Report: Tim Hortons Brier Is Not A Doughnut

Our news organization, much like yourself, was really excited about the Tim Hortons Brier. After all, who doesn't look forward to a new addition to the Tim Hortons menu?

So we sent our reporter Soo Min-ji to the nearby Tim Hortons near our headquarters to pick up a dozen of the new Brier-flavoured doughnuts. She returned empty handed, however. Editor-in-chief Liz Oak nearly fired her until Min-ji explained that the Brier wasn't edible.

"I'm extremely depressed," Liz explained yesterday.

"This now means that we have to take money out of our budget, which frankly doesn't actually exist yet, and charter a reporter to Winnipeg so that we can cover this damn curling tournament. But... we'll probably just not do that and make up some fictious reports," Liz finished.

The Linesman coverage of the Brier begins tomorrow. Soo Min-ji is boarding an airplane bound for Winnipeg right now. In fact, she's probably there already.

MLSE Buys Curling Club

In a move that has shocked sports fans everywhere, Maple Leaf Sports Entertainment, the sports empire of Toronto, has purchased a local curling club.

"I think this move represents MLSE's grand goal: to take over the entire sports market in Canada," said MLSE president Larry Tanenbaum.

"Our new curling team, the Toronto Trumpets, will surely be the worst team in the National Curling League. We'll over-charge for our games, purchase the oldest and most useless players, and of course, make all the games only available in an unfair Leafs-TV-like package."

In the meantime, curling teams around the NCL are scratching their heads.