Monday, March 31, 2008

IOC Promotes Hockey Out of Olympics

The International Olympic Committee announced today that ice hockey will no longer be played in all future winter Olympics, including the Vancouver 2010 Games. Hockey analysts reported the event as a positive thing for the game of hockey.

"After years of watching the sport and trying to figure it out, I've realized that hockey is a different game. It can't be compared to anything else and therefore does not deserve the injustice of being played amongst the other average sports in the Olympics," said Jacob Brackish, head of the now-defunct Olympic Hockey Operations Association.

"It's not fair for elite hockey players to play their sacred game alongside all these other pussy games that don't allow fighting. Hockey shouldn't degrade itself to the level of a non-fighting sport."

Perhaps the biggest applause came from Hockey Nation's loudest mouthpiece, Don "fight-or-be-gay" Cherry.

"Hockey is about justice just as much as it's about winning," said Don Cherry in response to the news.

"In fact, it's more about justice. There is no other sport that has the kind of 'self sacrifice' that you see in hockey. In no other game do you ever need to 'take a beating for your boy.' It's more than a sport. So I'm happy that our hockey players won't be wasting their time in the fucking Olympics," finished Cherry.

Hockey experts gathered yesterday in a building in downtown Toronto to reclassify hockey. At the end of the meeting, the unanimous verdict was to re-classify hockey as an unpronounceable symbol. Thereby, it retains distinction as the only "game" - not sport - that tolerates fighting and stupid behaviour.

We reproduced the Olympic logo under the assumption that it is free. The Linesman accomplishes a lot by assuming things, eh?

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