think he's ready nor will he ever be. History shows that Russians do not know how to lead very well. I'll poison him before he becomes a leader.

M: What about the veterans like Gary Roberts? Do you think he'll step into the role that you left vacant?

SC: Again, no. No one can accomplish what I'm capable of. The Pittsburgh Penguins are useless without me.

M: Does your injury hurt?

SC: Right now? No.

M: Did it hurt at the time of injury?

SC: The moment I fell and twisted my ankle, yes, it hurt a lot.

M: Are you really injured?

SC: Yes, I am really injured.

M: Is that a lie?

SC: No, I'm not lying when I say that I'm injured.

M: Have you ever been injured before?

SC: Yes. On January 6th, 1990, when I was a three-year-old playing in the Nova Scotia Men's Amateur Hockey League, I was trampled by an opposing player. All of my limbs were severed off but I continued to play and scored 40 goals in that game. I don't remember the rest of the details because I was still a toddler at the time. Basically it came down to me getting stitched up in the hospital later that evening. However, I've never had an injury as bad as the ankle injury I have now.

M: On the subject of now, what are you going to do now?

SC: Now I think I might stop playing hockey and become a baker. Maybe at Tim Hortons or if I don't like that perhaps a small local bakery in Cole Habour.

M: By the time you return to the lineup will you forget how to play hockey?

SC: A wise man once said: "To practice is to be the best. To not practice is to forget." Therefore logic dictates that the answer to your question is yes. When I return to the ice in 2 and a half months I will only be as useful as any Toronto Maple Leafs player not named Mats. But the likelihood of me returning at all is slim because I really want to be a baker.

M: Have you ever injured your ankle before?

SC: No but when I was in Grade Seven I used to shoot heroin in the vein on my left ankle so my past drug abuse will probably come back to haunt me.

M: Were you warned about the dangers of returning to the lineup too soon?

SC: No. The Penguins' team doctors are always drunk when I deal with them so I never understand their slurred advice. Then again I played with a broken foot towards the end of my rookie season so I don't see the harm in returning next week.

M: How are you going to rehabilitate yourself over the next 2 months?

SC: My rehab will consist of drinking heavily everyday with Chris Simon on various Native reserves in Northern Ontario.

M: Do you ever look at the Penguins schedule and say to yourself, "I want to be back on this day?"

SC: Excuse me, I don't ever say: "I want." Normally people just look at me and shower me in diamonds. I don't need to ever say that I want something. I have everything I need and people give me stuff all the time. I should also mention that I don't own a calendar.

M: Are you going to watch the all-star game in Atlanta?

SC: I'll probably be sleeping with Mario Lemieux's wife instead.

M: Does your injury have a positive effect?

SC: Yes because I've now decided to change careers and become a baker.

Report: Sidney Crosby Might Survive Injury

Sidney Crosby's entire career has recently been threatened by a dangerously lethal ankle injury. Despite the bad news the Penguins franchise hasn't sold itself and moved to a different city just yet.

"We are 98% sure that Mr. Crosby will survive this injury," said Penguins team Doctor Elijah Hook.

"He should be able to walk next week and hopefully after that get back onto his skates. His ankle is directly connected to his heart and brain - and one wrong move can kill him instantly - so rehabilitation is possible only if we handle this one carefully."

Despite the good news Pittsburgh's coach was singing a different tune.

"We will definitely lose every single game until he returns to the lineup," said coach Michelle Thereon.

"I will also probably commit suicide tomorrow. Sidney's injury is as bad as a plane flying into the White House."

Our Linesman reporter was unable to get a personal comment from Sidney because he was at the time being serenaded by a fleet of Buddhist and Hindu healing monks.

Best Of: NHL's Most Incredible Hits

You're reading a Linesman special edition.

This time around, our "Best of" editor, Chaz Sanders (no relation to our other staff member, Ted), broke into the hockey archives at the Canadian Parliament last night. He made it back successfully, and in the process, managed to even plant a bomb under Stephen Harper's seat in the legislature.

Using information found in secret Canadian hockey-documents, Rubin presents the NHL's most incredible hits of all time:

1. Ted Green vs. Wayne Maki (1969):

Wayne Maki began clubbing Ted Green like a cute baby seal from Newfoundland at a St.Louis-Boston match on February 2nd, 1969. Green's retaliation was more than expected, however. He actually struck Maki's skull so hard, that it fell to pieces on the ice. Unfortunately, medical crews were unable to put Maki's head back together again. The left-over pieces of Maki's skull were given away as prizes to fans.

2. Marty McSorley vs. Donald Brashear (2000):

Marty Mcsorley, upset with his recently diagnosed Erectile Dysfunction, decided to vent his frustration by beating Donald Brashear with his hockey stick. Both of Brashear's eyes popped out and blood spurted out of his empty sockets like urine. After adding a couple of extra punches to the face, Brashear vomited-out his heart. Before hitting the ice, McSorley grabbed Brashear's heart and ran away with it into the dressing room. In privacy, McSorley penetrated the still-beating heart like a prosthetic vagina while crying.

3. Todd Bertuzzi vs. Steve Moore (2004):

Bertuzzi ate Steve Moore at an Avalanche/Canucks game on January 15, 2004.

4. Bryan Marchment vs. everyone (1997):

The Dallas Stars' Bryan Marchment inexplicably turned into a zombie during a playoff game against the Colorado Avalanche. In what remains a mystery still today, Marchment somehow pulled out a chainsaw and began severing his team-mates' and opponents' limbs. Thirty-six various arms and legs littered the blood-stained ice before referees decided to restrain Marchment and end the violence.

5. Ace Bailey vs. Eddie Shore (1933):

Eddie Shore angrily stuck his hand into Ace Bailey's stomach and pulled out Bailey's intestines during a Toronto/Boston game on October 30, 1933. Shore then wrapped the intestines around Bailey's neck and strangled him to death. Afterwards, in a fit of passion, Shore removed his hockey skate and used it to behead himself.