We have collected more evidence today that scientifically proves that fighting is necessary for the game of hockey to be played successfully.
Europeans, commonly known as the "people who wear speedos," do not in fact play hockey without fighting as they claim. Hockey Canada experts have been studying video evidence of fighting-less hockey for the past few months. They have made some shocking conclusions.
"It's all staged. It's fake. This is a hoax," Head researcher Don Cherry said while referencing video footage of a hockey game between two professional Russian teams.
"The quality of the video footage is implausibly high. There are no fans to be seen in the stands. Furthermore, the Russian flag can be seen "flapping around." Everyone knows there's no wind in hockey arenas. Unless Europeans are farting ridiculously because of all that cheese they eat," said Cherry.
European hockey associations have yet to respond to the claims.
"The fact that they don't play hockey without fighting means that they don't actually play hockey. And this is why the Europeans suck at hockey, period. I knew it all along," Cherry finished.
The above picture was taken at our Linesman office in downtown Toronto. The US government had asked us if they could borrow our office space for a photo-shoot. We own the rights, bitch.